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Letty
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Posted: Sun Sep 16th, 2007 02:11 am |
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I just finished reading SCW's book. Thank you for sharing your story. I feel validated in so many ways. Thank you.
If there was one part that has weighed on my heart it was that S CW had sisters to share her burden. I don't. I know I have this forum, my Higher Power, my therapist-(but I don't really share the atrocities). . .I don't want to burden her with the darkness. . .I don't want to burden anyone with the darkness. Why? Why do I feel I have to carry this without sharing?
I read this other book and it said how people often share gory details to wound others. After I read that I thought, "I don't want to wound anyone, my wounds are big enough." However I feel that there is a time where I have to share all the details. . .I've shared them with my mom, some with my husband. . .some with my therapist. . .why do I feel I need to keep talking about them? I thought I could move on without having to share everything in details. . .
I need to share with someone with skin. I need to see their facial expression, the compassion in their eyes for me the horror and protective anger that they feel for me. I need to see acceptance in their face, acceptance that they BELIEVE my story.
Right now the little girl inside me, who is hurting the most is about 10. She needs to feel this. I worked with my "younger" little girl (3-7) and thought I was done. But when abuse lasts from 3-20, there are a lot of little girls that have been shut up and are hurting. Will they each need to share their story? Will I have to have every age re-live and re-tell to heal? I am scared that if that is true, if I can identify my 10 year old self is crying out for help, that that means I have split-personalities. I am crazy. How can I tell this to anyone. How do I ask for help with this?
Thank you for listening. . .
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scw4survivors
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Posted: Sun Sep 16th, 2007 04:08 am |
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Letty,
I am sorry you are hurting. We are here for you. You can tell us; yet, I know that's not what you really want. As you said, you want another to be physically and emotionally present.
I know that each time I tell my husband something I worry that this will be the time he finally gets fed up with having to listen to it and tells me to just get over it ... and that never happens.
I think that part of what we went through taught us that nobody cares ... nobody wants to listen. That's simply not true. Those who love us an care about us want to help share the burden. It's absolutely okay to tell your therapist. I suspect that it's okay to tell your husband, too.
Don't keep it in ... you've carried the burden long enough on your own ... share it.
Blessings,
Susan
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Jenni Lynn
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Posted: Fri Sep 28th, 2007 05:00 am |
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I know what you mean as for me my abuse lasted for a lot of years and I needed to find a way to heal that little girl within me so I found a way to heal by allowing myself to re-live my child hood as an innerchild on-line I won't post the link here to my forum for that as I am not sure that is ok or not here.
I can tell you this it saved my life. I have healed and have helped others as well to also heal.
I had never told my mom what daddy did to me... I just could not hurt her. She was already very ill and I could not put her though that.
I see you as someone who needs to share with someone who will listen. I will listen. I am not a therapist but I have been where you are and I do know your pain. I will also never forget that pain no matter how long it is that I live.
Jenni Lynn
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Lisette
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Posted: Fri Sep 28th, 2007 11:51 pm |
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I feel quite annoyed about what that book said about sharing to wound others. Poo poo I say to that book.
I say share and share it loud. I would only not share if it were to hurt me in some way. I learnt this from experience. When I first started remembering and knew 100% that something had happened I let everyone in my family know: this didn't hurt them but it really hurt me as they did not believe in it. I know it didn't hurt them as they were saying things like 'why would you say that. Maybe someone put those memories in your head'....I figured with a response like that where they couldn't even ask me if I was alright and how horrible it is for you to have an experience like that, that it wasn't hurting them at all. It was just some rubbish that 2 other members of the family have spoken about and influenced me.
A few people I have talked to about my stuff listen but a few have also stopped communicating with me. That hurts me alot. So in terms of who I tell I am really careful.
I like the internet forums as I can protect myself from others appraisals and judgments alot better than people I have daily contact with for e.g.
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Makwa
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Posted: Sat Sep 29th, 2007 06:27 pm |
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| Oh I know this pretty well too. I didn't tell for a long time. Then i did. And people either wanted me to get over it, that somehow by "purging my soul" to their great listening spirit I should now be well. And they get ANGRY or IMPATIENT or even worse, condemn me because i "refuse to help myself". Makes me wanna scream. Or the other thing people have done is look at me like I'm speaking martian. they cannot even comprehend what i'm saying. Alternately, when i find a place like this, I get scared, I do, because I begin to feel like people that feel EXACTLY what I've felt, who have memories like my memories are, who have the same wants to live joyful lives, want to love freely, want to belong... i don't know what i'm trying to say here, but sometimes i feel like i'm being tricked. it's a trick. there's another memory. even here. bummer.
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Lisette
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Posted: Sun Sep 30th, 2007 04:01 am |
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Hi Makwa,
I get a sense of trickery[and fakery] in stuff too. I don't know what its about but sometimes its bothersome and kinda makes me feel anxious about uncertainty.
