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trudy
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Posted: Wed Jun 27th, 2007 10:12 pm |
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teresa, oh belive me so have my momand i gotten into so many disagreements and it is so tring to try to get them to see your side of everything it just furates me to no end . so i gave up also
Last edited on Wed Jun 27th, 2007 10:17 pm by trudy
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Lorus
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Posted: Thu Jun 28th, 2007 04:49 am |
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| I told my mother and she swept it under the rug. She acts like nothing was said. I wanted her to finally, for once, be a mother to me and validate what I was saying to her, but she couldn't or wouldn't. I don't know which. I do know our need for a protector as a child was supposed to be our mothers. Most of us didn't get that. I feel so much pain from her not being there for me. But I also know that an abuser will do anything in their power to not get caught. I sometimes ask myself is this one of the reasons why my mother can't handle this. My father abused me and she didn't see it. Or did she, and I just brought out a deep dark secret she thought she was hiding. It was no use trying to find out the truth, once I caught her lying I knew I could never trust what she said even if she said she was sorry. I'll always have that pain from the space in my heart. But I'm trying to deal with it the best I can and move on. Last edited on Thu Jun 28th, 2007 04:54 am by Lorus
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TeresaJones
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Posted: Thu Jun 28th, 2007 03:32 pm |
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| Lorus, did you live my life? That is exactly how it was with my mother. That is why I made the decision to help my recovery she couldn't be part of my or my children's lives. I am doing a lot better with her not badgering me.
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trudy
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Posted: Thu Jun 28th, 2007 05:59 pm |
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ntlorus that is the same thing my mom did but she says she doesnot remember me telling her back when i was 9 she said her life must have been to upside down . i said how can you not remember somthing like this i dont think so. cause my daughters just told me and there is not a day that goes by i dont think of their pain . but my cousler told me she was tring to hide her abuse by not addressing mine but i dont get that cuz she wont say anything about my daughters abuse either .i just cant get a n under standing on this.cuz i felt so helpless when my daughters finally told me about their abuse all i could do is talk to them and cry with them and tell them how bad i feel for them how sorry iam that i didnt see it . when they were 8 i asked if somthing was wrong but they were too afraid to tell because my brother inlaw threaten to kill all of us if they told and of course at that age they belived it. i hate my sister that is married to him cuz she had to seen somthing was wrong she always was asking me if they could stay at her house cuz she didnt have any daughters so i felt sorry for her and let them and then she ended up going to work the next day and they were left in his hands alone with his boys and that is how it happened. i will never talk to her again she left him for1week and she said she hnad to go back cuz that was her home what a sick person . i guess from what my mom said he was saying he was going to kill himself but this is gonna soud mean but i dont care i wish he wouldve. im sorry.he was also sexually abusing his own boys and phisically abusive also too my sister and her boys and she goes back there is somthing wrong with her. she needs help.i told her she can go with me to counsiling but she wouldnt.my other sister is also got problems cuz my father did somthing to her she wont talk about so im wondering if he did somthing to both my sisters . this is one big messed up familyi know .im just glad im not excepting it like them. and it hurts to not be close to my mom and my other sister but i cant do it . they keep calling me and dont answer . is that bad of me ?
Last edited on Thu Jun 28th, 2007 10:19 pm by trudy
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TeresaJones
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Posted: Fri Jun 29th, 2007 12:40 am |
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| Trudy no that is not bad of you I'm going through the same thing with my family I stopped talking to my sister, brother and my mother, I even stopped talking to my friend who now has a baby with my brother. I had to change my cell phone number three times and change my e-mail address for them to realize I wasn't kidding
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Lorus
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Posted: Fri Jun 29th, 2007 03:35 pm |
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No it isn't bad of you, being abused and raped is bad. There are so many things that have to be dealt with as we go through coping, and trying to heal. Who wants to argue and fight with people, no matter who they are, about issues they won't seek help for. My mother knows deep down why I don't visit as I did before. I would hope someday after we go through our healing, those in our families who need help might see us and seek help.
As for living each others lives. When you think about it, this is how we help each other. Our lives are connected by some of our experiences, but our different outcomes are what helps each of us. We have different ways to deal with the same issues and the more answers we see the more options we have.
I met a women who wanted everyone with a penis to die. I asked her what should be done about her son. She said she was so angry she couldn't think straight anymore. I said I know how she feels and I told what my therapist told me, "we try to figure things out that just can't be figured out, so our minds come up with goofy stuff like this".
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trudy
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Posted: Fri Jun 29th, 2007 09:59 pm |
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teresa i guess thats what im going to have to do change my number. cuz they think im just being dum thats what they keep saying on my anwering machine and boy that makes me so mad i could smack them. they dont get it at all,and i had to start taking anti depressant pills to keep me calm. so its no laughing matter . my sister had enough nerve to tell me arent you ever going to get over this . i said no never she said well its over for me im not talking about it no more. i said well it will never be over for us sorry. and the thing i dont get is our dad did somthing to her and she says it was nothing no big deal ,i dont think so. she has a mager weight problem and she had it since she was achild and thats when my dad touched her and she will not talk about it at all.she told me once about it and she said he didnt mean it he was drunk i said that is abunch of garbage as far as im concerned no way does anyone get that drunk .not to know if that is their daughter they are touching i dont think so.but that is my moms falt also she taught her to except everything . but my grandma taught me just the opposite not to put up with anyones garbageand thank god for that cuz i may be in an abusive relationship just like my other sister. this is so sad cuz my grandma lives with my mom now cuz she very old92 and she cant live alone so i cant go see her cuz i dont want to see my parents. so it very hard for me i keep thinking about her if she dies and i cant see her before she goes i dont know what to do .
