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stephanie
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Posted: Fri Jul 18th, 2008 02:35 pm |
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Does anyone else have trouble crying? I don't cry very often, and if I do it will only be for maybe a few seconds.
Lately, I have this crazy wish to be able to break down and really cry in my therapist's office in the safety of her arms.
I don't know what is wrong with me, but there are times, more and more this past year, that,in therapy, I will start to shake. I will feel like crying, but no tears, and my insides seem to shake. I feel like I curl up, inside and out.
It helps when my therapist puts her arms around me, but I am embarrassed because of the shaking and I can't seem to stop it.
stephanie
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Breaking the shell
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Posted: Fri Jul 18th, 2008 05:43 pm |
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Dear Stephanie
I can feel the sea of tears inside me, but usually that's where they stay. Very occasionally a few force their way out, literally a few, but these few are becoming more frequent (I see every individual tear as a sign of progress).
It's like I have an artifical lake of tears inside me, held back by a dam. A dam I built to enable me to cope when I was a child. But can you imagine the devastating effect if all the water was let out of the lake too quickly? I want to learn to cry and let it out a little at a time - although if I'm honest, I'm also very impatient so at the same time as I want to let the water out safely, I want to do it NOW. I want to get over all this, put it behind me as fast as possible and I get annoyed with myself for not being able to. I don't think I'm helping myself with this attitude.
I want to cry sooo much. I want to cry for days, weeks on end. I want to curl up into a ball and lie in a bed of safe nothingness.
I often (always?) shake if I'm talking to someone about what happened (usually in therapy as its not a subject that is high on my list of favourite past times) or I'm having a memory. In the very early days I thought this was bad and it panicked as well as embarrassed me, now I accept it as what my body wants to do and in itself it is harmless. It seems to release some of the tensions in my body - like a small pressure valve.
Don't be embarrassed, your therapist will completely understand your shaking. And it's not crazy to want to cry in her safe arms. It's great that you see her arms as safe. I still don't with mine, although I do feel safer with her and in her consulting room than anywhere else on the planet.
So - it may not comfort you much, but what you describe seems completely normal to me.
I send you great big hugs and truck loads of love.
Julia
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scw4survivors
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Posted: Sat Jul 19th, 2008 02:04 am |
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Stephanie,
I, too, long to cry with my therapist but am unable to do so. I think that Julia has some wise words; thank you, Julia.
Healing takes time. Be gentle with yourself. I firmly believe that each of us has the capacity to heal. It's hard work, and it can be really scary at times. I also firmly believe that the journey to wholeness is well worth it.
Blessings,
Susan
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Lorus
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Posted: Sun Jul 20th, 2008 03:13 am |
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| Funny thing about crying, I cried until I was 8 years old, then I stopped. I started being abused when I was 8. I didn't cry much for the next 40 years. I started crying again when I started dealing with being abused. I haven't stopped yet. I don't know what it means and I don't like the sadness that can go along with it, but if it happens, especially in my therapists office, I try to deal with it the best I can. I usually feel better after the tears stop. So I kind of look at it as my emotions boiling over and letting off steam. I feel like a child sometimes when I cry for what I think is no reason. My therapist says I'm sensative but I shouldn't ignore it. I told her to stock up on the kleenex. As I read some of the posts I kind of figure we all have our own way of dealing with the emotions. There's nothing wrong with the amount of crying that each of us does. We do it in our own way just like dealing with everything else.
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