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dani
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Posted: Thu Dec 13th, 2007 09:09 pm |
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Hi i have not posted in awhile i have been living in the darkness and just don't know if i want to survive any longer. i am so afraid of getting help and asking for it. i feel like i am burdening others. Besides trying to deal with abuse, i also have bi-polar, cut and have stopped seeing my therapist. i had to leave therapy because i could not talk, everytime before my appoinments i would say to myself this would be the day that i would start talking about the abuse. but i never could get it out once i was in her office. i could talk about my thoughts of suicide and my cutting,and how i wasn't taking the meds that the doc gave me and other things but nothing relateing to abuse or how i feel about myself. i hate myself for this! At the last appointment she told me i either needed to start talking or that she was going to refer me back to the county so they could send me some where else. i told her to forget it that it didn't matter anymore and not to refer me any where i felt like such a little kid. she was concerned because then i wouldn't have access to meds but why would i need them the anti-depressants just mad me more suicidal and depressed. i just want to give up but then who would protect my daughters! i have only really discussed what happened to me in detail with one person but i ended up pushing them away. so now i am stuck alone in my hell once again. and i keep going back and forth between wanting to feel better and wanting to die. i am so confused! well thanx for reading my vents. I hope that everyone is doing ok!
dani
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Breaking the shell
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Posted: Fri Dec 14th, 2007 10:27 pm |
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Hi Dani,
I don't think I can tell you anything you don't already know, except that you can do it. In my experience, the very worst bit is translating the bad thoughts into words and then sounds, after which it does get better, it truely does. It takes a huge amount of courage to put into words the things that actually did the hurting so don't beat yourself up about finding it hard. Take your time and some deep breaths.
I often think of the scene in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade when Harrison Ford has to walk on the bridge of faith. If he doesn't, his father will die. He has to do it to give his father a chance. It may sound trite, but somehow keeping the image in my mind helps me visualise what it is I have to do. If I don't sometimes put a toe on that bridge of faith, I will die (I used to think I had to leap across in one go, now I realise a toe at a time is more managable).
Your trust was shattered, but that doesn't mean it has to stay that way. Someone else did this to you, it is absolutely fine for you to ask for help. You are not burdening others (and certainly not more than you have been burdened), you are not to blame. It is not your fault.
My children were one of the reasons I first went to counselling, as I have started to remember, they have also given me the reason to stay alive. They have given me strength. You already say your daughters give you a reason for staying alive, can you let them also give you strength? They love you, they need you and they want you well. You deserve to get well.
Please don't imagine from this mail that I think I know the answers - I don't. I can say what has worked so far for me; but only you know what is the answer for you.
Please imagine a huge big hug from me. One that envelopes you in softness and security - or whatever else it is that you need. We are all little kids.
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dani
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Posted: Sun Dec 16th, 2007 03:58 am |
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| Thank you for the hug and understanding. i wish that i could say that i was feeling better but i can not. there is so much that is going on my head and my feelings are all over the place. i want so bad to slip back into the darkness and never come back. i know if i do that then i let my abusers win, but right now i really don't care.
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Breaking the shell
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Posted: Tue Dec 18th, 2007 03:16 pm |
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Do you have access to any art, voice or body therapy? A friend of mine used acupuncture to keep herself on the rails and I do the Alexander technique and go 3 or 4 times a year to a kinesiologist. The body work helps to break the circles and cut the confusion into more manageable pieces. It helps - big time.
Don't slip into the darkness, not because it means your abusers win, but because of you. You deserve a life. A good life.
I send you truck loads of cotton wool balls of love - soft and pure - to cushion you.
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Lorus
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Posted: Sun Dec 23rd, 2007 04:36 pm |
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At the last appointment she told me i either needed to start talking or that she was going to refer me back to the county so they could send me some where else.
Hi Dani, these words keep sticking in my head. Consider it a blessing only in that you don't belong with a therapist who treats you this way. You're not someone who "they" can bounce around. You're someone who needs to find the right therapist to help you. A therapist who wil tell you to take your time and speak when you're ready. Don't let them or anyone set you back and don't hate yourself for it. This isn't easy and certainly not easy putting all these emotions and what happened to you into words. What has helped me is writing, but not just writing words, I also write to explain to myself and my daughters what happened to me. I'm sure they'll understand why I may have acted in certain ways with them as they grew up. Writing has also helped me to speak. I write my thoughts as I need to and also take them with me to therapy. You'll find your own ways of expressing yourself and you'll find the right person and/or therapist to listen, don't give up. You are worth it, especially for your daughters.
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Mending Soul
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Posted: Mon Dec 31st, 2007 05:01 am |
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Dani,
I have been away from this site for a while...but find myself back her because of the 'holidays' and 'depression'.
I keep hearing that sentence: "If I don't start talking, I will be sent back to the county and referred to someone else..."...