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trudy
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Posted: Fri Jun 29th, 2007 10:02 pm |
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lorus that made me laugh im sorry but that is how it does make you feel about men doesnt it.but we all know that s not possible.ha.ha.ha.
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Lorus
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Posted: Sat Jun 30th, 2007 01:36 am |
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Hang in there Trudy, remember your in charge. You don't have to do or listen to anything you don't want to. You don't have to be abused by anyone. You may even have to tell your family over and over what your ground rules are. Who knows maybe you'll get them together enough to visit your grandmother. I still visit my mother from time to time and I guess you could say I sort of use it as practice. I'm learning to control my anger and be calm around them. I started seeing how closed minded they are. They're set so deep in their lifeless ways. I can't live like that but I do feel sorry for them. They're like the walking dead.
One of those goofy things peoples minds create are phrases like "get over it", or "are you going to get over it"? Maybe they say them because they can't cope. Unfortunate for them, coping and doing what your doing will get all this out of your system, and according to a what I've read, when you do this, you start on a better path to physical health as well as mental health. If anyone asks are you ever going to get over this? Say yes someday I will get over it, and I'll be in a much better place than you.
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trudy
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Posted: Sat Jun 30th, 2007 04:29 am |
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you know lorus thatis so good to hear . and that is what my daughters and i are working towards being in a better place and we cant wait to get there. and i hope all of us get there .thats my wish for everyonein this messed up life.thanks for thatup lift.
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trudy
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Posted: Fri Jul 6th, 2007 12:00 am |
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teresajones do you have days that all you can do is try and figure out how you can get your moms sympathy and remorse for what happened to you ? today was one of those days andi hate them days . my poor husband dont know what to do to help me .he just keeps tring to talk to me witch im thankful for but im afraid hes gonna get sick of dealing with it.i just dont know how to get myself out of itsomedays.
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Lorus
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Posted: Fri Jul 6th, 2007 02:07 am |
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| Could it be that you want a little mothering, someone to tell you they understand, someone to tell you everything will be all right, someone to hold you while you hear these things? It's funny how I do the things for my daughers that I never got from my own mother. When I want a hug, I'll ask for one, it's not mothering but if the hug comes from someone who cares it fills part of that space.
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trudy
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Posted: Fri Jul 6th, 2007 03:46 am |
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lorus maybe thats it
. i need alittle mothering .but i dont know where to get it.thats what i do to my daughters when they are visiting me .
Last edited on Fri Jul 6th, 2007 03:48 am by trudy
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adrienne
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Posted: Fri Jul 6th, 2007 04:50 am |
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I miss the mothering a lot. I never had it, and a lot of days now my heart aches with the need to be held and comforted. I don't have anyone in my life who can help fill that space. Especially at night, I want so badly to have someone just put their arms around me and rock me. Sometimes needing it makes me just want to cry. But I don't cry - I haven't really cried in years. Maybe I'm waiting until I find someone I can look to for comfort before I can give in to emotion. I don't know.
I noticed a pattern recently in my life where I have always been searching for that person who could be my mom. So far I haven't found it. The thing is that now I'm grown. I am independent and have been for years. I don't need anyone to take care of me. I just need someone to hold me and tell me that I am safe. That I am good enough. And to hold me until I can feel that they mean it. I need to feel that kind of acceptance and comfort. At the same time that I need it, though, I don't know where or how to find it, or how to deal with it if I did find it. I have never experienced any kind of healthy, spontaneous sharing of affection. Nearly all of my experience with touch in my life has been through some form of abuse, so I don't know how to touch or be touched in a way that is healthy and appropriate. I jump or flinch if someone makes a move to touch me (even in an appropriate, non-sexual way), so that both I and the other person end up feeling awkward and embarrassed. People don't generally attempt physical contact with me more than once. I have stopped flinching when my therapist pats me on the arm or back as I am leaving. I also shared some of my history with my best friend of 5 years, so that even if I jump or flinch if she unexpectedly moves into my space, it is no longer awkward. I am also getting more comfortable hugging my sister. So, I am slowly making progress in that area, but not enough to be able to deal with the kind of physical comfort that I have been craving.
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Lorus
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Posted: Fri Jul 6th, 2007 05:23 am |
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| I know what you mean Adrienne, getting a divorce just before I opened up about being abused was one of the things that left me in this state of needing that mothering attention. Meeting other survivors helps but it's more like sister attention, not mothering. It's like we understand each other like twins or something, but maybe our therapists don't, so we have to try to explain to them like wer're children. I can speak with an adult voice but it's the little girl who's doing the talking.
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