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scw4survivors
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Posted: Mon Oct 15th, 2007 01:16 pm |
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Hi,
A lot of times I feel like I'm "supposed" to be one of the "strong" ones here since I started the site. I want to help everyone know that it really can be okay ... even after experiencing the most vile of offenses against a child. Furthermore, I guess I've always thought of "strong" as "not needing any help." But, that's wrong ... I'm pretty sure strong is being strong enough to risk being vulnerable.
The truth is that today is not a very good day. It's Monday. It's October. My birthday is coming. Halloween is coming. Both of those days are scary days for me. And, yes, I've learned how to handle them better ... how to ask for help. What makes today hard is facing the fact that my therapist is away on a two-week vacation to Europe; that makes her unreachable. And, I just feel like that little kid who has been abandoned all over again.
I know that is not what is happening. My therapist even left me some magic fairy dust and a page-a-day calendar that she made to remind me that she really is coming back. (She knows how bad this time of year can be for me.)
So, I guess I just wanted to reach out here ... a place I know to be safe ... to say that the little girl deep within is really scared.
Thanks for listening. I know it will be okay. I just have to take it little by little.
Susan
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Lorus
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| Joined: | Sun Jun 10th, 2007 |
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Posted: Mon Oct 15th, 2007 06:49 pm |
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Susan,
Your words have helped give strength, even in times of weakness. Just because you hit a bump in the road doesn't mean your not strong. If anyone has read your story, they'll know this is a scary time for you. I only hope you'll keep your words flowing. It helps to hear you and everyone else. Happy Birthday in advance.
Lorus
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stephanie
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Posted: Fri Oct 19th, 2007 02:51 pm |
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I'm glad I am not the only one who feels really scared when my therapist is out of town! Then I feel guilty about it because I know she needs a break or a vacation and doesn't need to be worrying about me or anyone else.
I feel like 2 different people, a lot of the time. I am the "strong" or in charge person when I am at work ( I teach tap and ballet to little ones) and then I have been volunteering as a CASA (court appointed special advocate) where I really do have to be the strong one, when the child/teenager on my case is telling me stories of neglect that I have to report and she continues to call me for support. I feel like such a fraud, that I am pretending to strong and all together, but then I go home and the other "me" is dealing with eating disorders, self-harm, depression, and just generally trying to keep pretending I have it all together!
Sorry, I went on too long. My therapist has told me we should take the word "supposed to " out of our vocabulary. She also went to China a year ago and I couldn't call her. That was hard. Usually she'll tell me I can call, although I would never call her when she is on vacation, but it has helped to know that she said I could.
hope you have a Happy Birthday soon,
Stephanie
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Makwa
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Posted: Fri Oct 19th, 2007 09:06 pm |
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| Oh Susan, i understand what you are feeling. Those moments of wobbling that invariably come around as we continue to heal...it is part of the process isn't it? and there's new stuff to realize, new awarenesses, new lightbulbs coming on; the promise of these difficult times is the way they can catapault us to new heights. Hang in there, this will pass. And try to give yourself a happy birthday, even if it's just something little to celebrate you. you deserve it....Makwa
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scw4survivors
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Posted: Sat Oct 20th, 2007 12:43 am |
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Lorus, Stephanie, and Makwa ...
Thank you for your kind words. I'm hanging in there.
Susan
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