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Letty
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Posted: Sat Oct 13th, 2007 05:13 pm |
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I'm 30. I have 3 kids and a very kind husband. Somehow I have managed to make it this far successfully. No one. . .even me (because I had shoved it so far down) knew how truly terrible my abuse was. I come from a middle class family, went to college, have a new home, and a supportive family. I seemingly have a very good life. In reality that is mostly true.
However, I am a very angry, fragile and broken person. I have not felt this low ever. I'm not sure if this is the bottom or if this is just a valley in a process, but never have I felt so broken, so handicapped so dejected so shattered as I do now.
My brain stuggles to focus. I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I forget things, get headaches frequently and feel overwhelmed at the littlest things. What used to be a normal day for me is now too much and swallows me whole. I am scared that my life will be forever handicapped like I feel right now.
I mean come on. . .I am a young mom/wife . .I can't live like this for the rest of my life. I have had to scale back my work hours and feel like an idiot because I used to manage a whole department in our family's business and now I am only going to do payroll and recievables. I feel like I've been demoted, because I'm incapable.
I struggle to accept my limitations. I refuse to accept that I may never be able to do what I used too. I know that is my pride and denial talking. I just feel so scared that if I accept my limitations, everyone will know. I will be humiliated and looked down upon. As I write I know these are just my irrational fears talking. . .but they are the thoughts that soar through my mind. I can see that I just refuse to admit that I am broken. . .I feel that I can't say it. . .then it means it really is true. . it's bad.
Thanks for listening.
Andrea
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scw4survivors
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Posted: Sat Oct 13th, 2007 08:58 pm |
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Andrea,
I am so sorry to hear that you're struggling right now. I have been there, and I made it through. It was hard for me to let others help me ... and I suppose it still is a little hard, but I'm learning.
The truth is that my husband really does love me and wants to help ... but he's not a mind reader, so he can help only when I am able to tell him how to help. He has not said "no" to a request yet although I keep reminding him that I need to know he would decline to do something if he didn't think he could ... only if I know he feels free to turn me down am I able to continue to ask him.
My son was about 16 months old (and my daughter 6) when the truth started seeping out of the deep recesses where I had buried it. There were hard days ... for me, though, the struggle has been worth it. I can't say that bad days don't come any more, because that wouldn't be true. What I can say is that I have learned to ask for help so that the bad days aren't nearly as bad ... and they're not nearly as frequent ... and they don't last nearly as long.
Hang in there and know that my prayers are with you ...
Susan
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Lorus
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Posted: Sat Oct 13th, 2007 09:59 pm |
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HANG IN THERE.
I keep shouting those words to myself when one of those big bumps in the road comes my way. When I have memories, I also keep reminding myself that they're only memories. This will never happen to me again. I was an innocent child when this happened. As scary and hard as it is, I fight by remembering. Some of the worst memories no longer have much power. I now shake my head at how disturbed abusers are. We all have to refuse to admit we are broken, we are not broken we are fighters. That's our strength and what keeps us going. It's what helped us through the abuse and it's what will help us live the rest of our lives. This is hard stuff, it often makes me feel like I'm in the gutter. If I can't take the whole day, I take a few hours at a time. If something keeps bothering me like memories, I write them down and say "I'll get back to you when I have time". Some of the time I don't remember what was bothering me. The memories hit me less and less. They're still there but now the tables seem to be turning a bit. I have memories and let them go a little quicker. They're still painful and without reason, and I still have memories I'm dealing with. But, I also keep a little flame under that anger, just enough to fight and hang in there.
Lorus
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Mending Soul
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Posted: Mon Oct 15th, 2007 12:42 am |
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| I read some of what you shared and I feel so deeply for each surviving person...but to me...we are broken...our souls have been murdered the first time we were innapropriately touched...by a trusted adult...or abused...or raped...or molested...we need to use the real words, because what happened is real...what happened to each victim in horrible and unthinkable and evil...and we are spiritually, emotionally, psychically, psychologically, and physically broken...and we need healing...its ok to have a bad minute, hour, day, week, month or year...if you had been hit by a car purposely...everyone around you would have sympathy during your recovery...expect that...demand that...and if those around you are unable to support you...find others who understand to support you...because you have a right to be heard, to have your broken heart mended, your stolen soul returned, your tears dried, to be held and to be loved completely...we all deserve that...I was sexually abused by my father as an infant...up until I was 11-12...I was emotionally and physically and spiritually abused by both parents my entire life...I was anally raped by an uncle at age 4 and watched another woman murdered who tried to protect me...I was raped at age 15 for 1year...use to leave my body to watch...I suffered domestic abuse, drug and alcohol addiction, depression, panic for years....but there is a Higher Power out there who loved me through it all...I am now 49 years old...and was forced to watch my children abused by my rich first husband who got them through the legal system illegally...and now I watch them destroying their own lives...but I know that I instilled enough love into them when I had them that some day...they will get better...I pray for that every day...I still deal with memories...panic...inappropriate responses to everyday life weekly...but the only day I have to live through is today...this day...and if I can help ease 1 persons pain...give one person hope...share 1 persons burden...then...my day is not wasted...in spite of my past...because when I am gone...it will be the good I did that will be remembered...it will be the smiles I gave...the hugs I shared...the tears I shared...we victims hurt so much because we see what was wrong...we see the truth and the truth is ugly...but because we hurt...we love...if we didn't love, we wouldn't hurt...so keep loving...keep sharing...hold on to hope for tomorrow...but live in today...horrible pain passes...in time...rage passes...in time...love remains.
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