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Breaking the shell
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Posted: Fri Jan 11th, 2008 03:42 pm |
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Hi there, I'm really hoping that someone can help me with the benefit of their experience or ideas.
After 3 years of therapy I started realizing that I had been abused by my father last May. When I told my husband, he was cool. Accepted it no problem. But that is where the story ends for him. I don't think it is because he is uncaring but because it is more comfortable not to think about it. Our communication is not helped by my feeling guilty at having deceived him all these years and my fear of losing him.
I know he wants to turn back the clock and is frightened by how long this is going to go on for. He is feeling rejected. I want so much to reassure him, but I don't know how. He wants support from me to help him deal with other problems in his life - this I can just about do, but he also wants me to help him cope with me, and that is too much. I find myself rationally trying to explain things so he can maybe understand, but instead of this information allowing me to then lean on him, the way it is done puts us in a reverse situation where I am the one in control and he is leaning on me. It is so frustrating and confusing - on top of everything else.
When he does see me upset his reaction is to advise me to stop seeing my psychiatrist, to question the wisdom of digging ever deeper or to tell me to get a job so I stop dwelling on it. I know all of these things would make me worse so I resist them but it makes me feel bad, that we are not on the same side. I just so wish I could get him to understand, to give some real thought to my situation.
As I said, he is not uncaring, but he is out of his depth and frightened. He was happy with the old me who pretended to be in control, to like sex, that's the woman he married. Now I've changed and he has to cope with that and he doesn't know when it is going to end. And I can't reassure him because I don't know.
Recently it has got worse. I have urged him to go to see someone (a therapist) to talk about me but he won't (says he wants to talk to me, not a therapist).
I have seen a book advertised 'Ghosts in the bedroom' that was written for partners. Does anyone have experience of it? Are there anyother recommendations or suggestions?
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stephanie
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Posted: Sat Jan 12th, 2008 07:43 pm |
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I am right there with you! I actually told my husband, before we got married about my father's abuse, figuring he would call off the wedding. Since he didn't, the topic was taboo for me. It was over, I didn't want anyone else to know (my family didn't know about it)or talk about.
That was almost 20 years ago. It has only been in the last 5 years that I finally had to begin "dealing" with it. Now,I can hardly stand for my husband to touch me, and then I will spiral into depression because I can't seem to be the wife he deserves. Most of the time I can just "grin & bear it". Recently, in therapy, I have been getting to some BIG stuff as my therapist calls it, and things get even more intense. She says this is why the sex is SO hard with my husband. There are just so many reminders and similarities. And now, in the past few weeks I have started to shake when he touches me, which really makes it hard to pretend I am OK.
My husband wishes I would talk to him more about my feelings but I will freeze up, and either get defensive or turn numb.
I think I got that book 'Ghosts in the bedroom' , but haven't read it in awhile. I also have "Allies in Healing" which is also for partners, but I am the one who reads these books and he doesn't want to. I do have him come with me to therapy at times. then she can explain things to my husband which seems to help for awhile. My therapists also says he needs to go to someone on his own, but he won't go either. So I feel like it is up to me to do all the changing.
I am sorry I don't know anything to help, but I do understand. I'm am also open to any suggestions. I am at the end of my rope and feel like giving up, just bury everything again, let my husband just do what ever he wants.
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Breaking the shell
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Posted: Tue Jan 15th, 2008 03:07 pm |
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Thanks for replying and understanding.
Actually we talked a lot over the course of the weekend (I find this so so hard as I am expecting him to criticise me. I feel his unhappiness is all my fault and it's only a matter of time before he has had enough), after which he told me he didn't understand. This I see as real progress as before he thought he did understand. I'll get the book anyway and put it by his bedside in the hope that he'll pick it up.
Maybe someone out there has some suggestions but in the mean time it makes me feel better that I am not the only one.
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