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AP319
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Posted: Sun Aug 24th, 2008 10:05 pm |
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Hi, my name is Anne, and I am a recovering incest survivor. I began remembering about 4 years ago, when the floor literally fell out of my life and I thought I was going insane. You can read the full story in The Courage of the Caterpillar post on this same thread.
For the last 4 years I began remembering more and more, and knew that I lived through extended sexual abuse, including oral sex, sodomy and rape, starting around 4 and ending around 7. I didn't know who it was though, and my healing and sanity were on the edge because of it.
Recently (2 weeks ago) I had another memory fall into place and I realized the person who did all this to me was my father. So many things made sense! The hatred and anger I felt toward my family, the lost period of time where I remembered nothing, the sense I had that I had agreed to a contract where I wouldn't tell or disrupt the peace, why when I asked for help repeatedly as a kid they wouldn't get it for me even though my Mom was in therapy so there was no stigma issue for our family. Everthing made sense, and the healing was tremendous - I felt at peace knowing I wasn't crazy, knowing I wasn't so worthless that no one would help me, knowing my feelings were valid and real. And I became so much calmer, my intense startle reactions to every noise, my inability to be alone at night, my fear of the dark, even the hypervigilant attitude I have with my 5 year old son has gone away. I know now that the boogeyman is not lurking in the darkness somewhere, that I lived with the bogeyman and I can be free to live in the world without intense fear that it all might happen again if I'm not vigilant. It's been a tremendous gift.
It also answers for me questions that I didn't understand for years about my father's relationship with his family, which now it appears crystal clear to me that the same thing must've happened to my dad. Why I never spent the night at my grandparetns growing up. Why my dad let his father rot in a nursing home even though his elder care needs could've be handled at home. Why my dad became a raging alcoholic and why, like me, he eats and spends like crazy to fill the void. It all makes sense, and frankly, breaks my heart.
In the past few years, my parents and I have tried to build new bridges to each other. I did an intervention on them for their drinking that was initially unsuccessful (they just said they drank because I was too difficult to be with) and led to a years estrangement - not our first. Then they got sober and admitted they had a problem and that their biggest sadness came from realzing how it impacted me as a child. They've never attended a 12 step program, which concerns me because i know you can be a dry drunk and still have terrible behaviors without drinking. However, there is a lot more ability to be present for me and my family in them recently and they have been proving that they want another chance.
Here's the thing - I suspect that my father may not remember doing any of this to me. I do think on some level he suspects it, but I'm not sure how receptive he'll be to hearing this. I think for my child's full healing I need to confront, but I'm wondering if it's worth the additional pain it will cause at this late point. If my mom didn't know then, it could even destroy their marriage of nearly 50 years. It could cost me my family, which I'm OK with - I've lost them many times before and survived, even thrived. But it could cost my son his grandparents, and my husbands parents are so old, he's bound to lose them soon as well. He's only 5. There would be additional safe guards in place for my son, even though I don't think he's a threat to my son. They would never be with him alone again.
I know my dad is not the same person he was 30 years ago. I have compassion for the struggles he faced then and the hideous choices he made because of it. I DO NOT CONDONE THEM. But I can understand how when you feel life has you pressed against a wall from pain and too much responsibility without any resources, you can do things you later regret. I've yelled at my son sometimes so much I've hated myself afterwards, even though I knew the combined pain of reliving my childhood and raising him (he has special needs) were more than I could bear. And I was fortunate enough to have him much later in life, with financial security and without a drinking problem. I cannot imagine crossing the line my dad did, but I know that I went further in my yelling then I ever thought myself capable of, and that sometimes, we'll all human. Besides not crossing the same lines, the big difference is that I always said I was wrong and sorry and talked about it with my son, who at 5, can verbalize his feelings better than many adults I know, so at least I know some good came of that awful year when I first remembered.
So, do I dredge this all up again? Make us all relive it and suffer the fallout of bringing it out? Pay the price of speaking the truth? Or do I say thank you for the healing the knowledge has brought me and let's move on? I'm not sure I'm capable of that, though, because I'm afraid I'll blow up at something else later because I really want to talk about this.
I know that all of our paths are unique in as much as they are the same. But advise, perspective and shared accounts would be helpful.
Thanks,
Anne
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scw4survivors
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Posted: Sun Aug 24th, 2008 11:40 pm |
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Anne,
You put it very well ... we share similar experiences, yet we have each traveled a different road.
My grandfather was my abuser, and, for a long time, I did not tell my mother (his only child) or my father. I didn't want to face the fallout.
However, a time came when it was taking a lot of energy to be around them and keep that secret from them. (I had told my sisters years earlier.) That is when I decided I needed to tell my parents.
One of my sisters seems to think that things should be "all better" now that it's out in the open. She loves me and supports me, but she doesn't really understand the fallout. I live about 1500 miles from my parents and don't see them regularly. My nephew got married a couple of weeks ago, and we went down for the wedding.
It's been about a year since I told my parents, and my mother has "longed" to hold me and make it better. I, on the other hand, don't want to be held. Well, at the wedding reception, she pulled me aside to tell me that she thought she "probably would have done the 'right' thing" ... if only I had told her. It felt like she was trying to put the blame back on me for not telling her at the time ... it didn't feel good at all. Yet, she thinks she was doing a good thing.
So, am I glad I told? Yes, I think so.
My therapist had told me to tell the hearer what kind of response I needed or wanted before saying what I had to say. That was a good thing ... it helped me to figure out what I wanted in response before the actual event. She also told me to expect the worse ... for me the worse would not being believed.
I'm sorry this is so disjointed. Our neighbor is here telling us that he had to put his dog down last night ... while his wife and two children were out of town. The dog was having a mild seizure that lasted for about 18 hours and was followed by major seizures. She was 16 years old and was not entirely unexpected, but it does have me somewhat distracted.
Be patient and you'll figure out what you want ...
Susan
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