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dani
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| Joined: | Tue Jun 12th, 2007 |
| Location: | California USA |
| Posts: | 27 |
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Posted: Tue Sep 4th, 2007 05:04 pm |
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| Hey i haven't posted for awhile. After my first couple of posts i felt so ashamed that i said anything at all about being abused. i feel i should have continued to not say anything. i can't seem to get over this feeling. i have my second therapy appointment but i am still so afraid and ashamed of saying what i allowed to happen out loud. i have talked about everything with only one person but it is safe because it is online or the phone. The last few days have been really hard i have been struggleing not to harm myself. It got to the point that ih had to let someone close to me know a little of what has been going on. And this make me feel so much more ashamed because i can't control the feelings any more. Well thanx for anyone that read me venting
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Lorus
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| Joined: | Sun Jun 10th, 2007 |
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Posted: Wed Sep 5th, 2007 03:20 am |
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Hi Dani, I know what you mean by being ashamed and not wanting to say anything. As time, therapy and healing goes on, I learn that I have nothing to be ashamed of. I was made to do these things, they're not my fault. I was a child looking for love as any child would, and shown it in a wrong, horrible way. This path was worn in my head for a long, long time. Now I make new paths and set the record straight. I keep repeating these words when ever I need to remind myself about the truth. I hope you don't harm yourself, you're worth too much. I also know when those feelings get out of control I can post them here where a growing group of women understand and won't judge me.
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~carmen~
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Posted: Wed Sep 5th, 2007 07:14 am |
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| Hey Dani! I more than understand what you're going through. I always want to share about my experiences, but I feel ashamed at doing so. I have told a few people, but I feel like I shouldn't have. But then I know that it was, in the end, a good idea because I can't keep things to myself forever. Either way, I hope you know that there's nothing to be ashamed of! You and I, and everyone else here have been through similar situations, and I'm sure we're all here to support each other, so go ahead and write away! =)
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carie
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Posted: Wed Sep 5th, 2007 11:00 am |
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Hi dani
I know how you feel as i progress in my healngI am still very ashamed to tell even my councelor the things they did to me. She tells me that there is nothing to be ashamed of because it is not my fault and it was not your fault either.
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dani
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| Joined: | Tue Jun 12th, 2007 |
| Location: | California USA |
| Posts: | 27 |
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Posted: Wed Sep 5th, 2007 04:36 pm |
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| thank you all for takeing time to respond. as i am still struggleing to begin this journey the right way i still feel that there had to be something that i did to casue the people to use me the way they did.
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babysister
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Posted: Wed Sep 5th, 2007 05:13 pm |
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Hey Dani!
i can't tell you how many times i have said and felt the exact same way. "what i let them do to me," "how i allowed people to use me"
something about saying it out loud makes it so real, doesn't it? and if it's real, then you have to face it. you feel so dirty and you spend all day every day wanting out of your own skin. i know for me, blaming myself for "allowing it to happen" was an easier solution than figuring out how someone i was supposed to be able to trust - someone who was supposed to love and protect me - could do all those things to me. i had no explanation for how love could get so backwards. i didn't want to rock the boat with everyone, so i did everything i could to protect him. but i was just a little girl. i wanted to make everything ok. i didn't feel like i had options. i didn't know how to say no. and i shouldn't have to defend that. neither should you.
there's something i want us all to remember. we have to forgive the little girl we once were. as an adult, we can look back and realize all the options and shoulda, woulda, coulda scenarios. it's easy to look back and say that we let it happen. BUT WE DIDN'T. in different ways, we were all taken advantage of. someone who was supposed to exemplify love took that notion, twisted it, warped it, and used it against us. how many of us didn't tell because we loved that person? how many of us were TOLD that it was an expression of how they "loved" us? it's time we all take a stand. if anyone should be ashamed, it should be THEM.
you should be proud of yourself. there is no shame in taking control of your life. there is no shame in going through something too horrible to describe and coming out the other side. we've already experienced the worst part. we've been through it. we lived it. after that, is there anything that can happen to us that will break us? if that didn't, nothing can! you can do this! you can hold your head up high because deep in your heart, you will learn to believe that you're worth so much more than where you've been. it's hard. it's the hardest thing i've ever had to do (besides living it), but i promise you, it's worth every second!! hang in there!
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carie
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Posted: Wed Sep 5th, 2007 09:14 pm |
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| you are right they should be the ones that are ashamed and the ones who were'nt there to protect us from it should be really ashamed. I take two or three showers a day sometimes because i feel dirty. I was always told that if i said anything i'm the one who would be in trouble. My sterp- dad and uncle would always tell me "you like it you know" i hated it. I am ashamed thayt the first time I felt pleasure was with my step-father.
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dani
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| Joined: | Tue Jun 12th, 2007 |
| Location: | California USA |
| Posts: | 27 |
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Posted: Thu Sep 6th, 2007 12:59 am |
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| i feel opposite of most maybe if i kept it all in then i could have still believed that it didn't happen. But because i let it out, it hurts so much more. And i can't ignore the pain it causes or numb myself to it anymore. And i am ashamed by this that i have let the emotions loose and don't know how to control them. i have know ideal what to do with them or if they are even normal anymore.
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scw4survivors
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| Joined: | Wed May 30th, 2007 |
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Posted: Thu Sep 6th, 2007 01:51 am |
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Dani,
I completely understand the desire to stuff it all back down ... ignorance seemed a lot better than all the yucky stuff that comes out.
For me, the struggles have been worth it. I have seen what it can feel like to believe in yourself and to understand that I didn't do anything wrong.
It's certainly not all rosy and cheery ... bad days still come ... but there are more (many more sometimes) good days than bad ... and the bad days aren't as bad because I've learned to ask my therapist and my husband for help.
Hang in there ...
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carie
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Posted: Thu Sep 6th, 2007 01:53 am |
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| I know the pain it happened for 31 years before i told nany one and now it all want to come out at once. I even attempted suicide 3 times since i strarted writting andtalking.
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dani
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| Joined: | Tue Jun 12th, 2007 |
| Location: | California USA |
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Posted: Thu Sep 6th, 2007 02:15 am |
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| I certainly understand the suicide attempts. i have been there and am still contemplateing doing it. i feel i would be so much better off this way. And everyone around me would be better off.
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scw4survivors
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Posted: Thu Sep 6th, 2007 02:41 am |
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Please don't hurt yourself. There can be better days ahead.
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carie
Member
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Posted: Thu Sep 6th, 2007 02:50 am |
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| I have realized that it doesn't solve any thing because if u don't succeed its all still there and if you do you hurt the people who do care abou you. Please don't hurt yourself.
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dani
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| Joined: | Tue Jun 12th, 2007 |
| Location: | California USA |
| Posts: | 27 |
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Posted: Thu Sep 6th, 2007 02:54 am |
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| i am trying not to but there are days that i ask myself why am i fighting so hard to stay alive? if no one cared about what was happening when it all started, who is going to care when i go? For the most part i know this is not a logical thought but it is all so hard and i am tired of fighting some days.
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carie
Member
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Posted: Thu Sep 6th, 2007 03:02 am |
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| I get tired to and i still have to deal with my step father because my mom doesn't believe me ad won't leave him. The night mares are so real sometime I can feel it or taste it and wake up throwing up. I survived 31 years of pain and being treated like a sex object and I have desided I'm going to keep fighting there s going to be a lot of pain and feelings of worthlessness but the onlyway to get though it is to go through it thats what my councelr tells me so please give it more time it will get better I have learned that.
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