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Makwa
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| Joined: | Fri Sep 21st, 2007 |
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Posted: Fri Nov 16th, 2007 10:16 pm |
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Hi Everyone. I feel like my life is falling apart. I have some serious ptsd stuff happening lately. I woke up last night at 330am to this overwhelming fear that i am totally alone, that life wants to anhilate me, that there is no one, no one to help me get through this. I feel like i can't do it alone but every time i've trusted, i end up getting kicked in the teeth. and when i hear myself admit this what always follows is that I deserve it. Something is flawed in me for me to be in the situation i am in. I've brought it on myself. I'm getting what i deserve.
I can't even talk about it, except around in circles. This morning i woke up and i have had this overwhelming feeling like i'm a human jackhammer and life is just pounding me, drilling me into the ground. I'm 48 years old. I've been running for so long. You can't cover things up without serious consequences to your life, your health. But i just don't know how to ask for help, what to expect, how to need in a healthy way. I have no family. Since i moved back here i've been missing my grandma so much. she's been dead for a long time now. but i even call her old number to hear it ring, hear the automated voice say, we're sorry but the number you've dialed is no longer in service. If you feel you've reached this number in error, please hang up and dial again. None of my relatives want anything to do with me. I'm trying to raise a son with disabilities with one income. I'm trying to go back to work but because of my work history, because of my son's needs, i don't even know if the state i'm living in will give me my license. I have only been able to work part time, to accomodate him, and when he's been struggling, i've had to not work at all. I'm now having some serious back problems, that cause unbelievable and chronic pain. I am going to back doctors for therapy, etc. but i don't know if i will ever get well. the mri showed damage due to traumatic injury. what's new? i'm living in this community that doesn't seem like it will ever feel like a home to me. I don't have one friend. Not one friend. I'm really scared. How is this ever going to turn around? I sound like i'm complaining. which everyone hates...is a complainer. I'm just really discouraged right now.
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scw4survivors
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| Joined: | Wed May 30th, 2007 |
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Posted: Fri Nov 16th, 2007 11:49 pm |
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Please hang in there. Have you contacted a local church? Have you tried to find support services within you county or state?
There are people who care and who can help. I know it is hard to reach out to them, but the reward can be great if you can take that first step.
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Mending Soul
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| Joined: | Sun Oct 14th, 2007 |
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Posted: Sat Nov 17th, 2007 04:20 pm |
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Makwa, Liv,
I am finding that reaching out is hard too...I've called 'emergency social services' through the county for help for my daughter...who is homeless...and found the county even had 'emergency social services' for people dealing with what we are dealing with...
Try calling the 'non-emergency' number for the police and asking for 'emergency social services phone numbers' where you live...or call the operator and ask for numbers to 'sexual assault centers', or 'first call for help' numbers...often, they have referrals or access to referrals in the area you live in...you don't have to tell them your name...and don't have to 'see' someone unless you want to, but they will give you referrals...through this, you may be able to find 'support groups' in your area where you can reach out and make friends...
I know it's helped me...
My heart is with you in your lonliness and pain...I care...hang in there...tomorrow may not feel as bad as today...and even if it does...we only have to go through one day, one hour, one minute at a time. I'm holding you close to my heart.
Cathie
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Makwa
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| Joined: | Fri Sep 21st, 2007 |
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Posted: Sat Nov 17th, 2007 05:27 pm |
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Thank you Cathie...check out this website http://www.mpln.org
this network might be a good fit for you... once again your words have helped me. it's up and down and back again. what a life
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Mending Soul
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Posted: Sun Nov 18th, 2007 01:31 am |
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Makwa,
Check out the post 'hey, I'm here alive'..in 'General Discussions'....and you'll see what I've been dealing with this week.
My heart and prayers are with you.
Cathie
Last edited on Sun Nov 18th, 2007 01:33 am by Mending Soul
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tina marie
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| Joined: | Sun Oct 7th, 2007 |
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Posted: Fri Jan 4th, 2008 02:05 pm |
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i feel ur pain and believe me there is nothing but. i try so so hard not to think about this on a daily basis. i am 45 yrs old and thank god i do have friends without them i dont think i could survive although none of them except for 1 has gone through any experiences that i have. still u hate to talk about it constantly and at times i feel a burden. i hate to say it but maybe ur lucky u have no family. im dealing with conflicting emotions especially with my mother who is in such denial. she still talks with my father even knowing what he has done she has no ideal the pain i feel on a daily basis. i was going to school to be a psyhcologist to make a long story short in doing so i 1st realized how strong a person i am or try and make everyone believe i am but after talking with the paitents 9 out of 10 as far as i was concerned had no problems and i would find myself wondering why they tried to take their lives or why they couldnt cope. anyway i was a single parent and i knew i couldnt continue striving 4 that dream. i was consumed all i thought about was how i could help what i could do they the pts were my every thought. of course i had to give that dream up and take care of my son. now back in school 10 years later (very hard) im on another career take (nursing), sorry got off on what i wanted to say. today im very emotional and cant stop crying then i read this and yet again realize that im helpless i want to tell u come here to sc and i will be ur friend i know that sounds insane but im serious bizzare i know. but i dont know where u r i live in mb sc and there are jobs here to be had and possibly help with ur son. i know this sounds insane, even to myself but i feel 4 some reason i have to try and offer u something. i dont feel like a survivor i just exsist the only thing that has gotten me through is the love that i have 4 my child and 3 granddaughters. i have to be strong for them i pretty much put up a good front. sorry so long i just felt i needed to try and reach out to u let u know u r not alone
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Makwa
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Posted: Mon Jan 7th, 2008 04:43 pm |
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| thank you so much for your kind words. i'm sorry it's taken a while to get back to you. i have been sick with a virus and not online (not even out of bed) since wednesday. the weather here is warming up for a couple of days so i will try to get out to walk but Minnesota is my home, something i wanted to run away from for a long time and finally was returned to. gotta face this stuff. i'm not running anymore. never been to the southeast (well, florida once) but I know North Carolina has a great writing program. I'm continuing to deal with my ptsd and am finding a lot of relief and help from mindfulness practice (i imagine i am building new neuropathways everytime i have a flashback and do something different). It is good therapy for me. I'll write more later, when i'm feeling better but i think for now it's back to bed. Hope no one else gets this nasty bug. Happy New Year everyone. May this be the year we all get to LIVE....
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tina marie
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| Joined: | Sun Oct 7th, 2007 |
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Posted: Tue Jan 8th, 2008 09:25 am |
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| feel better, good luck
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