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Breaking the shell
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| Joined: | Thu Nov 22nd, 2007 |
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Posted: Tue Aug 19th, 2008 02:59 pm |
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This summer I went on a week's residential water colour painting course.
Before hand I was really scared because I was joining a group of people I have never met before, in another country (my husband's) whose language I don't speak well and whose customs are not my own. The day before leaving I threw a fit and decided it was all too much for me, that it would be better for me to stay at home and hide, to be nice to myself. When I burst into tears on the phone my husband came home from work to convince me to go. I thought he was unsympathetic and pushing me; but he did make me think and I realised I was scared of everyone else judging me, disliking and excluding me (this is a fairly permanent state of being for me). I was sure I wouldn't fit in and it was that I couldn't cope with. Once I knew that, it was so much easier to handle the fear and, with a bit of reassurance from my husband, put it in perspective.
The course was wonderful. I haven't done any art since leaving school, and never thought I was any good at it there. But here we had classes or painted for 8 hrs a day, more if we wanted. People were friendly and patient with my language skills. I joined in with other activities or not as I wanted and (for the first time in my life) didn't feel watched or judged. I had no children to look after or husband to consider. The only needs I had to meet were my own.
And despite my impatience with myself for not being able to learn in 5 days what our teacher has spent 40 years aquiring, I loved the painting.
Looking back I realise that as a child I cut myself off from all forms of creativity, (except cooking which my father loved), anything that might open the doors to emotion, to expressing myself, or, even worse, from which I might derive pleasure. I convinced myself I was a mathematician, a scientist, a person who functioned on logic; arts, written or visual, were not me. By forcing the round peg of my emotional being into the square hole of science and logic I was able to achieve the double goals of keeping my feelings buried in a concrete bunker and punishing myself.
As I come back home I am reminded about the nightmares that have controled my life from behind closed doors in my mind. Those doors need to be opened so that the nightmares can be exposed to the sun and, by being absorbed into the great expance of light and air, lose their power.
For the last 2 years I have felt the urge to paint, but didn't act on it until now. So my message to all of you is - if you feel an urge to try something that won't harm you, then go for it. We all deserve pleasure, even if we don't think we do. The good feelings I got from this course will give me strength and help me face what is to come.
Or, in other words, it is easier to deal with the sh*t if you have some good things in your life too. But whereas the sh*t often finds us, it is up to us to find the good things.
Until now my life has been about survival, but now I want to do more than that, I want to live.
(and what that effing b*st*rd did to me has stopped me for long enough).
Julia
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scw4survivors
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| Joined: | Wed May 30th, 2007 |
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Posted: Wed Aug 20th, 2008 02:08 am |
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Thank you, Julia, for reminding us to take care of ourselves. I am so glad you had a good experience; you deserve it.
Susan
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