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Makwa
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Posted: Thu Oct 18th, 2007 01:53 pm |
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| There was a brief piece on NPR this morning about a woman brushing her teeth in the bathroom when a 10 foot python crawled up through her toilet. And it threw me into some kind of body memory that is causing me to wobble. I thought this was all urban myth and so snakes on a plane and all that never bothered me. but this just has my skin crawling. i feel like i'm being molested. i know it's just a memory emerging. but i have to go to the dentist today, and pay bills, and clean the house and live a life!
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scw4survivors
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Posted: Thu Oct 18th, 2007 04:06 pm |
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Makwa ...
This is time to be gentle with yourself. Can you change the dental appointment? Can the bills wait until tomorrow? Can you think of something you'd really like to do for yourself?
I will keep you in my prayers.
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Makwa
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Posted: Fri Oct 19th, 2007 06:03 pm |
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| I got what i needed to get done and i'm really glad now because i am in the grips of a major memory...for me it's always a body memory and this is a bad one. i wonder if i will ever have a normal intimate relationship. i have so disowned my sexuality (utterly) because, i think, there are so many torents of memories interlaced with my sexuality that it scares me. i think it's me. is it? i remember when my dad died, instead of going to the funeral -which i could not bring myself to do, not going to let him you-know-what me again - i drove to northern minnesota to be with safe family. it was a long drive and i had to stop at a motel for the night and that night it was like his ghost came into the room and had sex with me. it was so real, i could feel it all and the worst part was the feelings, my body responding, like why would i do that if i didn't want it? well, that's the kind of memory that's coming up now. and i'm scared. scared to see it. don't know what to do with it. feel alone. want someone to help me through it. but there's no one. i want to do this right, if that makes any sense. i know this will pass. i don't want to push it down. been there, done that. there is no healing in that. but not wanting to push it down makes me judge myself that this is what i want. that i'm the pervert. it's a mess.....
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scw4survivors
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Posted: Sat Oct 20th, 2007 12:48 am |
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Makwa,
I am sorry to hear that you're facing (another) memory. I know that it can get discouraging at times ... and those memories seem to pop up at bad times.
Please know these things:
(1) Our bodies were made to respond to physical touches. Just because your body responded the way it was made to does not mean that it was your fault or that you wanted it or that you are a pervert. Your father was the pervert. I am so sorry he hurt you.
(2) Feeling the memories is painful ... and it also helps us heal. You are freeing up another part of yourself and you get to decide what will fill in the new space.
(3) You are not alone. Yes, none of us is with you in person, but we are all with you in spirit.
Hang in there ...
Susan
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Lorus
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Posted: Sat Oct 20th, 2007 02:07 pm |
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Makwa,
In a way I'm glad to hear someone else has had the same experience I had many times. I would go to bed at night. I would lay there relaxed and half asleep. Then I would be touched and lay there as if I was paralyzed. I knew I could move, wake up and the memory would stop but, I was told never to move. So I lay there being abused. Of course my body responded and I let it respond; and of course I'm only human. Something would always jerk my legs and I'd wake up. I was half relieved and half disappointed. When ever my body responded to anything, I would think I was just like my father. I was this perverted abuser to myself. As time went on I began to see the whole picture. The only touching I received was from my father, whether it was abusive or fatherly. When I had these memories I was being touched. I wanted and needed to be touched because I'm human. After the abuse stopped, the only touching was my dreams, it didn't matter what it was, it was a human touch. I had these memories since I was a child, and when I was married (a marriage that wasn't very healthy), now I'm divorced and I haven't had these memories in a few years.
And did you see the coins in that toilet seat! I'd wonder why someone was taking so long.
Lorus
Last edited on Sat Oct 20th, 2007 02:10 pm by Lorus
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Mending Soul
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Posted: Sun Oct 21st, 2007 05:05 am |
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Makwa,
I know how it feels to have a 'part' of a memory...and be terrified of the rest coming....to feel nauseas...nervous...unable to think or concentrate...to feel as if you are losing your mind...
My abuse memories started when my son was sexually abused at age 4...I was an addict in recovery then...and I went sort of crazy...I started having severe depression...panic attacks...it took 4 more years for the whole memory to come to me...by then I had 3 children...and had suffered so much fighting the memories...I wrote poetry that I didn't even understand back then...I felt suicidal often...the depression and crying spells where terrible as was the panic...and sexually...I acted out like crazy...trying to 'use' men to get even...and mostly hurting myself and filling myself with such loathing and self-hatred because my behavior was so far from my own internal moral beliefs...
Over time...I remembered being molested and sodomized by my uncle and his fat ugly friend...and I remembered watching them hurt or murder a young girl who tried to protect me...I eventually involved the police...with a therapist...and did attempt suicide...but my Higher Power saved my life through a miracle...
Over the next few years...I got more memories of my father...and all I can say to you is it's ok to get help...it's ok to go through the remembering at your own pace...and you are not losing your mind...nor are you a pervert...you were violated in the most horrible way a human can be violated...and your sexuality was damaged by the abuser...not by you....it's normal for all human beings to feel sexually aroused when sexually stimulated...I always felt as if my body had betrayed me too...and so felt so guilty about getting 'pleasure' from sick abuse...and shame toward my own body...but the more I learn about what the abuse did to me...the more power I have over my own healing...knowledge is power for me...and knowledge brings healing for me...sexually I am still not healed...I don't know if I ever will be....but I know I will never stop trying to recover from my abuse...because I am the only one who can let anyone help me...I am the only one who can reach out for healing for me...but I don't have to do it alone...
My heart is with you...my prayers are with you...be kind and gentle with yourself...you did not create these issues...others did...so don't blame yourself when you feel you 'can't' measure up...or have a 'life'...for today treat yourself with kindness...softness...with the kind of love you would give to your closest friend...because it's not your fault...and you are worth so very much.
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