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Katieishealing
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Posted: Thu Sep 20th, 2007 05:02 pm |
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There is a deep sadness that is locked within me. It is brutal and like nothing else I've ever felt. Coming out of denial has been the most difficult process for me. I don't know I guess i never felt any emotions before therapy and now that I feel it's so intense that I just want to go back to how it was before therapy when I didn't care. when I was removed from it enough to not have to face it and feel sad, scared, alone and hurt. The pain is unbearable sometimes. Can anyone relate?
Kate
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scw4survivors
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Posted: Fri Sep 21st, 2007 12:11 am |
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Kate,
I can definitely relate. All I can say is that it can get so much better. Yes, it was awful, and I wanted to go back to where I was when I didn't know. But, it is so much better now. Please just keep putting one foot in front of the other and hang in there.
I will keep you in my prayers.
Susan
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Katieishealing
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Posted: Fri Sep 21st, 2007 12:21 am |
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Susan,
Thank you so much for your thoughts. I really feel better knowing I'm not alone. I sometimes find myself wondering a bunch of things mostly:
1. Where would I be had this not happened to me?
2. Where would I be if I had not started to uncover it all in therapy?
Sometimes I just get so sad... I dissociated from feeling for so many years of my life that the saddness overwhelms me and just fills my being, weighs my spirit. I keep going hoping for the day when I will be able to function as a human being again, because right now that's not looking like a possibility... everything has suffered as a result of this abuse... my marriage, my parenting, my self esteem... just to name a few.
Sorry I'm so down,
Kate
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Letty
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Posted: Fri Sep 21st, 2007 04:56 am |
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Kate-
Welcome, glad you can come and share.
I can definately relate as well. There are some days when the sadness is so strong, it pulls every part of my heart and wrenches it to pieces. I can watch my beautiful children and see all the "good" things in my life and yet it is as if it is all in slow motion. . .because the sadness reigns.
I too have thought, it would be nice to go back. . .but not really. . .I'd rather have the truth no matter how crappy it is. Sometimes I just cry. There is nothing else to do. Sometimes I write, and just let everything out. . .right, wrong, good, bad. . .I just write what comes to my mind, and purge the emotions that have been buried for so long. I sometimes feel like I shouldn't still be sad, mad or whatever. I hate showing my emotions in front of others. But then I gently remind myself, that I had to stuff these feelings for soooo long, it is time for them to come out!!!!. . . .however they need too.
LOL-Andrea
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Katieishealing
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Posted: Fri Sep 21st, 2007 08:05 pm |
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Dear Andrea,
It sounds as though we have a lot in common from your posts to me. Thank you for responding and being supportive. Also and mostly thank you for sharing your experience with me. I know that it hwlps me so much to realize that I am not alone in this boat. Sometimes I feel a ray of hope and othertimes I feel like why bother I teeter totter back and forth and I worry obsessively about my parenting ability. I have a hard enough time with one I don't know HOW you manage 3! You're my hero 
Sometimes, I just don't know when this will end or if it will end. Am I going to have to spend the rest of my days feeling like this? because if I am this is just such a waste of life.
Love,
Katie
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Letty
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Posted: Sat Sep 22nd, 2007 04:22 am |
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Kate-
I struggle not to think of that this is not a waste of my life. . .but the real waste (i can only see this every now and then), is to NOT heal. If I don't get help right now and continue to seek healing. . .where will I be in 5 years? 10 years? How will I be able to parent my teenagers if I am still struggling because I have stuffed for so many years.
I think I read that you posted that you are in therapy. What other things do you do to bring about healing? Sometimes I wonder what to do? It's like I want to heal, I need to heal. . .but I don't know what to do? Somedays feel like I've moved mountains. Some weeks feel like I'm stuck in the La Brea Tarpits!
What have you (or anyone else who's reading) found to be helpful?
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Lorus
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Posted: Mon Sep 24th, 2007 04:08 am |
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For me it was write, write, write. I hated the constant thoughts so I wrote them away. When my head was full the writing seemed to help empty it a little. I've learned to look at my healing and life as a road I will constantly be on. Sometimes I'll hit a big bump, sometimes a small one. The important thing is to stay on that road and learn to deal with what comes along in what ever way I can. I am one of those people too who sometimes wishes I never started all this healing. But I remember when I lived with only dark negative feelings. Now I have lighter positive feelings with a future I know is possible. It's a good feeling to know when the sad times hit, it's just a matter of time before I somehow work it out. There are things I still haven't worked out, I try to put those on the side and go back when I'm ready. It does get better, at some point we'll all look back and shake our heads and wonder how we made it through. One thing I know I can never do is feel alone. I have met so many women and see so much support for us, and this is something I never had in those dark times.
