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adrienne
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Posted: Sat Jul 21st, 2007 05:37 pm |
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I have been struggling, especially this past week, with really accepting as true the things that I know to be true. It is terrifying. My biggest fear is not knowing how I will cope when the emotional impact of the abuse hits home. For now I have all of the abuse stuff locked up in a room in my mind. I know that it is there and the contents of the room are continually multiplying as I deal with it more and more. And even though this stuff is locked up I can't escape it. I find myself constantly visiting this room - whether I want to or not. At the same time, my emotions are locked up in another room. I know that they are there, but I rarely visit that room. Still, though, my emotions are also piling up until it sometimes feels like the door to that room is going to burst open under the pressure and all of my emotions are going to come tumbling out. I worry that these two separate rooms are not going to be separate for much longer. I don't know how I will deal with it when that happens and I have to deal with feeling my feelings about the abuse. Right now I still get overwhelmed by just the facts of what happened.
I know that this has to happen in order for me to move forward in my healing. I know that it is counterproductive, but I feel like as long as I can put off accepting the facts I can also put off dealing with the emotional aspect of it. I'm not sure how to get past the fear.
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scw4survivors
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Posted: Sat Jul 21st, 2007 10:54 pm |
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Adrienne,
I can't recall how many times my therapist told me, "It will happen when you're ready." I must confess that I didn't really understand what that meant. As I look back, I can see that, while I may not have liked having to deal with the feelings, I did seem to have enough strength, stamina, insight, care, helping hands (and arms for hugs), whatever to survive whatever came.
You have done a good job of getting to this point; I think each of us knows best how to deal with our own stuff ... and we've done a good job of moving forward.
I'm sorry if this sounds too much like a cheerleader with no real substance; I do think the truth is that the rooms will stay separated until you're ready.
I'll keep you in my prayers.
Susan
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Heather
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Posted: Sun Jul 22nd, 2007 09:20 am |
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Adrienne, I feel the same way as you do! I seem to get so far in therapy and then i start to withdraw again. I know it is because i'm frighten that i will be so overwhelmed with feelings that i will not be able to cope.
I remember all my abuse ( i think) and i know it all happen but i am always saying to my therapist, if i say it out loud it makes it real. Your post has helped me realise what i am doing. I know what happen to me was real but i can see now that i'm having a difficult time accepting its real.
But like Susan has said, it will happen when it happens
Heather
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Lorus
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Posted: Sun Jul 22nd, 2007 02:55 pm |
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| I also agree with Susan, I had the picture of all my memories and emotions sitting in their own cubby hole and the walls were full of cubby holes. After the first two weeks of what seemed like a very quick trip through my life. I would sit down, either alone or in therapy and learned that I could only speak about one thing at a time. I could only write about one thing at a time. But I could think about what seemed like hundreds of things at one time. I'd pick what I wanted to talk about in therapy, or if I wasn't in a talkative mood, my therapist would guide me to something. But the writing is what helped me. I couldn't write fast enough and put these things down I paper. I didn't want to believe what I was remembering and I remember everything too. But putting it down on paper made it real for me. Now it wasn't controlling me by being in my head, I was controlling it by having it on paper to do what I want with it. I could destroy it, I could burn it, I could simply throw it away. But I chose to face it and for me to face it on that paper helped me learn about it. I was able to throw a lot of memories in a more controlled place. I also started to put good memories in those cubby holes. This stuff isn't easy because abuse controlled us, we have to learn to control it. You'll get to that point by going at your own pace.
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stephanie
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Posted: Mon Jul 23rd, 2007 05:53 pm |
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I, too, always had that closet in my mind that held all this STUFF. I knew what was in it but thought if I ever opened that door it would all explode out. I have opened the door, and some has exploded out, but my emotions seemed to be trapped. I like what Adrienne said about your emotions that are in another room. Mine all seem so disconnected right now.
How do you get to those feelings? My therapist keeps telling me that FEAR is still so great that it still overrides any other feelings. Anger is a big one, I don't feel any toward my dad, and if any one seems angry about him than I just seem to go numb and flat.
Not sure what to do next. I feel stuck, in the "recovery" process. I can feel "angry" and get mad at myself for not being able to get through this.
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scw4survivors
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Posted: Mon Jul 23rd, 2007 07:15 pm |
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Stephanie,
I'm sorry to hear that you feel "stuck." Please remember that sometimes just showing up is a victory itself. Keep moving forward. I know there were times I felt stuck and wondered why I had ever started down this road. Looking back, I know I'm glad I did take those first steps.
Hang in there ...
Susan
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Becky Desjardin
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Posted: Wed Jul 25th, 2007 09:46 am |
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Hi Adrienne,
First of all let me say that you are not alone and you are very brave to undertake this journey. I have had my own journey that was started yrs and yrs ago. I could NOT have done it without the help of many therapists.
I do hope you have one. Recovery is a process. I am sure you already know that. I wish I could tell you that is was easy and painless, but that would be a lie. I think most of us have had ENOUGH lies in our lives already! We need the truth. But take it slowly. Do it at your own pace. There is NO recovery police!!!!!!!!!
