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scw4survivors
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Posted: Wed Jun 20th, 2007 12:47 pm |
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Adrienne ...
Another post that I could have written ... where does self-care end and selfishness begin? I have not figured that one out; I think we have to ask for help (I know ...) in figuring that out. If our family and friends don't think we're being selfish, then we're probably not being selfish.
Wouldn't it be nice if there was a 1-800 number we could call for guidance?
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Lorus
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Posted: Wed Jun 20th, 2007 11:30 pm |
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| When I think of how I held everything in as I was being abused, I didn't think of myself, I was made to fear what could happen to others. My father going to jail, my mother being heartbroken, the rest of my siblings having to suffer. I thought about everyone else for a very long time. Now that I'm trying to heal, I think of myself. If I have to take a few weeks, months or years to think of only me, then that's what I'll do. As I go along in my healing, I'll let someone in who I know I can trust. Someone who makes me feel good, alive and validates me.
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TeresaJones
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Posted: Sat Jun 23rd, 2007 02:40 pm |
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I don't know how many times my mother made me feel guilty about what my step father did. I'm 26 now I first told her when I was 19 she took me to the police, but nothing ever happened. When I first told her, he wasn't living with us they were separated and about six months after I told her she decided to take him back I still don't know why but she did. Then I told her again last January and we got into a huge fight because she said that the cops thought it was teenage fantasy so they did nothing when I was 19. She said that I was lying and that my now husband was the one that raped me(which isn't true). Then she said that the only reason I was okay with Josh(my husband) raping me was because he told me that he loved me. A nd if her husband told me he loved me I would be fine with it. She didn't want to believe or didn't care that her husband did this so she put the blame on someone that actually loved me.
I don't even talk to her anymore, but sometimes I still hear her vice saying that its not true.
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Lorus
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Posted: Sun Jun 24th, 2007 06:15 am |
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Teresa
I'm sorry things turned out this way with your mother. I'm glad to hear your on your own and not dependent on your mother. She'll find out the truth about her husband and she'll find out the difference between abuse and love. As far as I concerned, I'd rather leave the unbelieving, close minded people to themselves. I would rather move on with life and live.
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TeresaJones
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Posted: Sun Jun 24th, 2007 01:44 pm |
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| Thank you for the vote of confidence I really appreciate it.
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trudy
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Posted: Wed Jun 27th, 2007 12:32 am |
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i wish i could come up with a pill we could all take to make us all feel better . and a cure for all this sickness to end right here . i hope and pray god will put an end to this someday he has the power to do it.and i believe he will .i have to im tring to be so strong for both my daugters .i keep reminding them it was not their fault it was the offenders fault. both my daughters feel guilty cuz they waited so long before telling us but they were afraid and itell them i understand cuz i was i there shoes also. should i say anything more to make them see that i under stand?i want to take there pain away so badly it kills me insde i have days that i cant think of anything but them being abused it scares me to death.i pray for recovery from this whole sick nitemare.can anyone relate to me trudy
Last edited on Wed Jun 27th, 2007 10:04 pm by trudy
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Lorus
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Posted: Wed Jun 27th, 2007 02:11 am |
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I have daughers also. I can't imagine having to do what your doing without strength and God at my side. You have your own experiences to guide you in helping them. It sounds like your doing a lot already. even bearing a lot of pain knowing this happened to them. Keep telling them all the things you wanted to hear during your journey. Keep reminding them of the things that gave you strength. Tell them the things you used to survive, and go through them together.
God and everyone in this forum will be with you.
Last edited on Wed Jun 27th, 2007 02:13 am by Lorus
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stephanie
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Posted: Wed Jun 27th, 2007 02:59 pm |
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Trudy,
I am so sorry about you and your daughters. I have 3 girls, and don't think I could handle it if I found out something had happened to them. ( I'm only just now learning to deal with my stuff.)
You wrote: "both my daughters feel guilty cuz they waited so long before telling us but they were afraid and itell them i understand cuz i was i there shoes also. should i say anything more to make them see that i under stand?" I would like to encourage you to continue to talk to them, remind them that you do understand and especially that you understand and do NOT blame them for not saying anything sooner.
I say that from the perspective of a daughter, who, when I finally told my Mother what Dad did, said how she wished I'd "said something 10 years earlier and then she would have divorced him. " My mother did believe me, and supported me, but those words have stayed with me,and the guilt of why couldn't I have been stronger to have told her sooner. Then, she would have had a happier life. My dad died 6 months after it all came out, and then Mom died a year later. Now, I don't have the chance to talk with my mom about how it all effected me and how afraid I was to say anything, or thought since it was "over and done with" once I went off to college, there was no need to say anything. But all my pretending that all was OK, when they visited means I lost out on time to really get to know my mother.
Trudy, I would say to continue to talk with your daughters. I know I still bring up that guilt issue with my therapist every now and then. I realize now, it is still there even as I write, and I told my mom 4 years ago about abuse that was 30 some years ago. Why couldn't I have said something earlier? Maybe then, he wouldn't have gotten away "scott free".
