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Letty
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Posted: Sat Sep 15th, 2007 03:50 am |
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For awhile now I have been thinking (in the back of my mind) about forgiveness. As a health major and spiritual healer, I think forgiveness is a HUGE part of releasing negative energy and becoming free. HOWEVER, as an incest survivor I think forgiveness is a load of CR*P. I swear I have like a thousad voices yelling all at once telling me what I should and shouldn't do regarding my healing and forgiving the people who violated me. While I think that forgiveness is often deemed black and white...(ie: you forgive or you don't. . .) I don't think it is that simple, and I definately don't think that my Christian upbringing combined with the old addage "forgive and forget" help my dilema. The standard definitions for forgiveness do not work for me:
To pardon; to remit, as an offense or debt; to overlook an offense, and treat the offender as not guilty. Websters 1828
To excuse for a fault or an offense; pardon. Modern online dictionary
In fact these definitions for me sound like denial!
While I don't have all the answers I have some things that have been very helpful. Like redefining Forgiveness as a RELEASE. I release my anger, feelings etc to my Higher Power. I release Glenn to my Higher Power. My Higher Power is full of perfect justice and mercy. I am not, nor am I interested in any mercy for Glenn. Forgiveness is not for Glenn, and it is not about 'freeing' Glenn from his accountablitiy. FORGIVENESS IS ABOUT ME!
To give wholly; to make over without reservation; to resign. Websters 1913
When I give myself wholly (over to my Higherpower), he makes me over without reservation. He makes me beautiful. He fills me with light and love. I resign to His love, I resign my fight against myself. . .I release myself of the battle to quote on quote "forgive", rather I just release.
Forgiveness, cannot be forced. It comes when it comes. It is a process.
I can't pretend to forgive and (gasp) I don't even want too. (when I think about forgiveness in the old definition). In fact I enjoyed burning pictures of glenn last week in my BBQ and (double gasp) I even wished he could feel the burn. If I tried to force forgiveness for the sake of . . .being a good Christian, or "getting through" this, I miss a more important step: Honoring my feelings. I have had to stuff my feelings for 30 years! My voice was crushed! It is now just learning that it is safe to speak up and speak out! Rushing though the path of healing would only shut up my inner child and ignore it. (I've had enough of that).
Bottom line is this: Forgiveness equals freedom for ME! It comes little by little, not to quick, not too slow, but just right! Just when I need it. It is not about letting someone off the hook, God will take care of them! It really is about me being. . .WHOLE AND FREE!
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Lori
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Posted: Sat Sep 15th, 2007 08:04 pm |
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Hi Letty,
First of all let me say that your posting really made me think about myself, my relationship with my brother, forgiveness, and how it relates to my life.
Forgiveness. WOW. That's a huge word which means different things to each of us. I could look at "forgiveness" as it is defined in the dictionary, but in all honesty, that just does not do it for me. I too have a strong relationship with my Higher Power. I ask my Higher Power daily for guidance to help me with my feelings of anger, frustration, guilt, shame, and self acceptance. I will never forgive my brother to the point of "pardoning" him for what he did to me. I will never "overlook" his offenses against me. But I have come to some peace within myself where he is concerned. I have come to realize that he is human. For a long time I do not think that I thought of him as a human being. I thought of him as a monster. I thought of him as some vile creature. I believe that those thoughts just fed my own self hatred. Making him bigger than life (like the ultimate scary monster from the movies) just continued to give "power" to all the negative feelings I have about myself.
Have I forgiven him? I don't know truthfully. Do I feel that I need to forgive him? No. Today is about me. Today is about how I can survive and thrive during the second half of my life. I have a strong belief that "thriving" is personal to each of us. Some feel that they cannot heal until they have confronted their abuser, while others find healing without confrontation. It is personal to each individual process. I believe that if we look deep enough inside of ourselves that we will come to know what we need to do in order to heal. I also don't believe that any particular path is the "right" way or the "wrong" way. What works for me may not work for someone else.
I do believe that we all have the same goal in mind. To live happy, healthy lives. I too find freedom through "release". I talk about my feelings today. I share with others what has happened to me. I am no longer timid about telling someone "no", or vocalizing my likes and dislikes. I guess you could say that I confront my emotions now instead of stuffing them down or acting out in unhealthy ways.
Thank you for posting and sharing. It really did give me "food for thought" today.
Lori
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Letty
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Posted: Sat Sep 15th, 2007 09:19 pm |
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Amen!
After I read your post, I thought. . .it is less about forcusing on "them" and more about focusing on me. It so validates my feelings to work on what I can change.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
I can only change me!
Thanks Lori!
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Mending Soul
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Posted: Mon Oct 15th, 2007 12:58 am |
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I've read your post on forgiveness as it has been an issue for me for some time with my abusers and my children's abusers...when I found out my 1st husband had raped my youngest daughter...I could not stop the rage or thoughts of murder...and I prayed to God to help me as I didn't even trust myself anymore...and immediately He gave me an image of my 1st husband as a little boy getting raped himself...and right then...the murderous rage left...however...I still struggle with the rage and unfairness and evil in this world...especially when he got off in court...and I watch the devastation done to the entire family as a result...especially to my daughter...
I am reminded of one thing...forgiveness does not mean accepting unacceptable behavior...because you forgive...or your Higher Power gives you the Grace to forgive, which is what I need so much...does not mean your abusers are off the hook...they are still accountable for their choices and behavior...just like you and I...and even if we decide not to confront the abuser...each person decides that for themselves in their own time...does not mean they are still unaccountable...they are...our souls are going somewhere when we leave this world...I believe if you don't turn and face your wrongs here...you will in the hereafter....and that gives me comfort...because I forgive...does not mean he/or she gets off the hook...what it means is I no longer have to carry the rage and murder and hatred in my heart...and then there is room for my heart and soul to heal...I hope before I leave this world...that I am able to forgive my many abusers...until then...I work on the pain...the anguish...the feelings...emotions...damages done to my life...the rage...and hatred...because my pain is in ME...and it affects ME...and those I love...and I work on love..and gentleness...and kindness...and goodness...and BOUNDARIES...which were stolen from me...but I only work today...because today is the only day I have...
I wish the best for all of you.
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