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dani
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Posted: Wed Jun 13th, 2007 04:13 am |
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i guess since this journey towards healing for me has just started the one emotion that i have been dealing with since saying anything is guilt. Guilt about it all happening and major guilt for saying anything about what took place. i don't know if this ever gets any easier or becomes easier to deal with. i hope that it does because there are days i am phisicaly sick by this.
well thanks for letting me vent
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Lorus
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Posted: Wed Jun 13th, 2007 04:34 am |
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Hi Dani,
Vent all you want it'll make you feel better. What you have to say won't fall on deaf ears. They'll fall on understanding ears.
When you talk about guilt and how you feel, remember that you were a child who had things done to you by an adult. Things that you should never have seen until you were an adult. It took me a long time to let some of the guilt go when I did start to realize I was only a child.
It will get easier, just keep talking about it. Keeping this stuff in is poisonous.
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stephanie
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Posted: Wed Jun 13th, 2007 04:43 am |
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Guilt is my major emotion, too. In fact, I have just come back home from my group therapy where we were talking about last week, and one member was very talkative, and I told her that was great because I was not in a great mood last week. We were kinda joking around till I blurted out that I almost came late last week (which would be highly unlike me) because I wanted someone to worry about me, care enough to wonder if I was OK. Now, I feel so stupid about feeling like that, and really guilty for saying it out loud.
I still have guilt for telling my mother and family 4 years ago. I feel like I messed up their lives by telling them something that happend 25 plus years ago.
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dani
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Posted: Wed Jun 13th, 2007 04:51 am |
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| thank you Lorus and Stephanie. i am happy that i found somewhere that i could vent about what i am feeling and that everyone knows where i am comming from.
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Lorus
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Posted: Wed Jun 13th, 2007 05:19 am |
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Stephanie,
I can understand how you want someone to worry about you and see if your ok. I still feel like that sometimes. I kind of think of it as the child within who never had it and now that there are people out there who can give it, I want some. I did so many things when I was child to try to get someone's attention, just to let them know what was happening to me. But not even my mother saw what was happening. I was looked at as a problem child. Not as a child with a problem. I never spoke a word but my actions didn't get anyone's attention either.
I have to ask a question. There are a few books I have read that helped me. I was wonder if it was okay to mention them?
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dani
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Posted: Wed Jun 13th, 2007 05:54 am |
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| well i am relieved to know that i am not the only one that feels like this. and that feels guilty for feeling like this.
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Heather
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Posted: Wed Jun 13th, 2007 08:37 am |
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Stephanie, the times i thought about doing something to get sone kind of attention, i'm so glad you wrote that. I always felt like a stupid silly little girl when i had thoughts like that.
Lorus, just like you i tried everything, apart from telling, to let my mum know what was going on. I used to beg her not to leave me with my dad and she tell me not to be so stupid!, i followed her everywhere around the house. When she tucked me up in bed i'd make her tuck the blankets as tight as possible hoping my dad couldn't get to me. Everything i tried my mum didn't pick up on.
Dani, I think guilt is a big thing for all of us, i felt guilty for not stopping it, guilty for not telling and i think guilty for how my mum would feel if she ever found out
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stephanie
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Posted: Wed Jun 13th, 2007 01:47 pm |
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Yes, Lorus, I am open to any books. In fact, that is how I have found words to speak sometimes. I will read something and think "that's how I feel!" and will mark it . Then, I show it to my therapist which opens that hard door to talk about it.
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scw4survivors
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Posted: Wed Jun 13th, 2007 02:37 pm |
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I am so grateful to see everyone sharing. When I first started my healing, I felt like I was the only one ... even though I was participating in a group that consisted solely of women who had been sexually abused as children. I guess I thought that none of them had been as "bad" as I was ... if they knew the "real truth" about me, they'd be so disgusted.
The sad truth is that childhood sexual abuse and incest are NOT rare events ... it happens far too often. And, our abusers manage to put the shame, guilt, and responsibility on our shoulders.
When I started my website, my goal was to let at least one person know that there was somebody else out there ... I am so gratified that is happening.
