I think what I'm feeling is rage. Although I do my very best to block it out. TO pretend it doesn't exist and that everything will be/is fine. My world has been so stressful and I just walk amongst it all numb in my cozy dissociative bubble.
A few weeks ago my husband and I were considering separating. He was going to move back home (2300 miles from me) and I'd stay here with my child. I thought this is it, this is my out I'm ok with this I want out of this mess... this will be better for all of us. SO I pull up my big girl panties, send out resumes get interviews (psych hospital stuff because that's where the degree lies) and then... blam.... I get a positive result on a pregnancy test. Ok, so not only am I trying to figure out just how this happened but when because I literally do not remember any sex at all. I just black it out, so then I realize that this child was concieved when I was in the midst of a flashback and I was trying my hardest to get out of it... it didn't work and so now I have a pregnancy that reminds me of that awful thing. Not only does the pregnancy and body chagnes trigger me but now what do I have to remember my pregnancy by? By feeling like the man that was with me was raping me like my brother did all those years ago. Not to mention my inablility to say no is still not there so it feels in a way like this child is the product of rape, even though it's not really. I've been completely disconnected from the whole thing. I"m 7 weeks along now had a couple of ultrasounds, saw the beating heart and just really don't care. I guess part of me hopes it will disappear or something although I know it will not. I'm scared... I am beyond scared.
Then... here's another kick in the head. As if that wasn't enough my best friend who lives 1500 miles from me we don't get to see them often enough but we've been very close for 4 years. I found out the other day that she's been lying to me about just about everything for the past 4 years. I shouldn't feel bad when she went to court for her custody hearing her husband found out that she lied, she'd never been to college and lied about even what high school she went to. I also found out she was hitting her children with a wooden spoon for discipline and I don't know how to handle that information. it's triggering and it's saddening and it's enraging. I feel so stupid for falling for it, for believing her and then just getting wholeheartedly betrayed in the end..... and for what? Who cares where/if she went to school I certainly don't.