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adrienne
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Posted: Wed Jun 27th, 2007 05:26 pm |
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I think we tell when it feels safe enough to tell. In the same fashion that we remember when we feel safe enough and strong enough to remember. Whenever I get frustrated or angry with myself for how I am dealing with all of this stuff, I try to remind myself that I didn't do this. Someone else created this mess and I am only trying to clean it up. I am doing the best I can. I am facing it and working through it.
I really like one of Susan's ideas about self-care - being gentle with ourselves. I've heard that idea expressed before but not using the word "gentle." I can't explain it, but for some reason that word got through the self-hatred and frustration when the others couldn't. That idea of being gentle with myself has helped me change some of my unhealthy thoughts - especially when I am being hard on myself.
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trudy
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Posted: Wed Jun 27th, 2007 07:28 pm |
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stephanie, thank you for your concern and caring and i will keep telling my daughters i dont blame them for not telling sooner . i dont blame them for any of this mess.i dont understand how any mom could blame their child for any of this .a child does not no any better and you keep telling yourself that cuz it was not your fault at all. you need to know that ok .you were a victim and to scared of what the out come would be and no knows this feeling unless they are a victim of abuse .everyone needs to open their eyes to this sickness and understand that it happens and to be more aware of the signs and ask their childern questions and tell them that no should ever touch them in their private parts ever no matter what. they need to get this message out to childern more in school in church every where so this sickness will stop.i am so worried when i have grandchildern im going to be so overly protective . i was with my childern but i guess not enough i wasnt educated enough on how to look for the signs .i just was over protective and they thought iwas being mean and didnt want them to have fun they told me. they wished i was more open with why i was so afraid of them staying at peoples houses because of what i went through my sexual abuse from my cousin made me afraid of everyone that they became friends with.but never thought about my sisters husband how messed up.right.
Last edited on Wed Jun 27th, 2007 09:54 pm by trudy
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trudy
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Posted: Wed Jun 27th, 2007 07:53 pm |
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thankyou lorus i hope iam doing everything i can to help my daughters im tring to give them everything i didnt get from my mother,she never did anything she wouldnt even talk to me about it. i just found out 6mths ago my daughters were abused. and i cant do enough for them because iwas in there shoes . and i just found out my mom was abused also my her step dad so how could she not help- me her own daughter ,to get through this awful mess that iwas put in . i cant make any sence of all this .so you are rite without god by my side i dont know what would be come of me . hes all i had as achild going threw this . i always felt that i was dirty and disgusting as a chid becuz of what happen to me. butnow with the help of god and my daughters all of us together is ablessing from god.but my mom and sisters stiill are not there for us. so we dont have much to do with them . my daughters wont talk to my one sister at all that keeps going to the sisters house whos husband and son abused my daughters. i talk once i n a blue moon to her but i dont know if i should cuz it might upset my daughters . so im not going to talk to her any more.until they say its ok .do you think thats rite of me?cuz it does upset me to know she still talks to mysisterwhos married to the offender it really doeshurt to know . she says she dont talk to the offenders .but it makes us sick she can even be around them.thank you again for listening . trudy ,may god be with you .
Last edited on Wed Jun 27th, 2007 09:58 pm by trudy
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trudy
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Posted: Wed Jun 27th, 2007 08:20 pm |
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teresa i feel so bad for you i cant understand how some mothers are just not connected to their children. when i foundout about my daughter s all i wanted to do is hold them so close and never let them go and kept telling them i was so sorry i wished i could stopped it from happening to them in the worst way you could imagine.i wish i could huge you and make you feel aliittle comfort. all i can say is do not let it get you down cuz there are people rite here that care and feel your pain and wish we can make it go away . but we can get threw it with all gods love and our husband and childerns love and strenght one day at a time thats what i say all the time.teresa i wish i could take and change everyone s way of seeing what goes on in these cases so they can see it through the victims eyes . i wish i could let them feel the pain we felt just for minute so they would understand where we are rite now.god bless you teresa all my love trudy
Last edited on Wed Jun 27th, 2007 08:22 pm by trudy
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TeresaJones
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Posted: Wed Jun 27th, 2007 08:32 pm |
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| Thank you so much for saying that. It means so much to hear someone other then my husband and his family. The bad part about y mother treating me this way is that she was molested when she was younger.
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trudy
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Posted: Wed Jun 27th, 2007 09:50 pm |
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teresa you are more then welcome . i cant believe it my mom was also molestedwhen she was youger and she was not there for me either that is very weird . i was molested also and i am just the opposite of my mom i can t do enough to help my daughters . i just dont understand it . but i know how bad you feel aout your mom cuz i feel really bad about my mom not being there for me . and now my daughters would like her to be there for them and she is not she cant talk about it to us . she wants to act as if it never happened but thats not possible for any of us . isnt that ritefor you too?
Last edited on Wed Jun 27th, 2007 10:07 pm by trudy
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TeresaJones
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Posted: Wed Jun 27th, 2007 10:01 pm |
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| My mother has mentioned it but still doesn't want to see that her husband is the one who did this to me. I have gotten into so many arguements with her over him I finally gave up on trying to proove it to her.
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