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scw4survivors
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Posted: Sat Jun 9th, 2007 02:18 pm |
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A visitor to survivingincest.com asks:
What has been your experience with anger? Finally, after twenty-five years, I am permitting myself to feel the fullness of my anger. I must, as I have spent my life turning my anger inward into depression and suicidality. The only way for me to live again ...
I have certainly experienced anger. My problem is that I can't bring myself to be angry with my grandfather. Typically I direct my anger toward my therapist (which it totally undeserved because she's the kindest, gentlest, most compassionate person I know). I know I'm angry with my mother, but I haven't been able to get there yet, either.
Anyone else have any other thoughts?
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Heather
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Posted: Sat Jun 9th, 2007 05:34 pm |
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I know I am angry with my mother but she would never know it! I spent my life not feeling any kind of emotion, just completely numb. I've learned to 'switch off' and I am finding it very hard to let myself feel anything. In therapy, I stop talking if any kind of feeling starts to stir inside of me. If i'm honest, feelings scare me and I think i will lose the plot if I let myself feel. I know that will not happen but something just takes over me and I can't control it.
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adrienne
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Posted: Sun Jun 10th, 2007 10:46 am |
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I'm mostly still at the point of thinking my feelings. I know that I have certain emotions, including anger, I just don't know how to express them safely. I can actually feel anxiety, shame, fear, humiliation; but I can't actually feel the anger or sadness. Maybe it is just that I can feel emotions directed at myself but haven't learned yet how to direct them toward others - especially my abusers. Growing up we were not allowed to express any negative emotions. And questioning of any kind was considered disrespectful and was grounds for punishment. And mom was generally to busy or caught up in trying to cope to ever have time to spend with us. So basically we got ignored a lot. Banned outside with threats if we came in. The general rule was that if we were not going to do something helpful - some kind of chore or entertain a younger sibling or something like that - then go away, because she was busy. Dad we avoided anyway because he was always angry and was physically abusive; we were all terrified of him. No one was interested in how we felt or what was going on in our lives. It didn't really matter if you were sad or happy or anywhere in between - if you weren't seriously injured then it wasn't important. So all of my emotions got ignored or stuffed down or expressed in unhealthy ways - but no one noticed that either. I never learned how to feel or express my emotions in a healthy way. I've ignored them myself for so long that I haven't been able to reach them even when I try.
I've rambled here a bit... sorry.
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stephanie
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Posted: Sun Jun 10th, 2007 05:47 pm |
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I think I am only now at the point to begin feeling. Anger, I am not sure. I automatically say " I am not mad, not angry. When I do get mad at my kids or husband, I will somehow turn it around and it be my fault. I should be able to handle whatever it was better.
I am like Heather in that I stop talking in therapy when I begin to feel. Panic will set in, my heart starts to pound, and then I lose track of the conversation.
I know I probalby should be angry and my dad, but feel fear instead. My Mom, I don't know. I feel like I have no right to be angry at her, how could she have done something to help if she didn't know what was going on?
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cathy
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Posted: Mon Jun 11th, 2007 04:37 pm |
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I too have not been able to get angry. I should be but I don't feel ANYTHING towards any of my abusers. Through all of this my mom is the only one I seem to be able to get angry at and then I am not so sure it's anger I feel towards her. She has never really been there for me before and now that she knows (and does believe me) still is not there for me so maybe I am feeling a little hurt and resentment towards her. But in all fairness to her maybe she doesn't know what to do so should I be angry at her?
I get more angry at myself because I am very much in control of my feelings and I don't allow myself to feel anything. I don't know, maybe that will change with time and continued therapy but it's sometimes scary to think that one day I may not be so in control anymore. Right now it's how I keep myself safe....
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scw4survivors
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Posted: Tue Jun 12th, 2007 06:25 pm |
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I am with you, Cathy. I can get mad at my mother, but not my grandfather. I've attributed that to the fact that he has been dead for over thirty years and my mother is still alive. Maybe that's just an easy way out.
I think, over time, we can learn how to handle the range of emotions properly. We didn't get to learn that as kids, so we're having to learn it now.
