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JenniferV515
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Posted: Wed Sep 12th, 2007 09:42 pm |
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| I was molested by my grandfather (my mother's father) in Italy from about age 2 until we left for the US when I was 9. Then again when I went back to visit when I was 10. He died after that and I never saw him again. I am now 29 years old. I have told my brothers, who believed me right away. I suspect he probably did it to my mother, who killed herself when I was 9. I had all the signs of a child being abused, but no one chose to see it. Maybe I feel angry at my father for not protecting me, I don't know. But I hear my dad always saying what a great man he was but I have gotten more vocal about saying what a b#stard he was. When my dad told me that there was a period of time that he was over everyday when we were little, it made me feel like fainting because I knew why he was coming over and I almost told him then. I'm afraid to tell him for a million reasons. I don't want him to look at me in "that way", I'm afraid he won't believe me, I'm afraid our relationship won't be the same, I'm afraid he'll believe me but be mad about me telling him because it ruined the image he had of him. But I have to tell him because it burns me up inside and I hate that it makes me STILL feel ashamed because it's a secret. EVERYONE that is close to me knows, I'm never ashamed to talk about it. But for the above reasons, I'm afraid to talk about it with my dad. I feel that I'll never be free until I tell him. Now there's an urgency to tell him because he has been battling cancer for a few years and I'm afraid that he'll die never knowing. I NEED him to know. It's not fair that the shame mine, but I don't want to give it to my dad or make him feel bad. I just want him to know. My father and I don't have the best relationship and often times I think I hate him. But part of me feels like it's because he doesn't know what a horrible man his father-in-law was. I'm thinking about writing it all in a letter, because I can't face him to tell him. But then I'm scarred of that first phone call after (we live in seperate states). If anyone out there has a similar experience and can offer some advise, please respond. Thanks for reading.
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scw4survivors
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Posted: Thu Sep 13th, 2007 12:53 pm |
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Wow, Jennifer ...
I feel like I could have written much of what you said ... the only difference for me is that my mother is still alive. About four or five months ago, I finally reached a point where I could not "protect" her any more ... I wanted to tell her what her father had done to me. I knew the logistics would be difficult since I live in the DC area and my parents are in central Texas.
I have two wonderful sisters (6 and 8 years older ... they had each other to keep them safe, so my grandfather never got to them). It was such a blessing when they volunteered to tell her for me.
So, I guess I'm wondering about what help your brothers might be? Or other friends/family you have trusted?
Just a thought ...
Susan
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JenniferV515
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Posted: Thu Sep 13th, 2007 03:05 pm |
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Thanks for the response. You're absolutely right. I can't protect him anymore. I won't. And that's the way that I have to approach it when I tell my dad. My younger brother was 3 when we left Italy, so he doesn't remember our grandfather. But my older brother does and he believes me. He just left today for a trip to Italy to visit our relatives and he volunteered to talk to them about it and also to see if any of them were his targets as well. Which, as coniving as he was, I'm sure I wasn't the only one. He had 4 daughters and 5 other grandaughters. I talked to my brother about it and I thought he would tell me that I shouldn't bother my dad about it since he's going through chemo but he said "if that's what you have to do to heal, then do it." That gave me more courage. I'm going to write him a letter. Then I'm going to wait for him to call me, but I don't know if I'll be able to answer the phone the first time he calls. Funny thing is, I went through 4 years of therapy and had worked through a lot of this. Then I watched the movie "Northcountry" and it triggered it back. I knew I had more healing to do, but I hate that it's back. It's easier to supress it because I don't want that monster to have any more part of me. And everytime I go through depression over it I feel like he's winning, so it catapults me into doing something about it to get closer to healing. He had my childhood, he doesn't deserve my adulthood.
I read your story and it really hit home for me. Thanks for being so brave. You're helping so many people, more than you know. The difference between our stories is that I remembered every single detail of it, and I'm not able to talk about WHAT he did. You've come a long way in your healing, I can tell. Let the earth bless you, you deserve it.
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JenniferV515
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Posted: Fri Sep 21st, 2007 08:28 pm |
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| Well, guess what. I told my dad and he didn't want to hear it. Further, my brother said "he (my grandfather) is dead and it's in the past. Don't tell anyone else. You have to get over it and move on". I've always hated my family, all of them. I've decided to "break-up" with them. I have not need to speak to any of them ever again. All they ever did was fuel my low self-esteem.
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Letty
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Posted: Sat Sep 22nd, 2007 04:10 am |
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Jennifer-
I like that. . ."break up with them". It sounds healthy to me to not be around those who can't support you.
Thanks for being so candid!
Andrea
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Kate
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Posted: Fri Jun 27th, 2008 11:37 pm |
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Sweetheart, if your family didn't protect and support you at the time, they sure ain't going to do it now.
Dump them. I did.
Kate.
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