With much practice and reassurance from my counselor and friends, I am learning how to ask for help and to be okay with asking for help. I don't know how to acccept comfort from others, though. I don't know how to let go and allow myself to be vulnerable. Even though I rationally know that I am safe now, being vulnerable still feels extremely threatening. And it is not necessarily only a problem when other people are concerned. I also have not been able to just let go and allow myself to express emotion when I am alone. Again, it is too threatening. I want to move past this. I want to be able to relax and be open with the people I am close to. I want to be able to express emotion. I want to be able to feel. I am tired of the constant tension and of always being on guard.
i know exactly how you feel adrienne. i haven't had a lot of luck with vulnerability, for probably two reasons. The first is that i don't pick good people to be vulnerable to. I don't see it at the time but i have experienced that people who sincerely believe they can be there for me just can't once i take their reassurances and disclose whatever. The second reason is that I can't let go of this powerful control over myself. It's like i don't trust myself to be free or spontaneous with this stuff. I think finding the right people to be vulnerable with, and letting go of this extraordinary self-control (it's really more self-domineering than self controlling) would be awesome. to experience that might be healing. so, i too am interested in what people have to say about this. thanks for putting it out there.
