| Author | Post |
|---|
Lea
Member
| Joined: | Tue Mar 4th, 2008 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 7 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: |    |
|
Posted: Thu Mar 6th, 2008 04:28 am |
|
Hello.
My name is Lea. I wanted to introduce myself to everyone.
I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. A few incidents by different people - a close friend of the family and the child of friends of my parents friends. There were also some passing gropes, some awful invitations, and some a few kisses by people who had no business kissing me. These are the things that I remember, had never forgotten. Certainly enough in themselves to screw me up.
However, there is something else that I am not so sure about. Starting sometime shortly after high school, I have had occasional dreams about my father abusing me. These dreams only happened every few years. They were always exremely disturbing, and would have me reeling for days, but they never seemed to amount to more than just dreams.
Until about 2 years ago. This time I had the dream I was already in therapy. I started talking about it, and it has been a constant reality for me ever since.
I say reality in a loose way I guess. The dream is my reality. The idea that my father abused me. I have no concrete memories. I have a ton of flashes. Lots of ideas of something...but nothing that feels like a memory. I guess the most concrete of these flashes would be like a memory - there was a time and place that make sense within the timeline of my life. At the time that I had the flash I could even smell it - it took place in the upstairs of my father's shop, which was a converted barn. The place we were in was unfinished, and after the flash I could smell the old wood of the barn - I could smell it so strongly. But I couldn't see him during the part that was sexual. And I don't know if I believe it.
I guess that's what it comes down to...belief. I have accepted so much of this in my day to day. I no longer deny that something was horribly wrong between my dad and I. I havn't spoken to my dad in about a year now. I confronted him with what was coming up for me and he denied it. But for all of the work I've done around this, I can't seem to believe it for real. Usually after the flashes I believe - really believe in my heart, and then I am so sad. But after a couple of days the belief seems to fade, and I'm left with this gnawing mystery.
I'm tired of the mystery. I understand that remembering has a timeline of its own. I know I can't force this. But at the same time, it seems that if I could just KNOW, I could move forward in a way that I can't right now.
In reading through some of the posts here it seems that alot of you have come through the other side of the remembering bit of the journey. I guess I'm looking for - what I'm really looking for is the magic word that will make this a reality to me - but since there is probably no 'magic word' I would be glad to hear from some of you who've been there.
How did you get through it? How long did it take? When did you really believe it, and how did that come about?
Thank you.
Lea
|
scw4survivors
Administrator
| Joined: | Wed May 30th, 2007 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 115 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: | |
|
Posted: Thu Mar 6th, 2008 09:03 pm |
|
Lea,
I wish there was a magic word ... or even a magic 187-step program that we could follow to find a way to know what we think we know.
I can speak as one who had always remembered some abuse, got into therapy to "deal" with what I had always remembered ... and then, much as in your case, things kept coming up ... flashes, mostly ... that led me to ask if my grandfather had done some of these things to me.
I didn't like asking, and I didn't like not knowing. My grandfather had been dead for many years (20+), so I couldn't confront him. When I finally found the courage to suggest to one of my sisters that I thought this might be the truth, she responded by telling me that it very possibly could be true.
While that was a hard thing to hear, it was at least some affirmation that I wasn't just making it up.
I'm sorry your father didn't respond differently.
The thing that helped me through was taking it one day at a time ... and continuing to move forward as best I could every day. Some days the progress was extremely minute ... to the point that I couldn't see any progress at all ... but my therapist kept telling me she could see progress.
Do something kind for yourself regularly. Looking at this stuff is hard work ... it's okay to take a break ... but not a permanent break.
Hang in there ... my prayers are with you,
Susan
|
Current time is 11:08 pm | |
|
|
|