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Mending Soul
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Posted: Sun Oct 21st, 2007 05:43 am |
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Makwa and others,
I rarely 'trust' anyone...been hurt, rejected...made to feel as if I 'should' have 'gotten over' that already...but over time, I've learned that the people who reject me and do anything they can to 'shut me up'...are the ones who are 'damaged' and 'untruthful'...they are either unable or incapable of hearing my pain...either because to them it is too horrible to acknowledge...or because they have their 'Own' unresolved abuse issues...and those people are no longer the ones I share my truth with...I look carefully at who and what they are before I open up...
Here...I can remain anonymous...and that is so safe for me...if I don't agree with someone here...it's ok...my experience, beliefs, feelings are mine...and if they don't agree with me...that's ok too...
I've learned that sometimes the feeling of being 'tricked' comes to me because I don't have much experience with true kindness and compassion...however...the more I reach out...carefully...the more compassion I allow myself to recieve...the more aware and observant I become of what is a 'trick' and what is geniune...I can't know something is geniune unless I take a risk...and risks for me sometimes bring more hurt...but I learn more...Life hurts...and Life has joys...if I avoid any hurt...or any possible hurt...I also avoid any joy...
When you've been betrayed by so many for so long...trust takes time...always remember...trust is EARNED...no one deserves your total trust without exhibiting trustworthy behavior over a long period of time...if someone or something has violated your trust...you get to decide if you wish to give that someone or something another chance or not...you do not HAVE to trust anyone or anything...
If even writing here scares you...read for awhile...build your trust...take your time...
Think about a dog who has been beaten by humans for years and then is rescued....it takes a long, long time for that dog to learn trust again...to learn not to fear the hand...to learn it's ok to be touched...
Well, we are people...we have a spirit and a soul...we need a lot more care and love and gentleness and kindness and trustworthy behavior from others to learn trust...especially if we never had the chance to learn to trust anyone....
My heart is with you...
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Makwa
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Posted: Tue Oct 23rd, 2007 01:14 am |
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| Oh Soul...i know this too. you know what is so hard for me is to accept my life as it is. i get so resentful that my entire life is wrapped up in these epic questions of trust, betrayal, faith, healing when if i wasn't doing this i believe i could have been/could be successful...have something (ANYTHING) to show for this life of mine. i think, if i die today and go talk to the creator and he says, so what did you do with the life i gave you? i would most likely have to answer nothing. because i've done nothing. this stuff has taken away any ability to be free and fearless. i'm crippled with fear most of the time and pretend i'm not the rest. it's so tragic. i'm not hungry. i'm not homeless (not yet anyway). i'm not destitute. i should have wonderful productivity! i should be overflowing with accomplishments. it's so frustrating. it makes me feel so bad about myself.
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Mending Soul
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Posted: Tue Oct 23rd, 2007 02:32 am |
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Makwa,
I know how you feel...that feeling of looking over your life and seeing a wasteland of mistakes because we didn't know how to choose...or how to set boundaries...or how to say no...or how to love ourselves...and hating it.
When I see my past...I feel such a profound sadness...because I was given so much intelligence and talent...and so little living skills to use any of them. But I truely believe that our lives are not measured by the 'world's' eyes of success...but by the success of our hearts...and the obstacles we overcame...and the suffering we shared and the love we gave...When I meet my Creator...I will probably ask Him why? But I know He will Not say "what did you do with your life" and expect me to give a list of 'worldly' successes...because my Creator wasn't worldly either...He has said to me:
"If they persecuted Me...they will persecute you also..." But He has also said "I will NEVER leave you...only you can LEAVE ME."...
I think when I answer Him "I wanted to paint You the most brilliant and beautiful paintings that would touch the hearts of everyone...but I spent so much time suffering and trying to stay alive...I couldn't find the time...I wanted to scuplt the most beautiful sculptures that would have made You cry with the beauty of them...but I was so poor...and so defeated...and struggled so hard to find the me that was stolen...that I never had the clay to sculpt with..I wanted to write to most spellbinding books that would steal the reader's soul...but I was so busy trying to recover from addictions and self-abuse...that I never got the training in writing...I wanted to worship You with a husband and a loving family in Mass every week...but my choice's of husband's were damaged and they beat me instead...and then they stole my children and beat and abused them too..."
And I think my Creator would answer me "Cathie...I chose a life for you before I created you...I counted every hair on your head all the days of your life...I heard every beat of your heart...every breathe you took...and I cried when I saw the beautiful paintings in your dreams...I wept when I beheld your sculptures...I was moved to such compassion with your books...and I held you when your husband's hurt you...and when your father betrayed you...I held your soul in safe-keeping...and when your children's souls' were being murdered...I wrapped my love around them until they were able to find them again...and every tear you ever cried...I cried My tears with you...and when you wanted to give up...I sent strength to your heart...because in spite of everything...I never took My hand of gentleness from your life...I always knew the purpose of your life...even though you never did...and I love you so very much for trusting Me with it....and I am so glad you are home now to rest in My Heart for all eternity and here is Your Beautiful Soul."
