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dani
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| Joined: | Tue Jun 12th, 2007 |
| Location: | California USA |
| Posts: | 27 |
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Posted: Wed Jun 13th, 2007 06:11 pm |
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| today is one of those tough days. i hate myself for not being able to handle this on my own and for opening up about everything. i hate that i can't push the memories away. i hate that i feel this way. i hate that i can't ask for the help that i need. and i hate myself for pushing away the one person that i can talk about all this to. i also hate that it is such a struggle for me to even want to continue on this road.
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scw4survivors
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| Joined: | Wed May 30th, 2007 |
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Posted: Wed Jun 13th, 2007 07:54 pm |
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Dani,
Please be gentle with yourself. Be proud of yourself for coming to this board and telling us. Be proud of yourself for surviving your abuse. It's okay to be frustrated; I know I get frustrated from time to time. When that happens, my therapist asks me what I'm going to do to take care of myself ...
Susan
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Letty
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| Joined: | Sun Aug 26th, 2007 |
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Posted: Mon Aug 27th, 2007 04:13 am |
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Dani-
I feel that 'hate' all to often too. I like Susan's reply. . .take care of yourself, be gentle to yourself. We have already been through enough hate and abuse. . .Keep writing, and coming back. I just found this website tonight, and after reading and posting a few replies, I feel so much better. I even felt better reading your post, becuase that is what I was struggling with today, but I don't have to stay there anymore. . .now that I recognize where I was today!
Thanks and LOL of your recovery.
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Mending Soul
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| Joined: | Sun Oct 14th, 2007 |
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Posted: Sun Oct 21st, 2007 04:47 am |
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Dani,
I feel hate too...for myself...for my mistakes...for those who hurt me...but I've learned that 'hate' is a 'secondary' emotion...in comes from very deep pain, betrayal, abandonment, fear, terror, powerlessness, helplessness, hopelessness, brokenness, sorrow, sadness, etc...as others have said...be gentle with yourself...treat yourself the way you would treat someone you love...be kind, be understanding, be compassionate, be loving to you...because under the hate is so much hurt...and for me, even confusion...because I believed the lies...that it was my fault...that I was 'defective'...that the abuse occurred because I was so 'wrong' as a person...and as a result...I self-destructed for years....got into behaviors and lifestyles that only increased my pain...and my self-hate...
I am learning that the hate I harbor in my heart can be used 2 ways...to hurt me...or to help me...the hate I harbor in my heart...if I leave it there...it harms me...it destroys my peace of mind...it causes my ulcers and other health issues...it poisons my thoughts and my dreams and my reactions and my decisions...If I face it and express it to others...if I face the pain under it and share it in spite of how frightened and embarassed and ashamed I am...I go through the pain...and come out on the other side...it isn't easy...and every day I need help to do it...but the hate and anger can also be used as energy...to push through my pain...to push through my many problems in living...and maybe some day... to help others who hurt like me...
I didn't want to 'belong' to the club of being an abuse survivor...but I am...and so are you...you survived...that's the biggest thing...now the next biggest thing is we need to learn how to live...and we can only do it one day at a time...one tiny step at a time...you sharing your thoughts is one of those first steps...
Every risk is so terrifying...because of the feelings...that I've kept in for so very long...and because of the fear of what the other person will say...or think of me...if they will see me as 'defective'...but every time I risk...every time I go through some more pain...there is light at the end of the tunnel...it's when I isolate and go through the pain alone...that's when my darkness is the total dark nite of my soul...and when I reach out...and someone reaches back...that's when the light comes in.
My heart is with you...my hope is with you...be ever so gentle with yourself...
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