Frankly, today is a rough day for me. I am having to come to grips with the fact that my mother still seems incapable of taking care of me. I've told her, and, while she believes me and feels bad for me, most of her response centers around her feelings. I guess that's natural, but it's hard to take. I wish she'd tell me she was sorry that she didn't have a clue and didn't provide an environment in which I felt safe enough to tell her what was happening.
Maybe that will come with time; maybe it will never come. In the meantime, I have a great husband, two great kids (one of whom has shared my book with one of her friends ... which let me know she is not ashamed of me!), terrific sisters, and a wonderful therapist ... and each of you.
As to mentioning books, please share. I want this to be a place where we can say what we need to say and share things that have helped us along the way ...
Blessings, Susan
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cathy
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Posted: Thu Jun 14th, 2007 12:23 am |
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I have been a member of this website for a couple of weeks now and I know I haven't done alot of 'sharing' but I do look at the website daily and am grateful that all of you have the courage to put it out there. Even you Dani! I do alot of writing but I never let anyone see it. I know how hard it is to share something so personal and because you all are able to it truly does give inspiration to some of us that it is not so easy for.
I have only been able to tell 4 people: my therapist, my husband, a great friend and my mom and then only my therapist knows any details and that was through a letter I wrote her. She, my husband and my friend are great but my mom......well she's another story. I am like you Susan, I wish she would show some sort of empathy towards me and not so much at herself. I am having a hard time understanding from one mother to another how she can be so nonchalant about all of this. I have also recently learned that she will be going to a family reunion next month and staying with one of my abusers while she is there. The fact that she knows what he did to me and is still able to go and act as if nothing happened is beyond me. I told my therapist that I didn't care and that I don't need her. But do I? After all she is my mother.
Maybe that will come with time.....but if it doesn't is that okay? And if it does is it ever too late?
The book that seems to help me alot is The Courage To Heal.
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dani
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Posted: Thu Jun 14th, 2007 04:20 am |
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| cathy i think we all go at our own pace. i can write about online but i have a major fear of saying anything out loud.
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Lorus
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Posted: Thu Jun 14th, 2007 04:24 am |
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Cathy I wouldn't worry too much about input, you can get so much just by listening, this is how I began. Then little by little words started coming out.
I can understand how you feel about your mothers reaction. I told my mother and she acted like we were having a normal conversation. She was never shocked by what I said. I told her a few things about how my father used people as scape goats and she almost fell on the floor. But not when I told her I was abused by my father! She kept trying to blame me by telling me I never told her, and she didn't know. At some point in the conversation I told her I was starting group therapy and her first words were "is there a group for me to get over this". She now acts as if nothing happened and it's life as usual for her. I still battle with the pain that this leave me in. It's not something that you can throw away and never see again. I hope for the best but expect the worst. Unfortunately one of the effects of abuse is always looking at the worst and expecting it.
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Heather
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Posted: Tue Jun 19th, 2007 03:23 pm |
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I told my therapist about this forum today which was a good thing! I told her that i know so many people have been abuse but it always felt like it was just me. Reading about people thoughts and feelings has helped me realise that i'm not alone, even though i feel like i am. She asked me if i had posted any messages and i told her that i had and i told her what i had wrote. It helped to tell her about the forum because it able me to start talking.
I'm not really sure what i'm trying to say, sorry if this reads a bit muddled but thats how my head feels today
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Lorus
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Posted: Wed Jun 20th, 2007 01:29 am |
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Heather
You're doing great, it isn't muddled, you're putting your feelings into words, through writing and voice. And best of all we hear you and understand no matter how it comes out. Just keep the words coming. And please always remember "You're never alone".
Last edited on Wed Jun 20th, 2007 01:33 am by Lorus
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adrienne
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Posted: Wed Jun 20th, 2007 05:29 am |
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I've been dealing with a lot of guilt over the past couple of weeks. I've been putting a lot of time and energy into trying to move forward in my healing. It feels very selfish. I haven't been spending much time interacting with others, especially my sister (who lives with me.) Even on here - everyone has been so supportive and I feel like I've gotten so much more support than I've given. Maybe this is stupid, I don't know.
I know that I have to invest the time in myself to deal with my issues, but where is the balance point between self-care and self-absorption?
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