In recovery...I had to stop using my abusers idea of God...and find the one that filled my HEART...and healed my SOUL...I had to stop listening to "shoulds" and start listening to "coulds"...I had to learn the difference between regret and sadness...and shame and self-hate...I am still learning.
I hope this helps a little...it gives me hope...that no matter what happens to me...there will come a day when I know the reason...and until then...I keep living my life...as messed up as it is...one day at a time...
My heart and spirit surround you Makwa...and hold you close.
Cathie
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Makwa
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Posted: Tue Oct 23rd, 2007 12:40 pm |
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I woke up to this post and am sitting here this blubbering, pitiful wreck! I'm so glad you did this, rejected your abusers idea of a creator to find your own truth. I did the same thing a year and a half ago. It was the scariest thing i've ever done! Because it was real for me. I couldn't believe what I was doing even while i was doing it but i kept right on. A big part of my abuse was at the hands of my father, who was a very BIG leader/healer in his church. He was never able to spiritually manipulate me because i soooo saw through him. It was a mystery to me, even as a child, how people would hand their lives over to him on a silver platter. And how he would berate them if they didn't get well, or better. How they would sometimes die, faithful to him to the end, or near enough to it that changing their minds didn't matter anymore. That's what happened to my mom. She got sick and he wouldn't let her go to the hospital. He had her locked into a {specific religion} nursing home and when she tried to contact her brother (a doctor) for help, they had the phone removed. She was bedridden by then. We eventually got her to a hospital where she survived two surgeries and got to say goodbye to her family. But for her life it was too late.
I did however become vulnerable to a spiritual manipulator later in life and it completely rocked my world. IT's too long a story to put down here but my whole family was nearly destroyed at the hands of this man and i tried to put a stop to it, my husband was working with him, and he came after me. And after recovering from the acute madness i had a little one-to-One with that god. And i basically told him that I would not submit to him. I could not love him. And if that's what god is then I guess i'm screwed because i'm not going there. I was screaming and so incredibly angry because my faith was damaged...the thing that carried me through my childhood and the thing that kept me going after all I been through, it was shattered. I felt like i had nothing anymore. No meaning. After i got done screaming at this guy i realized that was one courageous thing i just did. And realized that our freedom was one of the most precious gifts from the creator i believe in. freedom. and anyone who tries to get us to forfeit that is someone who's working for the guy i just gave the boot. No matter what people call him. A few weeks ago I was up visiting relatives in a tiny community in the northern part of this state and i was walking and walked by a storefront church called "Harvest Free Will...(name of religion) Church" and it totally freaked me out.
So anyway, fast forwarding to now, and your post, it just made me weepy so I'm nearly crippled up with a bad back, i just came down with an upper respitory virus, my husband can't stay home and work from here even though i feel like i would really like someone to take care of me right now, and i opened your post and it just filled me with all the TLC I could want, and reminded me of all the love and support I do have. I want to thank you for that gift. Thank you so much.
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Mending Soul
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Posted: Tue Oct 23rd, 2007 03:54 pm |
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Makwa,
Thank you for your response...I wept myself when I wrote it...it was Grace given to me from my most Holy God...to tell me of His Love for me...I am so glad it gave you comfort too...
I'm sorry you are suffering so much today...I've been very ill for a long time too...and often wish for someone to give me TLC...and then when someone who really cares about me offers...I have the hardest time letting them help me...recieving is so very hard for me...
I am relieved to hear you were able to help your mom...we had to 'rescue' my mother too...my father basically 'abandoned' her in their own home...she was suffering from spinal fractures and severe emphysema and was so ill, she couldn't even get into the bathtub for over a year...and my father never told anyone...when we found out...we got her into the hospital...she ended up dying with in a couple months...but at least we were able to try to help her at the end...in spite of her inability to protect us from him...she did end up paying with her life...so in many ways...I've forgiven her...
I went through many years of wandering before I found my God...and I also went through many years of thinking my God had abandoned and betrayed me...over time, I learned it was people...not God, who do wrong...to me...and to others...God is perfect...we are not...
I wish you comfort today...
Cathie
Last edited on Tue Oct 23rd, 2007 03:57 pm by Mending Soul
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Lorus
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Posted: Tue Oct 23rd, 2007 11:18 pm |
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If God asked me "What did you do with your life?" I would say, "I suffered, and I survived". He would then motion for all of us to step aside, because there are those behind us who cannot say the same. And as we stepped aside I could hear him say something about hurting the least little hair on one of my children.
I don't think we lose faith in God, we just get too busy trying to survive, God understands even when we don't.
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