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Lorus
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Posted: Mon Jun 18th, 2007 05:48 am |
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| I can only get angry with myself or at others who are not involved with my abuse. I find that anger keeps me from feeling anything that hurts. Anything that can make me cry. I use anger to keep the pain away. My father is dead but my mother is alive. I have a lot of anger towards her because there is a lot of pain involved with her. I try to get angry at my father but can't manage to get as angry with him as I do with my mother. He not only abused me but he fulfilled a lot of what my mother didn't give me. It's hard and confusing and I don't know where to turn but I know little by little I deal with each feeling that comes up and try not to run from it. I try to deal with it and learn from it. After a while I got better at not being so frightened by the feelings. I'm learning to control my anger more and some of the pain is less but not gone. I don't know if that will ever completely go away. Maybe someday I can deal with this just with a sigh and not with a tear.
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Di
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Posted: Mon Jul 2nd, 2007 03:08 pm |
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I could not get angry at my perpetrator when I was first in therapy. I think I still blamed myself. Oh, I could get angry at myself but not at Bob. Then my 16 year old son was driving to church one Sunday evening and a little old lady named Mrs. White ran a stop sign, ran out in front of him, he hit her and pushed her car into another car.
The policeman that showed up didn't even ask my son or Mrs. White what happened but asked a sherriff that told him wrong. I don't know whether the sheriff was mistaken or just lying.
In the end the truth came out because of the paint evidence on the cars but for a few weeks, I was furiously angry and I used the anger at Mrs. White to get at my anger at Bob. Nothing like hurting my child to make me deal with someone hurting me.
Then this past Sept. when I went back to church in the same denomination the abuse occured in and all hell broke loose inside of me, I got really angry again. Probably the healthiest anger I have had as in it was totally directed outward. I was furious that Bob still had the power to affect my life in the present after 34 years!
I see him tomorrow and one of the things I want to tell him is how much his abuse has affected me.
Di
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littlesis
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Posted: Thu Aug 2nd, 2007 12:04 pm |
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| I'm so angry today I can't sleep. (I work 3rd shift) I keep thinking about how much I want to tell my brother how he ruined my life growing up. I want to say you can't control me anymore. I am a woman now not the same fragile little girl you took advantage of. I looked up to you and you destroyed me inside. I'm gonna explode soon I think; it's getting harder to keep the cork on. I will be seeing him on saturday with the family. By the way I tried to call a counselor yesterday but the scheduling office was closed. I'll have to try back today. What do I even say to them as to what my problem is. It's embarrassing....
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scw4survivors
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Posted: Thu Aug 2nd, 2007 01:02 pm |
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When you call to schedule your appointment, you don't have to get too specific at all if you don't want to. If you can tell them that your brother did some bad stuff to you when you were kids it might help them know who would be good for you to work with. At the same time, if you just want to tell them that you feel like you need to talk with someone about some things from your childhood, that would be okay, too.
The bottom line is that you do not need to be embarrassed that this happened to you ... the shame is his, not yours ... you did not do anything wrong.
Believe me, I absolutely understand why it's embarrassing to you -- I just want to try to help you see the truth. It's okay that it's embarrassing.
As to your anger, I know it feels bad. At the same time, I am glad you can be angry with him instead of with yourself. If you don't want to see him this weekend, you don't have to go to the family gathering.
I'll keep you in my prayers ...
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Letty
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Posted: Mon Aug 27th, 2007 04:09 am |
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Anger-
OH, I feel anger. . .at everything. My abuser was my bio father. His name is Glenn. I don't call him 'dad' anymore. . .he doesn't deserve that title, and he won't get another chance from me to be my 'dad'. Anyway. My anger often boils over to my family and my kids. When I am angry, I know that there is something else that is going on. Often times when I am in a situation, and I get angry. . .It is a little buzzer that is telling me something is wrong. The buzzer says, "Someone has told a lie, blamed you or used guilt and shame when talking to you." There are some days when my anger is directed inward. . .that is when I try to write and let it all out. I always hate Glenn's guts. Once when I was feeling so upset that there could not be any justice, I pretended to write a newspaper article for the local newspaper where Glenn lives: "Do you know Glenn? Let me tell you about him." I wrote all the horrific details of my abuse, and I was not politically correct!!
I felt so much better.
Anger for me comes in waves. Instead of turning away from the waves, I try to ride them, whatever they are. I ride the wave and get it all out. I am not usually a cusser, but when I am in an anger wave, my writings become so profane. . .(I can hardly even read them when I'm out of the anger wave) 
Anyway, I do what I need to to get through the wave in the most healthy way. . .I have even wrote Glenn's eulogy. . .although it sounds morbid, it was very healing.
thanks for listening
AL
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Katieishealing
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Posted: Fri Sep 21st, 2007 08:10 pm |
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Anger is an emotion, therefore it was not to be felt or expressed in our home. So I take the anger I feel for others out on my own body. It's sad really I guess. But I am so afraid of what willhappen when I truly tap into that anger and feel it for the first time. The sadness was overwhelming and very difficult to cope with, what will the anger bring?
