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adrienne
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Posted: Sun Jun 17th, 2007 06:09 pm |
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IN HONOR OF FATHER'S DAY
Dad,
Today is a day where we recognize our father's for their influence in our lives. I didn't want you to feel left out or think that you haven't had an impact in my life, so I am writing this to give you credit for the things you did to influence my life.
You betrayed me. You took your little girl's love and trust and adoration and you tore it to pieces. Every time you beat me, every time you molested me, every time you visited my room at night, you destroyed another piece of me. You took away my safety. You took away my self-worth. You taught me that I was a burden to be tolerated or abused, not a person of value. You ignored my right to say no, and in doing so you taught me that I didn't have the right to stop someone from hurting me or doing things that I didn't want them to do. You set me up to be abused later in my life. And I was. And while that abuse is not directly your fault, you are very much to blame. If you had taught me that I deserved to be loved and protected and treated with respect, I would have been strong enough to stand up for myself. If you had shown me what love is supposed to look like then I would not have fallen for lies and manipulation. You taught me to fear and mistrust others. You made me feel used and disgusting and not good enough. And because I felt this way, I spent my life isolated. Afraid to let anyone in. Afraid that they would learn my secret. It has been a lonely existence. I give you credit for that. I also give you credit for all the time I have spent looking over my shoulder in fear. Or laying in bed afraid to close my eyes. Or woken up terrorized by nightmares. Or fallen apart at the mere thought that I may have done something wrong. For feeling abandoned and unloved - I'll let you share that with mom.
I am learning, finally, the truth of my childhood. I am discovering the depth of the hurt you caused me. I am also learning to reclaim my body and my life. It has been difficult. But I am making progress. One day I will be able to live a more normal life. The life of a whole person. I'm not there yet, but I am getting there. I give myself credit for that.
You should know - I am getting strong. And I remember what you did.
Happy Father's Day.
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scw4survivors
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Posted: Sun Jun 17th, 2007 10:44 pm |
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Very powerful ...
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Lorus
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Posted: Mon Jun 18th, 2007 05:00 am |
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| I have tears; you took the words right out of my mouth.
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Heather
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Posted: Mon Jun 18th, 2007 07:50 am |
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| That was everything i wished i could have said to my dad
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cathy
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Posted: Mon Jun 18th, 2007 04:23 pm |
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| WOW!! I am speechless..........
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adrienne
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Posted: Tue Jun 19th, 2007 01:54 am |
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| thank you all for your feedback and support. it's what I wish I could say to my father, too.
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tina marie
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Posted: Sun Oct 7th, 2007 07:35 pm |
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   U R MY INSPIRATION!!!!!!!!!
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Letty
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Posted: Mon Oct 8th, 2007 04:11 am |
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You go girl! So well said and articulate! It makes me feel so proud to of you, (not proud of you as if I am looking down on you,) but proud to feel your energy, your determination and your will to move through this and heal!
Thanks for sharing!
Much love,
Andrea
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Mending Soul
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Posted: Mon Dec 31st, 2007 05:24 am |
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Addriane,
Thank you for expressing in words the many thoughts I have had toward my dad...he has alzhiemers now...and I have wanted to write to him...to express my pain, without the 'hate'...and you wrote what I feel...
I will never be able to thank you enough for saying what I feel.
Cathie
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Mending Soul
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Posted: Mon Dec 31st, 2007 05:24 am |
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Addriane,
My father is currently engaged in an insane quest to bring some 21 year old girl over to the US from Nigeria...my father is 77...so of course, his sick pedophilia goes on...the girl is most likely 'using' him for his money...and for a free ride into the US as she has no relatives here...but his behavior is so disgusting...my father has basically abandoned all of his 8 children...except when he 'needs' to use or abuse them...we don't exist to him except as undesirable property...largely due to his sick sexual, physical, emotional, spriritual, intellectual, political abuse of us and the disfunction it has perpetuated in all our adult lives...so, I guess he imagines he will 'start' over with a 'new' family...my mother died 5 years ago after undergoing horrendeous abuse from him...he had a 11 year old girlfriend at the time she was dying...I can't tell you the horror of what he put her through...or the absolute ugliness of his way of life...
But in spite of it all....I have pity and concern for his soul...so I pray for him...mostly, I think, to relieve myself from the hate which so poisons my heart and soul...but I've been wanting to write to him for so long...because I know he doesn't have much time left and I don't want to have that feeling that I didn't confront him while he was alive, after he dies...so...thank you for your beautiful and poignant words. I know they will help me write my letter...
Cathie
Last edited on Mon Dec 31st, 2007 05:32 am by Mending Soul
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tina marie
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Posted: Mon Dec 31st, 2007 01:30 pm |
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| unsure of what mana is? i do have a ? u know that ur father has an 11yr old and u allow that? knowing how ur life has been, what u have gone thru. i dont mean to b inconsiderate but what is up with that? totally confused
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Mending Soul
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Posted: Tue Jan 1st, 2008 01:36 am |
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Tina,
My father has been a pedophile since I was an infant...and I am 49 years old...Both my mother, me and my sisters all went to authorities over his abuse of neighbor children...they refused to intervene unless the 'victims' complained...we tried everything available to hold him accountable...
I didn't get my memories until I was an adult...and my sister's and I didn't talk about the abuse until the past few years...
There is a statute of limitations on abuse in the state I live in...5 years from each incident...or memory of each incident...and they don't prosecute elder adults here when the 'only' complaining witness is an adult and the complaint involves incidents that occured 20-30 or more years ago...unless of course it's murder...I even went to authorities years ago regarding a woman I witnessed being murdered...but because her body was never located and her name not verified (I was only 4 when I witnessed it)...there was no prosecution...
The families of the children my father was abusing refused to even speak to me, my sisters or my mother...child protection was notified and they declined any involvement also...so, I rest in the knowledge I did everything possible...if you read things on this site...you can read some of my posts and gain this knowledge about my situation...
It is sad that no one will stop him...and he continues his abuse to this day...but I have to believe that there is an eternity...and those who 'get away' with things here, will have to answer in the hereafter...
Rather than dwell on those things I've been powerless to change...I am trying to contemplate those things I can change...one of which is working on my own healing and the healing of my siblings and children...my mom is dead now...so I know she's not suffering anymore...
If you have any other questions, feel free to ask me...I am open to answering any questions you may have...
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tina marie
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Posted: Tue Jan 1st, 2008 01:06 pm |
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| I hope that u r doing well. I have told more people about the abuse in the last year than ever before. do u ever stop thinking about it? will it ever end? i'm 45 yrs old, and everyday i think about it. I don't know what to do to make it stop. Did ur father reply to the fathers day card?
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tina marie
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Posted: Tue Jan 1st, 2008 01:12 pm |
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| i mean no disrespect honestly but where do u live? i have a degree in human services, and i know for fact that department of family services has to get involved. i'm glad u are learning to deal with it god knows i wish i knew how. i'm sorry but u need 2 do more go to ur congressman. let them know that the department isnt doing their job. we do have a responsibility, 2 ourselves but also to the other children who could be involved. i wouldnt wish my life on anyone. i'm glad 4 u that u didn't have 2 deal with this as a child and hopefully u had a decent childhood and discovered how 2 love and trust. when did u discover that u were abused? how does that happen? i know i have read about it but still confused.
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Kate
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Posted: Fri Jun 27th, 2008 09:42 pm |
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Thank you so much, Adrienne. Thank you.
You've just plonked it all exactly where it belongs, and with such accuracy and style.
You're showing us your soul. So, thank you again.
Kate
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