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Letty
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Posted: Mon Sep 24th, 2007 06:06 am |
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Thanks Lorus for your words of encouragement and experience.
LOL, Andrea
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oceanbreeze
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Posted: Sat Oct 20th, 2007 04:46 am |
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| I'm new to this group, but I feel I had to talk to someone who understands. I'm 39 years old, married and have to kids. I just finished watching that movie Georgia Rules. I had no idea what it was about. It is about three women. The grandmother, mother, and daughter (17). Long story short, the daughter was molested by her step-father and her mother didn't believe her at first. Then, she did believe her. Then she didn't believe her. Then finally she did believe her at the end and the movie ended where the mother lovingly hugged her daughter. I was in tears. My mother didn't believe me when I told her. To this day, I'm not sure she believes me. I've dealt with the feelings about my father, but I guess I haven't dealt with the fealings of betrayal from my mother. Just when you think you're ok and years of therapy have gone by; it comes back. It all comes back. I hate that it happened. I wished it never happened. I wish my mom believed me.
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scw4survivors
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Posted: Sat Oct 20th, 2007 08:59 pm |
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I wish your mom believed you, too. I am sorry she doesn't. I believe you.
Susan
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Mending Soul
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Posted: Sat Oct 20th, 2007 09:15 pm |
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I am so sorry your mother didn't believe you...my mom didn't believe me either...but a couple years before she died...she did try to get my father in trouble with the police for his continued molestation of neighbor children....and she did expose his sickness to other members of the family by telling them of his sick child-porn...so now everyone in the familly knows what's wrong with my dad...and not only me and my younger sister....so even though my mom never had the courage to face me....my father had beaten her down so badly with abuse over the years...she was so completely dependent on him...she did reach out before she died...so I know she thought about what I told her...my father set up a 'wife' type relationship with me when I was a child...so my mom never was able to 'love' me correctly because he kept doing things to make her jealous and envious and hurt....and because she never got help...she wasn't able to work through her own self-hate to reach me...but I have to believe that her reaching out before her death was the only way she knew to validate me...the police didn't listen to her...nor did they listen to me and 2 of my sisters a couple years later...they told us that unless the 'children' complained...they were powerless to do anything...bull...they didn't want to do anything...Anyway...
I believe you....and I am so sorry for your pain.
Last edited on Sat Oct 20th, 2007 09:17 pm by Mending Soul
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oceanbreeze
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Posted: Sun Oct 21st, 2007 03:42 am |
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| Thank you for your reply. You know the thing is, is that my dad never abused my mom or my sisters or brother. He's been a picture perfect dad on the outside. Always nice, helpful, understanding. He never drank, hit, or yelled. I think that's why my mom had such a hard time believing it. She had it made. He provided for the family and was otherwise good to her. He denied it when I first told everyone, but later on he wrote me a letter and told me how sorry he was. I've forgiven him. But I can't say I've forgiven my mother and she didn't even abuse me physically. It's hard to be rejected by your mom. I know you understand. For the past 23 years, it's all been pushed in the closet like it never happened. I hope that before my mom dies, she can tell me she believed me. I don't ever want to bring it up again. I hate bringing it up. It makes me sick inside and I don't want to think about it anymore. Again, thank you for listening and understanding. By the way, my name is Laurie.
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Mending Soul
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Posted: Sun Oct 21st, 2007 04:27 am |
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Laurie,
My name is Cathie...and I feel like you...I hate to bring anything up in my family...not only because it makes me so sick...but because there is so much denial and dysfunction...my father was the provider...and outside of the secret abuse...that only the family saw...he was the neighborhood 'daddy of the year'...that's how he got his other victims...it's so sad...and so very sick...
