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babysister
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Posted: Wed Aug 29th, 2007 02:06 am |
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i grew up feeling so responsible for my brother. if i told him no, it hurt his feelings, and that was MY responsibility. when i wanted to tell, i felt sick inside because he would get in trouble and it would be MY responsibility. he knew just how to make me feel so that i was paralyzed. he explioted my nature to want everyone to be ok...everyone except myself.
and i was responsible for all the upheaval when i talked about it. it was my responsibility to play nice and suck it up for all the family finctions. if i blew up or didn't speak to him or talked openly about any of it, i was responsible for making everyone else uncomfortable. didn't anyone realize that I had been MORE than uncomfortable??
even now, 9 years after therapy, i wonder at the way my family is surprised when i have animosity toward him. i guess they thought i'd be over it by now...
i'm tired of bearing that load. i'm tired of caring what other people need and want. i did that for a long time, and it nearly destroyed everything in me. my husband says i'm way too far on the other side now. "maybe you were a push-over before," he says, "but now, you go nuts when anyone asks ANYTHING of you." i've been thinking a lot about that. i am still very touchy and overreact when people tell me what to do and when someone makes me feel like i don't have a choice in what i do or don't do. i just wonder how i'm ever going to find balance with this. i wonder if anyone else out there has been on this pendulum. is there ever a middle ground? i'm just so afraid if i give an inch, someone might take a mile, and then i'll be right there in the same boat. i'd like to think i'd defend myself or see the red flags, but i just don't know. i mean, if i let anyone that close - if i trust them not to take advantage of my kindness - am i even capable of putting that much faith in someone else anymore? i want to be...
wow...i didn't realize i had so much to say...thanks for listening.
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Lorus
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Posted: Wed Aug 29th, 2007 03:05 am |
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| Babysister, I think what you have may be a little healing. I was the same way, I was all over the place, searching for me, what was I supposed to do? How was I supposed to feel and act? I reacted to everything because of this heightened emotional state. These feelings kept coming out with each event and I didn't know how to deal with them. Everytime I blew up I would learn to stop, sit down, and think about what happened. I started to analyse myself, the event that caused it and learn from it. And as I learned more about myself, I learned to control it. I learned I had choices no matter what anyone said. I did find more balance, and also learned to deflect a lot of bs other people had to say. Keep looking within yourself, it's there. Abuse made us believe we didn't have the power, but we do.
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Letty
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Posted: Mon Sep 3rd, 2007 01:33 am |
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I so relate to the swinging pendulum and overeacting. I have found that the middle ground comes. There are some things that I can see clearly and stay in balance on. There are other things that hit a nerve and drive me over the cliff of insanity. I'm not sure why, but I believe that in time, with more healing, balance will come. After all, my life has been spent mostly as someone being abused. It is only natural to feel defensive as I take back power and get healthy. THis is new ground I am on.
Thanks for your share.
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Katieishealing
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Posted: Fri Sep 21st, 2007 08:07 pm |
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Oh my goodness it's like this came straight from my head! I don't know if the balance ever is really found... if it is I haven't found it yet and i want it as well. you're not alone I found myself knodding my head in agreement to everything you posted.
Kate
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Mending Soul
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Posted: Mon Oct 15th, 2007 01:37 am |
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Babysitter,
I so identify with your 'swinging pendulum' over 'over-responsibility' and 'not being responsible...
I was the 2nd eldest born into a family with sexual, physical, emotional, spiritual abuse which started by my father when I was an infant. He treated me like his 'wife' which created rage and hatred from my neglected and abused mother...so not only did I never know what real 'love' was...from either a mother or a father...but I ended up feeling so responsible for all my siblings and took the parenting role for 45 years...as I became sicker and sicker physically and financially and could no longer be the 'parent' to my disfunctional family...and started saying 'no'...the reaction was anger, rejection, disbelief, denial, and out-right hatred and of course abandonment toward me....because I had upset their applecart...but as I've gotten more help...emotionally and spiritually...and psychologically...I realize it's ok...I was never a 'part' of my family 'really'...just someone they had learned to use and abuse...and now...if they refuse to learn to treat me with the love and respect I deserve...then it's their loss...It still hurts...everyday....the horrible and unacceptable reactions of my family members...but I have to have faith...that I am getting well...I am breaking the cycle of abuse...I am breaking the generational curses...so maybe someday...some of them may get well too...if not...it's ME I have to live with...and it's the TRUTH I have to live with...I've lived with denial and abuse long enough...now it's time I have a chance to heal...
But, I still find myself struggling with that sense of responsibility...and my tendency to enable others to use me...and I still struggle with that...but I certainly didn't learn my old behaviors and responses overnite...and it will take time for me to learn and feel comfortable with new and different self-enchancing and other-enchancing behaviors that are not destructive...like they say "Rome wasn't built in a day"...Neither are we...
My prayers and support are with you in your struggle to heal.
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