I have written a book, I peer counsel other survivors and I have a website. If you ever want to talk, pls write to me at BeckyDes@optonline.net. My website might help you also, try it. This url will change soon but for right now it is still at
http://members.aol.com/beckydes/picture.html
Adrienne, I can PROMISE you this, it will be hard, but you can do it and will be SO MUCH stronger on the other side. Write to me. Take care.
Becky {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{ }}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
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Kate
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Posted: Fri Jul 18th, 2008 10:19 am |
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Hello Adrienne
My father died in 1985 when I was 33, and my first memory flash came about 6-8 weeks after that. I didn't believe it. In 1991 I started to have panic attacks. In 1994 the flashbacks and panic attacks started coming thick and fast and I saw my first therapist, who unfortunately wasn't competent. In 1997 I found the therapist I still have.
Here it is in 2008 and I am 56 years old, and I am still where you are. I know what I know, but I can't attach the feelings to it. They're quite separate.
Last year I had a massive panic attack and ended up in the Accident and Emergency Dept of the local hospital because I thought I was dying of a stroke, or something. In retrospect, this event was the feelings belonging to the abuse, starting to come up. They didn't come right up and overwhelm me - they just came about a quarter of the way. I tried to crawl out of the crib in the ambulance in an attempt to get away from what was coming up from my diaphragm.
Now, somehow at some time I shall have to marry up these shocking feelings with what my intellect knows.
I have to tell you - I'm in no hurry. I know I shall be healed when I do this, I know all will be well with my universe when I do this, I know this is why I have been in therapy for so long. But I am now in no hurry.
The feelings are utterly, overwhelmingly evil. They mirror exactly what was done to me.
Thank you for setting out in writing how you feel. It has helped me immensely to recognise the terror is so great that even at the age of 56, with the support of my spectacular adult daughter, my wonderful friends and my excellent therapist, I still am unable to experience how he made me feel when I was 3.
Bless you, Adrienne.
Kate
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stephanie
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Posted: Fri Jul 18th, 2008 02:24 pm |
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Wow! This is exactly what I am trying to deal with in therapy right now! For years, since I never forgot, or denied what happened - I just never told anyone, I told myself "so what, it's no big deal". or "It's over so forget about it".
Then in our group a couple weeks ago, my friend was saying how she would say it's no big deal and then I realized how long I've been telling myself that, over and over.
Anyway, I started to write down random thoughts, meaning to eloborate later, but it actually turned into sort of a poem. Starting with "when did so what! become such a big deal". My therapist thought it was very good and a big step ( I just handed the paper to her to read). We have talked about some of the verses, and I am trying to get to my feelings. But I freeze up and can't seem to speak, although sometimes the words are flying around in my head.
Yesterday, I had the dumb idea that maybe if I read it out loud to her, maybe I would finally break down and cry. I wrote the thing, I knew what was on the paper, (although not many details, but the words brought details to my mind), I could hardly look at the paper, finally barely made through reading the parts we had already talked about, then got stuck, couldn't go on. It's like Heather said, there's something about saying it out loud, it's SO hard.
I am so embarrased that I couldn't even read out loud what I wrote.
Stephanie
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scw4survivors
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Posted: Sat Jul 19th, 2008 02:07 am |
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It is a big deal, and teaching ourselves that it was not a big deal is how we coped. That helped us get through to this point. It's okay to take time to unlearn the old and learn the truth: it was a big deal ... it was not our fault ... we are not the bad ones.
My prayers are with you.
Susan
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Kate
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Posted: Sun Jul 20th, 2008 04:06 am |
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Hi Stephanie
If I could have remembered through the years, I too, would probably have told myself that it was no big deal. It's call minimising. It is actually a very effective coping mechanism.
Sometimes I still use it. Aren't we wonderfully adaptable and flexible?
I shall continue to use it, too, until I can actually feel to the depths.
Which brings up another thing - medication.
I am on Paroxetine 20mg daily. I was on it for 7 years and got very fat. I have never been overweight before. I went off it for 2 years and within months my weight dropped back to normal.
After my massive panic attack which landed me in hospital, I went back on it. That was 2 years ago, and I am getting fat again.
However, although my weight is a health worry, my main worry is that I don't get very happy or very sad, or excited or depressed. I am really flat emotionally.
Does anyone else have flat emotions which they think may be related to medication?
Kate
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scw4survivors
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Posted: Thu Jul 24th, 2008 02:23 am |
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Hi, Kate,
I take 300 mg of Wellbutrin every day, and it helps keep me from being so tense all the time. For a long time I might have felt flat, but lately I've been feeling more things. I think that's related to my new job and feeling good about myself. Only you can decide if the benefits of the medication outweigh its side effects. Have you asked your doctor about a different formulary?
Hang in there ...
Susan
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Kate
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Posted: Wed Jul 30th, 2008 08:12 am |
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Thanks, Susan
Actually, I have an appointment to see my GP tomorrow afternoon. I have decided I would like to have something that I only need to take when I feel extremely panic-y and am otherwise off meds.
I know what you mean though, by not being tense all the time. When I first went on this medication, all the muscles in my body relaxed so much that I had a spectacular headache, which nearly knocked me out. My poor muscles had been tense for decades and suddenly, within hours, they were able to droop. It was quite dramatic and my posture changed markedly.
Thanks again for your advice. I'm taking it.
Kate
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