I am so very sorry you were treated that way by a 'professional'...I too have been through some very very bad experiences with 'professionals' in the past...some so bad, they almost destroyed my life...and I learned that I needed to learn to 'trust' my 'gut' and my 'heart' in terms of even the 'professionals'....because those therapists who eventually helped me the most, were the ones who truely understood sexual abuse and trauma and the absolute terror of putting it into words...and were so very very patient with me, allowing me to decide when and if I would talk about it...any therapist who had 'expectations' of me that I had not decided on myself, automatically became 'representative' of my abusers power over me...and I was unable and very unwilling to 'cooperate' with them. Over time, and many mistakes in my judgement of therapists, I found that if the therapist felt 'controlling' and 'judgemental' to me, they were, and to trust my heart and gut...and I found the kindest and most 'professional' therapists were women who worked in the sexual assault centers or the centers that specialized in the treatment of PTSD in trauma victims...
I commend your ability to see where your fear is. That is indicative of some deep self-analysis and self-knowledge. You are on the road to recovery, even though you may not be able to see it. For me, the way to healing has some very deep pits and valleys and some days I feel like I am in hell again...and some days, the pain is so unbearable and the fear so all-encompassing, I don't want to go on...on those days, I reach out to the only faith I have...and to this sight...and sometimes to a friend...and some days...I curl into a ball and don't answer the phone or the door and stay in my bed and cry...the positive thing is that now I know what I am doing...as you see what you are doing...I never used to know what I was doing...or why I was doing it...so...growing comes in 2 steps forward and 1 step back...and that's ok. I used to do the cutting too...because somehow, seeing my own blood and feeling pain on the outside allowed me to somehow express my pain on the inside...and also...sometimes...I felt so numb...or so bad...the cutting relieved my internal pain or made me aware of my own existance...over time...I learned to cry...and to talk...and that's possible for you too, if you give yourself the chance...I don't cut anymore...and that's growth for me...
I've learned in my difficult journey to find wellness that it's ok to go at 'my' pace...because my experience and my life are only known to me...and I have a right to take all the time I need to recover...and no one has the right to tell me when I need to talk...or when I need to share...or how I need to get well...people can give me suggestions...but it's up to me when and how I will use them or not...because my free-will was stolen from me when I was an infant...and I have the right to have it back...and the dignity to learn to care for myself and exercise my free-will in that endeavor...
Don't give up on yourself Dani...you have already come a long way...maybe check into your area by calling information and asking about 'sexual assault services' or 'centers for victims of abuse'...and find a therapist who will allow you the dignity to decide what you wish to talk about or not...and when...
My children motivated me too...gave me a reason to stay alive...and loving them and protecting them gave me courage to begin to protect and love me...
You are courageous Dani...to even take the risk to share here...I wish I could hold you in your pain of aloneness...as I have been there so many many times...I am sending you fluffy soft pillows of hugs and you are in my heart.
Cathie
Last edited on Mon Dec 31st, 2007 05:07 am by Mending Soul
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dani
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Posted: Fri Jan 4th, 2008 09:29 pm |
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| i am at the point where i don't think even therapy will help any more. i just feel so blahhhh. and i have been questioning if what happened even happened or did i just imagine it. i feel so confused and just don't know what to do any more.
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dani
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Posted: Fri Jan 4th, 2008 09:36 pm |
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| i haven't gaven up yet i am still kind of fighting but not really, i have been just numb and i like it like this just for the simple fact that its easier for me. if i don't think to much i hope i can stay like this for ever. the only thing negative for me being numb is it is hard for me to show love to my daughters so then i start feeling guilty about that and keep telling myself that i just need to suck it up it happened and that i need to get the f*** over it. i wish that i wasn't so afraid to talk and that i had a friend that i could talk to but i have pushed every one a way. i am just so tired of my stupidness.
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Mending Soul
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Posted: Sat Jan 5th, 2008 01:54 am |
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Dani,
I'm so sorry I haven't responded until now...I've been having computer problems...anyway...there are some things I'ld like to share with you...
First...I don't think you are 'stupid'...or that your wavering thoughts and feelings and numbness and hopelessnes are 'dumb'...I believe you are exactly where you are suppose to be at this moment in your recovery...
I've had many days, months, years when I chose to stay 'numb' because the 'feelings' were so overwhelming, I was too afraid to go through them. I've been through periods where I was so 'sick' of 'therapy', and so sick of having 'issues', that I dropped out of therapy and stayed away for a long time...I've been through periods where the hopelessness of 'me' was so overwhelming, I didn't want to live anymore and I have had times when I was so angry that I even had 'issues' caused by the actions of others, that I refused to allow myself to even get help.