I was raised Catholic...and because of the abuse and many other abuses during my life...I left the church for years searching for a church home...or somewhere to belong...eventually...through the prayer and help of others...and some miracles...I was able to return to the church...the Catholic Church...the only reason I mention this is because it's only been through the development of my faith in a Greater being that I've been able to find any peace...I still struggle daily with the emotional, psychological, spiritual and physical damage...I still cry almost every day...but just knowing that my Creator cries with me and loves me in spite of everything comforts me...
I know the pain of being the 'odd' one out in the family....I've always been the sibling who everyone wanted to 'fix' or 'help' them...but when I've needed help...my family hasn't been there...except with rejection or abandonment...except for one sister...my older sister...who has been a soul-mate and my best friend for the past few years...and I know that our relationship only grew...because she finally reached out for help too...but she lives in another state now...and has become a nun...so our contact is very limited...so I miss her terribly...and so...now I'm the 'odd' one out in the family again...
I know my father is not going to be around much longer...he's developed Alzheimers...and every month...he remembers less...so I've been debating on writing him a letter about what his abuse did to me and my sisters...I don't expect a response...and I doubt I will share it with anyone except my older sister...but I feel as though I have to give him a chance to get 'right' with God before he dies...even if he doesn't get 'right' with his daughters or his other victims...I love him and I hate him...but I care more about his soul...than my own feelings...I don't know if you can understand that...I don't know if anyone can...I just don't want to be stuck with all the hate and pain after he dies...I'ld like to tell him, not only for his soul...but for mine...
Anyway...any time you want to talk...if you don't want to talk on this forum...let me know and we'll figure out a way to contact one another...
Take care...love yourself...because in spite of what happened to you...you are beautiful...the reason you hurt so...is because you love so...if you didn't love...you wouldn't hurt...
Even if your mom never tells you she believes you...what matters most...is that you know the truth...and we believe you...I know that can't heal the hurt in your heart...or the feelings of rejection and abandonment...
I'll close with letting you know at least there is one person out here that knows your pain...the pain of not being protected and sheltered and kept safe and loved completely by their mother...and the pain of a shattered soul...but know that there is healing for you...if you search for it...you will find it...
Cathie
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oceanbreeze
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Posted: Sun Oct 21st, 2007 06:59 am |
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Dear Cathie,
I too was raised Catholic and left for a while searching for something. But God brought me back to the Catholic church as well. He has also surrounded me with wonderful people in my life. I'm so happy that I am back home at my church and I'm happy that you went home too. I can relate to so many things you said. I'm so glad I found this forum and you. The only way I've been able to find peace is because of my faith. I owe it all to the Lord.
I feel like I'm the odd one out in my family too. My sisters know about the abuse, but my brother does not. He we really young when it all came out. He's 27 now, and I'm waiting to tell him. I feel the Lord will let me know when the time is right.
I'm sorry about the limited contact with your sister. I know how hard it is to find someone to talk to. I don't usually talk to my sisters about it. My husband is the only one I can talk to. And sometimes I don't want to talk to him because as much as he really tries to understand, he doesn't. He's never been where I've been.
I don't know if your dad would understand what he did to you whether he has Alzheimers or not. Really, as sick as they are, I don't think they get it. They may believe they hurt us, but I don't think they really know how deeply they hurt us and how it has affects us every day of our lives. I understand about your concern for your dad to get right with God, but I believe that your prayers for him to ask for forgiveness from the Lord might be more powerful than the letter. I understand about the love him - hate him thing, 100%. You don't even have to explain that, I totally understand. Have you forgiven him? Have you told him you love him? Maybe that's what you really need to do before he dies. If he can see that you forgive him and still love him, maybe he'll understand or feel God's presence. Do you know what I mean?
Not until a few years ago, was I able to tell my dad I loved him. It was so difficult. I prayed and prayed about it and asked God to give me the strength. I can forgive, but the forgetting is the hard part.
Thank you for your kind words Cathie. I know I will have to deal with my mom about this someday and I hope I can truly forgive her too. I love her and want to. But deep down, I still feel like my mom emotionally deserted me. I try not to think about it. You know.
Yes, I would like to find a way to talk to you other than this forum. Maybe through our regular email or on AIM. Let me know what you think.
Laurie
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oceanbreeze
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Posted: Sun Oct 21st, 2007 07:01 am |
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Thank you Susan. And thank you for providing this resource for us. You are a blessing.
Laurie
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