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Mending Soul
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Posted: Mon Oct 22nd, 2007 04:12 am |
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Laurie,
I'ld be happy to speak with you outside of the forum...but I'm not sure how to do it with out violating this forum...so...I will contact the administrator and ask her what we should do...ok?
I've been working on my 'life-story' for my marriage anullments...it's very painful...and ugly...
But I almost feel driven to write...so it must be time.
I cry every day at mass...wondering how Jesus could want me...and I cry over his horrible suffering...and I cry at the Concecration of the Eucharist...and I cry over all those who don't get to recieve Him...
Lately...it seems...all I do is cry...
But I have held in so many tears for so many years...with out the tears...my heart won't heal...so...I guess I'll just have to cry for a while...
I truely feel your pain with your mom...I cried about that at mass today too...that even now...6 years after her death...I still feel so hollow inside from her abandonment and rejection...and I feel so cheated...
Anyway...hang in there...we only have to get through one day at a time.
Cathie
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Mending Soul
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Posted: Mon Oct 22nd, 2007 04:12 am |
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Laurie,
I'll write after I find something out, Ok?
Cathie
Last edited on Mon Oct 22nd, 2007 04:12 am by Mending Soul
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oceanbreeze
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Posted: Mon Oct 22nd, 2007 07:48 am |
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Cathie,
I got an annulment some years ago. It was so difficult filling out all those forms because I had to re-live so many details. The church wants to know so much. It's worth it though. But you need to do it for yourself.
Jesus loves you. He always has and always will. We need to rejoice that he resurrected and lives for us, in us.
My husband and I got married in the church two years ago. It's a long story, but a blessing. I'm now a Eucharistic Minister at our church and volunteer to bring communion to our local hospital on Wednesdays when the regular volunteer can't make it.
It's ok to cry. You will feel better after you get it out. I get like that sometimes. I got your message about that movie. Weird thing is, I just got an email from a church friend telling me about it as well. I will see it. Also, if you look above at the members button and look me up, click my name you can see my email address. Hang in there. God is with you.
Laurie
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Mending Soul
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Posted: Tue Oct 23rd, 2007 08:11 am |
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Laurie,
I am so grateful to have found another soul out there who understands some of my life and issues and beliefs...
Today was a hard day...and I am so tired I can't sleep...so I'll write...
I just wanted to share with others that one thing I am learning is that I need to take the risks to be 'uncomfortable' and learn 'new' behaviors...like how to play again...I've spent so many years suffering...I forgot how to play...the little girl in me never got to play just to play...there was always someone around, judging, criticizing, ending or controlling or dictating the play...so...I want to begin to play again...and then maybe I'll begin to feel joy in living again...
All of recovery can't be just the bad feelings...there are the 'good' feelings I've always been to afraid to have...because someone would take them away...
But even if I lose them again...I would rather live having felt some good feelings than continue to be too afraid to take the risk...so wish me well...I want to paint.
PS - the anullment is getting harder...I'm into the ugliness of my first marriage...so I can only write a little and then I have to take a break....
I prayed a new Rosary at mass today given by one of my friends...it's from Anne Catherine Emerich's book...and I can't believe the soul peace it has brought in only one day...today I felt HOPE for the first time in 6 or 7 years....what a gift.
Anyway...I want to thank each and every one of you for writing and sharing here...you are instrumental in my recovery. Thank you Susan for giving this to us.
Cathie
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Mending Soul
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Posted: Fri Oct 26th, 2007 03:24 am |
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Today has been a very hard day for me...I slept for about 14 hours last nite after attempting to clean some of my house...I've been bed-bound for so long...that just some heavy housework exhausted me...and of course increased all my pain issues...
So, today...I haven't been able to do much...I applied to go to a program for women recovering from PTSD in Florida...of course they don't help the poor find funding to go...so I got depressed about being so poor...and discouraged about not being able to find a 'therapist' who's also 'catholic' in my area...
Then I saw my husband today...(we've been separated for 5 years because of his abuse...but I'm still financially dependent on his help for rent, etc...)...and he looks terrible...he just had a defillibrator put in for congestive heart failure and he has severe emphysema...he's had heart disease for over 10 years...I've known him for 21 years...and he's so swollen with water....and so grey...it just overwhelmed me...in spite of all the abuse and the separation...he was the 'love' of my life...He's tried to make ammends for the abuse...I just couldn't ever trust him again...so...we're some sort of 'friends'...I haven't been able to 'move on'...I guess because I still love him...and I think I will be burying him soon...he looks so bad...so, I've been crying all nite...and looking for music, etc. for his funeral...even though none of us knows when someone will die...I've never seen him look so bad...and he's not taking care of himself...still smoking...not walking at all...sedentary for the past 3 years...and when he does go anywhere...he ends up having small heart attacks...
I'm having the hardest time imagining life without him...we talk almost every day...we have 6 kids together...I just feel so, so sad...
