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Letty
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Posted: Sun Oct 14th, 2007 06:00 am |
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This morning I posted a post on how broken I feel. I feel my life has been absolutely shattered adn I'm trying to pick up the pieces. I felt near the brink of suicide this week, which scared me. However, after I posted, I took a few minutes and wrote everything that came to my mind. . .there was so much anger and black sludge that spewed out. After that I wrote my friend and asked for help. I had to admit that I needed help. I have a hard time not feeling humiliated and inadequate when I ask for help. . .I CAN DO THIS ON MY OWN. That is what I think. . .but it is not true for me. My thinking is crazy and shame based. It is a downward spiral that sinks me lower and lower. I stuggle to not believe the lies that constantly stream through my mind of how worthless and stupid I am. My resistance to admit that I NEED help has been a BIG stumbling block for me. Only weak people need help (this is the lie that keeps me quiet yet again.)
Anyway, my point is after I asked for help, posted and journaled . .or reached out I felt instantly better. . .I felt more alive this afternoon then I have in a long while. . .It is OK to ask for help. . It is OK to ask for help. . It is OK to need help. I repeat that for me.
Thanks for listening,
Andrea
PS By the way tonight was the first time that I mentioned to anyone (other than my mom, therapist, husband and stepdad) that I was a survivor of incest. I didn't make a big deal of it or get into details. . .Sexual abuse came up as a topic of discussion and I casually said, "As a survivor of incest I can say that telling is the hardest part and victims keep the secret because the shame they feel is too great and the embarrasment is even worse." (We were talking about how rampant sexual abuse is but how hard it is to prosecute and get the perpetrators) I never thought I would admit that I was a survivor of INCEST. The word still makes me gag. I would have thought walking on coals would've been more enjoyable. However, when I said it, it felt freeing. . .Weird huh?
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scw4survivors
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| Joined: | Wed May 30th, 2007 |
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Posted: Sun Oct 14th, 2007 01:52 pm |
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Andrea,
I am so proud of you ... for asking for help ... for working to recognize that it is absolutely okay to ask for help ... and for speaking up.
You go, girl. It is okay to ask for help, and it is okay to speak the truth about what happened to us ... we're not the bad ones -- our perpetrators are the bad ones.
Take care,
Susan
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Lorus
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Posted: Sun Oct 14th, 2007 06:06 pm |
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Andrea,
Susan took the words right out of my mouth. YOU GO GIRL! Don't keep that poisonous black sludge inside. I thought the same about asking for help. But I realized I wasn't asking for help as much as I was asking to be heard. When someone listens with understanding ears, we release the negative things left behind from abuse. When I can't find an ear, I use a pen.
Lorus
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Letty
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Posted: Sun Oct 14th, 2007 06:14 pm |
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Thank you both for your support. Intelectually I understand so much more than I am able to emotionally. I very much appreciate the support and validation I feel here.
Thanks, Andrea
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Makwa
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Posted: Fri Oct 26th, 2007 01:06 am |
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| Good job. I think when we speak up like you did, we also speak for the many who can't. Thank you for that. And asking for help? Whew. That's been too difficult for me, in part because people don't know how to help. They don't know how to listen. They look at me like I'm from Mars....I hope everyone gets the good help they ask for, the good help we all deserve.
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