This is a wonderful day and I so want to tell someone who will not look at me in an uncomprehending or concerned way. I have never said anything like this before.
I hate my stupid fucking arsehole shithead father - I appologise for the inadequacy and lightness of these words but I'm afraid my vocabulary is not large enough to do justice to the hate and loathing and anger I feel towards him. He's been dead for 5 years (unfortunately not the long slow lingering painful death that I would wish on him now) but maybe, just maybe he can hear me above the flames of hell where he must surely be.
It is wonderful to feel these things, to be able to express them; with this anger comes a feeling of strength surging through my veins. For the first time I feel I can face what he did. I know there are still bad times to come, but just now I am tanked up.
I used to believe hate and anger were 'nasty' emotions, things that were 'wrong' to feel. They are not. They are wonderful, and they come to me with accepting the truth of nasty and horrible things. It is not the emotions that are bad - it was the actions that caused the emotions. The emotions are only bad when they are not expressed and are instead turned against an innocent - like oneself.
He was the bad one, not me. He fucked me, he abused me, he made me think I wanted it, he made me confuse love with it. He turned my body against my mind.
Saying 'I fucking hate him' is like a liberation. I feel like screaching down a roller coaster screaming it at the top of my voice.
Ah...thanks for those very appropriate words. You hit the nail I was momentarily ignoring.
I'm not quite there yet.....I still feel deep down that I had some part to play; I can't se myself as sweet and innocent (yet), but at least I'm no longer carrying all the blame.
Has anyone else had problems crying - as in not being able to? As long as I can remember I haven't been able to cry, which I now think must be connected to the abuse. I started remembering the abuse about 10 months ago and although I can feel the tears there dammed up inside me, they just don't come.