Not only about how bad he looks...but about his wasted life too...he was an abuse victim like me...has a past as bad as mine...has been a Recovery Community Director for the past 8 years...so at least he has that to show for all the abuse...and his attempts to overcome it...but mostly...he denies his childhood pain...that's another reason we're not together...he buries pain...I bring it up to get rid of it...so...there isn't a whole lot of communication on that level...and you can't have a marriage with someone who won't acknowledge their own pain...let alone yours...so...it's just so very sad what abuse does to our lives...and all the things it takes away...
And I have to start figuring out how I'm going to manage financially when he's gone and that terrifies me too...since I'm disabled...and have so many unpaid bills...that even if I went to work doing something...my creditors would take everything...I am just really discouraged today.
So, all around, it's been a hard day...my house still needs so much more cleaning...I have so much paperwork to do...I didn't even make it to mass today...felt too down to go out...
I hate days like this...anyone else have days like this?
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Mending Soul
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Posted: Fri Oct 26th, 2007 03:24 am |
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Thanks ahead for anyone who responds.
Cathie
Last edited on Fri Oct 26th, 2007 03:25 am by Mending Soul
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oceanbreeze
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Posted: Fri Oct 26th, 2007 08:21 am |
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Hi Cathie,
I'm sorry you are going through so much pain. I think we all have our bad days. You're a fighter and have been through so much. I try and focus on the things I am thankful for when things are bad. That helps me. So does praying. I hope your day is better tomorrow.
Laurie
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scw4survivors
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Posted: Fri Oct 26th, 2007 12:51 pm |
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Cathie,
I'm sorry you're having a rough day (or two). I agree with Laurie ... you are strong and you have done well.
I'm not Catholic; in my understanding of things, my God is compassionate and forgiving and wants to ease our pain ... even -- and maybe especially -- when we can't make it to services.
Hang in there ...
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Mending Soul
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Posted: Sat Oct 27th, 2007 05:30 am |
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Susan and Laurie and everyone,
Thank you so much for caring...I really hate hard days...had another one today...so depressed...probably about everything...and feeling completely overwhelmed...
Some days, the tasks ahead to recover from all the abuse...to re-learn taking care of myself financially when I am so physically depleted...to complete all the tasks I've been physically and emotionally unable to do for 10 months now...it's like looking at a mountain I have to climb if I want to feel any better...and only seeing other mountains behind it...some days...I really forget to take one minute at a time...one hour at a time...one day at a time...I forget it's doing just a little...to accomplish the whole climb...
My kitty, TT, is sick too...he needs dental work...I know he's in pain today...he keeps rubbing his teeth on everything...so I've been on-line looking for grants for him to get vet care...cause I sure don't have the money right now...and I took in a stray kitten because TT was getting so lonely since I had to put my 2 best friends to sleep last January(Muffin and Sammy - they were my dogs for 8 years...Muffin had cushings syndrome, arthritis, and other issues...and Sammy developed 'Springer Rage'...so he was getting too dangerous to bring anywhere anymore...Muffin was a beautiful Bichon and Sammy was a beautiful Springer - I still feel so much guilt about putting them down because I promised them I never would...and the vet screwed it up so bad...they suffered at the end...some days the guilt is unbearable and the trauma of watching my beloved pets suffer at the end still haunts me every day...) ...and I've been so sick, TT hasn't had all the attention he needed...so he's been happier with the kitten...but that means trying to find more money to spay the kitten and get her shots...why I do this to myself, I don't know...I'm really too poor to have pets...but I get so lonesome by myself...since the separation from my husband...and all the kids are grown...and some of the kids are so screwed up...I rarely see them...so the pets become my 'substitute' kids I guess...plus I have such a big heart for animals...if I had the money...I'ld probably have a ranch of dogs, cats, horses, ducks, chicks...etc...my animals love so unconditionally...and I know my therapists have said that having pets has been good for my mental and physical recoveries...it's just the money thing all the time...
I've been unable to get another dog because I still miss Muffin and Sammy too much and still feel so much guilt...plus I've been too sick to care for a dog anyway...
So, I pray I find some grants to help defray the costs of the kitty's vet care....
Some days....the profound sadness of all that the abuse has stolen away from me over the years is so deep...I feel like I'm drowning...and all the continued losses...some days I wonder if I will have joy in my life ever again...
I did finally paint a little yesterday...painted one of my statues that needed re-touching...was surprised at how much I had forgotten about painting and mixing colors...it's been 14 years or so since I've allowed myself to be creative...mostly I've been too sick to do much of anything for the past 10 years...besides struggle to survive...and recover from 12 surgeries...my body is so very tired...
Thank you for the votes of confidence in my strength...because I haven't been able to see it lately...
Thank you Susan for this site...sometimes after I write...I feel such a relief...like Makwa said...I don't have to explain 'Mars' to anyone here...because we've all been there...and that is such a comfort...and such a freedom...to just be me and know that you all really KNOW how it is...
Well, tomorrow is another day....I hope it's a better one for all of us.
Thanks again for caring.
Cathie
Last edited on Sat Oct 27th, 2007 05:45 am by Mending Soul
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