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Katieishealing
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| Joined: | Thu Sep 20th, 2007 |
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Posted: Sun Oct 28th, 2007 03:25 pm |
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Hi everyone. Things here have been especially difficult the last few weeks. I stopped taking my meds because it seemed like I should that was a BAD idea. But before that things had started to crumble. My world has tumbled since I started "dealing" with this abuse situation. I told my parents in June of this year about their son abusing me (their daughter) and it has been such a struggle ever since. My dad won't look at me when he sees me, my step mom wont' talk with me and my mom pretends like nothing ever happened and calls me her "crazy child" inbetween nothingnesses. My husband wants a divorce because of all the changes I've been through (mostly I'm just not putting up with his crap these days) and my daughter who is 3 hates him (tells him not to come home at night and that she doesn't like him) and is becoming a little perfectionist like me. When does it end? When do I get to feel like a human instead of a door mat or whatever I am right now. I just feel like I've messed up my life and everyone elses by saying something to people out loud now I'm alone, terrified, angry and bitter. Does it get better or did I mess up monumentally by even bringing all this to the surface?
Kate
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Lorus
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| Joined: | Sun Jun 10th, 2007 |
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Posted: Fri Nov 9th, 2007 05:00 am |
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Kate,
You didn't mess up, your beginning to fix it. It's too bad that certain people aren't standing with you. It does get better. Remind yourself this wasn't your fault, you were the victim not the "crazy child". These are people who can't face what happened. Give all your love and hugs to your daughter and you can both grow together. I did the same with my children. I can remember a name my mother gave me when I was younger and acting out, "problem child" was the name. Too bad she didn't see anything then.
Lorus
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Mending Soul
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| Joined: | Sun Oct 14th, 2007 |
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Posted: Fri Nov 9th, 2007 06:58 am |
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Katie,
It's so hard when you take such a risk to open up and all those you counted on are not there for you...and not only not there, but antagonistic and hurtful toward you. Someone once told me that families can be pictured like all of us in a raft on the ocean...as long as we are all leaning a certain way and cooperating...the raft stays afloat...even in disfunctional families...we learn what to expect and how to act...so when one of us leans a different way...like sharing a secret...others react with anger (out of fear and their own terror or pain...fear of breaking the family secret rules that keep the 'boat' afloat)...and so, the boat pitches and rocks...sometimes...the raft has holes in it...and one of us tells the others about the holes and no one believes us and eventually the raft disintigrates...and sometimes...everyone eventually helps to 'stabilize' the raft...and sometimes...someone comes by with a stronger boat and only some of the family get on...and sometimes...they all do...
Those kind of pictures in my mind helps me to see that each member of my very disfunctional family is responsible for 'their own part' in getting in the 'rescue' boat...and that it wasn't my fault because I showed them the raft was leaking, nor was it my fault that the 'raft' had holes...it also helps me put into perspective the angry behavior of others who don't understand...if they've either never been in a leaking raft, or never been able to acknowledge the 'truth' about anything including the 'holes' in the raft...then I need to stop going to 'them' for my support...and I need to find others who have been where I've been to help me, like reaching out to those on the stronger rescue boat...
I'm sorry your family isn't there for you. I commend your bravery for breaking the family secret and bringing it out into the open. It take tremendous courage to face the truth, let alone talk about it... When I started to 'break' the silence in my family...I was completely 'rejected' too...and it took a lot of time and therapy and years of work on my part, before anyone in my family started to admit any of the 'secrets'...My family still treats me like a 'pariah'...but that's ok...because I've grown enough to know that at least I am gaining inner peace...and now, at times, I can even have compassion toward them, rather than hurt and anger and rage. There has been some healing in my family and I now have 2 siblings I feel close to...and in previous time...I didn't have any...However...I too am still dealing with deep wounds and rage toward my abusers...some days are better than others...
I know how it feels when you feel so alone and at the same time...tired of 'taking crap' from anyone anymore...and I know that some days, I use to wish I hadn't said anything...but now...looking back...I am glad because my own heart and soul have more peace and I have a chance to heal my life and give those gifts to my kids...
Recovery is difficult...but every step you take for you and your daughter is a step to discovering the 'real' you...and healing the wounds in your soul...My prayers are with you...I wish I could give you a hug of support for your courage...and I wish I could hold you in your pain...I know what if feels like to feel so alone...
Take care and keep taking steps to take care of Katie...everything else will fall in place in it's own time...and keep hugging your daughter...the more you love you...the more you can love her.
You're in my heart.
Cathie
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Katieishealing
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Posted: Mon Nov 12th, 2007 02:31 am |
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THANK YOU SOOOOO MUCH for this post it made me cry. Your compassion, understanding and support is so amazing thank you so much. you knew just what to say. Please check out a post I'm going to post about what's going on here lately...
kate
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Mending Soul
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Posted: Tue Nov 13th, 2007 06:56 pm |
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Katie,
I'm glad my sharing helped you...it helps me to be able to 'give' for a change...because I've been so 'needy' for so long...sometimes I forget that I too have something to share and to offer.
Let me know what 'post' you are talking about and I will read it...I need to know the area it's in to find it...as I don't always look in all of the topics every day...
Anyway...my prayers and support are here for you anytime.
Cathie
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Makwa
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Posted: Fri Nov 16th, 2007 11:43 pm |
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| Katie and Cathie and everyone who has had the courage to bring this out to their families....i am, wow, you guys are amazing. Yuo're going to be alright. I was coerced into telling, made a mess of it, years later told, and everyone thinks I, too, am a liar and crazy and I didn't have the internal structure, I just wasn't strong enough. I believe them. It's crazy i know. But i believe them that they say i'm a liar and I can't convince anyone of anything else. I've been disowned. I have no one. Even my brother, who is nice to me, when push comes to shove, he doesn't believe me. He just believes that i believe it and that is what matters to him. I feel worthless. Of no value. They did a good job on me....
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