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Makwa
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Posted: Thu Sep 27th, 2007 02:30 pm |
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I'm 48 years old and still cannot talk. I'm a "professional" who can't work right now, a writer who has no narrative, a wife who cannot have a sexual relationship with a man that she loves very much. I have lived on the surface of my life forever, with the sewage festering under the proud flesh I inhabit.
And that sewage is seeping up. I really don't know what to do. I don't know anymore. I've tried to heal from this for 23 years. I've been in therapy and it's gotten me only back to where i started. I feel like a complete failure and fear i've lived a wasted life. My dad (the man who abused me) died in 2001. My mom (who was also abusive) died in 1986. There is no reason for this paralysis. And yet, i'm still paralyzed.
I have no memories, not like I remember what i ate yesterday or who I talked to the day before. Not like i remember the clothes my son wore to school today, or the directions to my favorite coffee house. I feel like i'm under siege. The memories are implicit, come in smells, sounds and most of all feelings and emotions. My memory is getting worse.
I wish there was a pill I could take to make this all better. To make this all go away. I wish I could live, really live. I wish I could belong...
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Jenni Lynn
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Posted: Fri Sep 28th, 2007 05:17 am |
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I am 47 years old and those memories as well as that pain of being abused will never ever fade. I learn each day to live with that pain and allow myself now to love and be loved back.
Therapy helped a lot. I don't know what to say but the pain of sexual abuse as well as the auful memories will never ever go away.
If you need just to talk you may send me a note. I know that pain that for myself lasted for 15 years...
Hugs
Jenni Lynn
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scw4survivors
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Posted: Fri Sep 28th, 2007 12:59 pm |
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I, too, am in my late forties (turning 48 late next month). Makwa so much of what you write resonates with me. I am sorry it is hard for you. I know there were days when it was so hard to get up and keep moving forward; yet, something finally clicked one day.
Please hang in there and know that there can be better days ahead. I will keep you in my prayers.
Susan
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scw4survivors
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Posted: Fri Sep 28th, 2007 01:03 pm |
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I, too, am in my late forties (turning 48 late next month). Makwa so much of what you write resonates with me. I am sorry it is hard for you. I know there were days when it was so hard to get up and keep moving forward; yet, something finally clicked one day.
Please hang in there and know that there can be better days ahead. I will keep you in my prayers.
Susan
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Lisette
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Posted: Fri Sep 28th, 2007 10:37 pm |
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I am feeling almost exactly like your personal description right now!
I am so tired all the time and want to keep on going with my work, and study but I am beginning to think that I cannot do it anymore. I just want to do nothing. I feel often overwhelmed when I am doing the simplest things and have 'taken it easy' as advised by others to the point that I am doing less than I have ever done in my life and still its too hard for me to keep up with it all. I feel so useless that I cannot do the little that I have been advised for me to do.
I am concerned that I will not be able to do anything but rest and take it easy for a long time. Of course I do not know how long I will have to take time off from my work and study but it worries me that I may loose the capacity to work and do anything that I strive to do and have strived to do for many years.
And I have been advised that I am depressed and need to take medication - but I have a liver problem and may not be able to take the drugs... And I am scared that my last resort for medication may not eventuate as an option. Then what I supposed to do!?
I am not in position to take time off from work to loll around and take it easy so I feel trapped by others expectations of what I should do and how I should heal.
I also have been through so many counsellors and although I keep going back every set back with one just brings up suicidal thoughts and an emotional roller coaster. And then when I talk to the counsellor about my problems I feel the need to apologise for my behavior and when I do this it feels like I am ignoring an essential part of myself and I am apologising for something that is a natural reaction to abuse. But it seems expected from others. I get sad that I have to apologise for being myself.
Well all the above sort of fell out unexpectedly and may be irrelevant to your situation but I wanted to let you know that I feel the same RIGHT NOW!
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stephanie
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Posted: Sat Sep 29th, 2007 05:23 pm |
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I am almost 45, and, Makwa, I like how you described it as sewage seeping up and festering. Both my parents have died (2003 & 2004) so I keep thinking that as the abuser is gone why don't I feel better? I don't even have to face him anymore so why the paralyzing fear still? I also have problems with sex with my husband. It's practically non-existant which is not OK with him, but OK with me except for the guilt that I'm a horrible wife.
I guess I'm just trying to say you are not alone, and it's also good to know I am not the only one who feels this way, too.
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Makwa
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Posted: Sat Sep 29th, 2007 05:42 pm |
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| Thanks for the support. I think this board is exactly what i need right now. I'm not good at these boards but i have been too isolated for too long. It's nice to feel that we're not alone. Even though i don't want to believe any of it. I was sitting in counseling yesterday thinking this is never going to go away and began to berate myself for making something up that will hurt me for the rest of my life!!!!! How crazy is that? I'd rather believe that i'm getting what i deserve for something that never happened than to just accept what happened and go from there. And in some twisted kind of way I KNOW that is somehow protecting me (or someone) but it hurts me so bad. THe self-hate is extraordinary. Anyway, I wish the best for all of us. Our lives matter too.....
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scw4survivors
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Posted: Sat Sep 29th, 2007 05:53 pm |
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Yes, we do matter. What you want, think, care about ... they all matter. What I want, think, care about ... they all matter, too.
I think you've hit upon a big key. For so long we were told (either by words or actions or both) that we didn't matter.
We do matter.
You are not alone.
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Makwa
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Posted: Sat Sep 29th, 2007 06:05 pm |
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Thank you so much for sharing with me (all of us). From the way you describe your situation I have been where you are at right now, only you seem to be more conscious (aware) than i was. We can be so hard on ourselves, so unforgiving. I know when I start spinning down it's usually because i am thinking i should be doing or feeling or accomplishing "whatever" but it's always something outside myself. In essence, I want my life to be something that it's not. I want to be something i can't be. Then my focus is all about what i'm not doing, accomplishing, or even worse, how i'm failing ---which, ironically I AM --- at being NOT myself. Oh the way our minds work... When i can remember to take a step back and look at all the things i am doing, feeling, and yes, accomplishing, that tends to float the anchor of self-contempt that wants to sink me. You're not alone. And when I read what you and everyone here is willing to post, i realize, either am i and that's such a comfort. such validation. Hang in there.
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Makwa
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Posted: Sat Sep 29th, 2007 06:07 pm |
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| Okay, it's on the board now and everyone can see that i really don't know what i'm doing with message boards. Sorry everyone. I'm reading and replying only it's going to the board and not to the person i'm responding to. I'll get it figured out.
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Lorus
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Posted: Tue Oct 2nd, 2007 11:35 am |
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I'm also in my late 40's and still don't want to talk. I do most of my expression in writing. Being silent for so long didn't do wonders for my speech. I get angry when I can't find the right words that describe what I want to say. I know the anger is covering up the disappointment of my struggle. But all is not lost, I know the reasons for my struggle. At times I feel like a child. But I won't stop, I keep trying, I keep learning, I keep looking for ways to make it work. One day I won't be a child who whispers, but an adult who roars. I take it one step at a time. I take as much time as I need, even if it's a lifetime. I try not to look at myself or my setbacks as failures, rather as needing to find a different way to cope. This is how I try to look at all the things that abuse has given me. I think of it as growing and being more than I was. This isn't easy for any of us. There are a lot who don't look as deeply at themselves as we do, choosing other means to avoid the struggles, and the obstacles. And considering this forum had 8 members when I started and now has about 48. We have overcome one obstacle, sharing.
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