Kate
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Letty
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Posted: Sat Sep 22nd, 2007 04:03 am |
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What will the anger bring?
I think that is a really good question.
Because my abuser had so much anger, I always thought that if I let my anger out, I would be like him. I was scared to be angry. I was scared to let loose.
However feeling the anger has brought so much healing. . .I don't think i have ever cussed so much in my life. My writings sometimes scare me. . .but it has to come out. . . it has to.
After the anger, there is relief. . .it's like after a big forest fire new growth appears.
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Mending Soul
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Posted: Fri Nov 9th, 2007 07:29 am |
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Anger...when I went to my first 'therapist'...I not only couldn't 'feel' anything...I was so numb...I couldn't even acknowledge my own body (couldn't even look at it in a mirror), let alone say the words of anything that had ever happened to me...when I described how I lost my virginity...I was actually shocked that someone else called it 'rape'...I had become so conditioned to believing that anything that happened to me was somehow 'my fault' and 'my responsibility'...that my thinking, emotions and total personality were completely convoluted...that was 30 years ago...
Since then, I have been through periods of numbness...hatred and rage and blame turned inward in sefl-destructive living and suicide attempts...severe depression and panic episodes...periods of memories and believing I was losing my mind...periods of extreme sadness and sorrow and grief...periods of 'acting out' in anger towards others...and periods of some relative 'stable' emotional times...it's been a very long road...and the losses from the incest, abuse, rapes, domestic violence, economic abuse and medical malpractice have been incalcuable...but 'I' am still here. 'I' have survived...and 'I' have grown...and gone backwards...and forwards...
Today...I feel as if I am 'starting' all over. The fall-out from the abuse and my own reactions and choices as a result have been devastating. But today, I am more 'clean' than I have ever been. I've been given grace to overcome my sexual acting out, my swearing, my constant 'murderous' thoughts, my addictions to chemicals and alcohol, my addictions to caffiene and sugar, and many other issues....through the help of therapy, 12-step groups, prayer, the development of a spiritual life, and the love and support of other victims...but I still have so far to go...and so far to 'forgive' myself...and others...
I find myself now 'reacting' to situations that in the past would have been opportunities for others to 'victimize' me, with 'overblown' anger. A few weeks ago, when pulling up in my driveway, there were two teenage 'thugs' from nextdoor blocking my driveway. The first feeling I had was 'terror', because of what I know 'thugs' like to do to single women who are alone (past history)...The very next feeling I had was rage...rage that I would not be a victim again. So, instead of allowing them to bully me, I got out of my car and told them to 'Get the F---off my driveway, or I would call the police'...I was so angry, they got scared...and later, belligerant...they moved...but of course their mouths were going. I ran in the house and called the police and a neighbor, who came over. They ran away before the police came...
Later, looking back, I wish I would have been more calm...for my own sake...but I also know I gave them a message, that I wasn't someone they wanted to bully and the feeling of anger made me feel that if they were going to victimize me, they would have to fight me for my life...I haven't been 'bothered' since...Sometimes, people think I'm that "crazy" lady...but there have just been times when I felt in my 'gut' that I had to stand up for me...or risk losing my life...
There have been other times when I've been frozen with the terror...but lately...immediately after the terror, I'm filled with rage...the rage scares me because sometimes, I think it alone will put me at risk...
Has anyone else dealt with something like this? What did you do? Or what would you do? This whole area feels confusing to me sometimes...
Anyone's insight would be helpful to me...I live in a neighborhood that used to be 'safe', but lately has been taken over by 'gangs'...so I don't feel 'safe' anymore...and am too poor to move right now....
Thanks ahead for anyone's suggestions.
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Katieishealing
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Posted: Mon Nov 12th, 2007 02:27 am |
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Goodness... i can relate to this. I told a lady in the store this week to mind her own business because she scolded me about how I was handling my daughter's melt down (she's 3). I'm also pregnant and as a result off all my medicines (only for about 3 weeks) so I'm having a bit of a rough time with that anger thing too.... I don't have any suggestions although I wish I did... but you are not alone. Not at all...
kate
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