What I learned during almost all of those periods and spaces of time was that ultimately, only I could help myself to recover...no one else would...and I had to decide if 'I' was worth it...the abused little girl in me...was she worth it? I finally decided she was, even if I didn't feel that I was...so I began to reach out...again...only this time, I decided to 'trust' my own 'gut' and 'heart' in deciding who to share with and how much to share...since I grew up and lived so many years not knowing how to really trust anyone...it's taken a long, long time for me to learn 'trust'...and I grow in that area every day...I learned that 'trust' is EARNED...not to be freely given...and that 'trustworthy' people know that...
Anyway...I just wanted to let you know that I am here...to be a friend if I can...although I am not on the computer every day...I will respond as soon as I find a message...even though you feel so alone...we are here...as much as we can be to support any decision you make to get help....or not...
I have learned that when I choose to be 'numb'...I also choose to give up any joy in my life...and I so desparately want joy...and I have also learned that I have already 'lived' through the abuse...so now I just need to learn to go through the 'pain' of the abuse and the 'loss' and the 'fear' and the 'abandonment and betrayal' and all the other 'feelings'...and for me, it's been most beneficial to go through them with other victims...or in therapy...or in relation to my God...
My 'friends', who I thought were 'friends', became overwhelmed by my issues many times and abandoned me...so I learned through a lot of pain who was really a 'friend' and who wasn't...when people became overwhelmed by my issues, it wasn't about ME...it was about THEM...but that took a lot of time to learn...
I still have that internal 'fear' whenever I meet someone new that when they get to know the 'real' me...they will see how 'damaged' I am and only see me as a 'burden' or 'problem'...but I'm learning that that fear comes directly from my abusers abuse which taught me that my 'needs' and 'wants' never mattered...and I internalized their complete disregard for me as a person in the internal belief that anything about me was 'wrong' and my needs and wants were somehow 'wrong'...it takes time to heal Dani...you are on the road because you are sharing what's in your heart...
Take all the time you need...you have been through a lot...
You are in my heart and my prayers...and I am sending you fluffy clouds and soft green grass and trickling waters to comfort your soul...
Cathie
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Breaking the shell
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Posted: Sat Jan 5th, 2008 10:08 am |
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Hi Dani,
I just wanted to say that I am thinking of you.
This issue of trust is just so important. My psychiatrist just sat and listened to me twice a week for 3 years before I trusted her enough to allow my memories to come back. And now, although she has never ever given me reason to distrust her, to think she has any agenda other than my welfare, I am always on guard looking for signs that say she thinks I'm making it all up and expecting her to judge me harshly.
I feel so exposed everytime I mention something emotionally or physically intimate that if I didn't trust her, I couldn't talk to her. She allowed that trust to grow slowly over its own time until I was ready. I never felt she was forcing me to trust her. If I had then I would have shut down, closed up. I realise now that it would have subconsciously reminded me of being told I could trust someone before.
I am so glad I had no memories until I had someone I could trust with them. Carrying them on your own must be such a heavy burden. You probably don't feel it, but I think you must be very strong to have managed on your own to get this far.
I prey you will find the help you need and deserve soon.
In the meantime, take care and try to be kind to yourself. We are all thinking of you.
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dani
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Posted: Sun Jan 6th, 2008 06:18 am |
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| i wish that i would be able to trust, but every time that i do i get hurt. i am the point where i keep thinking that why am i going to trust any more i am just going to keep every thing inside like i use to. its very lonely this way but i just don't know what to do any more.
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Mending Soul
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Posted: Sun Jan 6th, 2008 08:22 am |
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Dani,
Why don't you contact your local information center (dialing 411 here for information - I'm not sure what your number is in your area) and asking for the phone numbers for "Sexual Assault Services", or "Sexual Abuse Counseling Centers", or even doing an internet search for places in your area by entering something like: Counseling for Sexual Abuse in St Paul, MN....(which would be my area)...
I found that working with therapists who understood my 'trust' issues and my absolute 'fear' of opening up or talking much at all helped me the most....most therapists who work in the field of sexual abuse understand the enormity of the risks we take when we talk...and they understand how long it takes to begin to open up at all...
Unfortunately, only you can help you...when you are ready...you can reach out...until then...it's ok to do whatever you need to do to survive...each of us reaches out when we are ready...not when someone else expects us to be ready...
I have faith that you will reach out for the little girl inside...the fact that you keep coming back to this site shows that there is a part of you that wants to heal...
I am sending you hugs and holding you close in your struggle...I've been there.
Cathie
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dani
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Posted: Wed Jan 9th, 2008 05:14 pm |
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Cathie there is a huge part of me that wants to heal, but i am also so afraid of starting the process and what it will bring. i have my up and down days and then days where i am just numb. Today, well as of right now, i am feeling good. i am thinking about calling the rape crisis center here but i am so afraid. hopefully i will get past this and will be able to call. thank you for the kind words and support.
dani
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