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Letty
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Posted: Mon Sep 3rd, 2007 01:21 am |
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I am the oldest in my family. My parents seperated when I was 6. I always felt the need to keep everything up and keep everyone happy and together. I always felt that nothing I ever did was good enough. I now know that that was programmed into me from the time I was very little by glenn my abuser, formerly known as my father.
Now as a wife and mother I find myself doing the same thing. . .trying to hold everything up. Little by little I have found some relief from the bondage of thinking that "I" was to look good, be good and do good all the time. I am seeing a pattern in my recovery. I often times avoid the pain of the memories by stuffing them. When I stuff my memories I am prone to overeat. When I overeat I then feel terrible about myself. I turn to self hate and self abuse. I dive into a deep depression and struggle in a black hazy fog. . .until finally, finally I feel a ray of hope and cast off the negative voices, face my feelings and continue to move on.
Lately however, I have a new way of dealing with my emotions, I overwork. Well this is nothing new, you say. (And in truth it isn't) Except for the fact that I now RECOGNIZE it and don't care and continue to overwork myself to sheer exhaustion. Sometimes I will work myself to the point where I will get dizzy or have mental blip outs (I have a seizure disorder, and I believe I am have petit mals. . .sp? . Anyway. . .why would I continue to work when I am literally short circuiting? Why would I continue the pattern of abuse to myself that was instigated years ago?
I don't have the answers to those questions in full yet, although I do believe that it is a CYCLE. It's like if I'm not being abused, I don't function. When my abuser wasn't hurting me, I was hurting me. Now that I am grown up, I still step in to continue the breaking down of my soul. What I am learning and hearing over and over again is the need for self care. In my 12 step group we have talked a lot about self care. It has been an awakening for me to see what self-care actually is.
Of course I know it is taking a shower, eating well etc. etc. But I am also learning that self care for me is being with people who are safe. . .no matter what. I stopped going to my church because there was so much abuse that was covered up. I literally walked away from the craziness because it was causing me so much pain. I have suffered tremendous persecution for saying "No" to abuse, and stepping out of a "don't talk, don't tell, keep everything quiet" situation.
I also no longer talk with glenn. I quit having a relationship with him over 2 years ago. His sisters, my aunts won't talk to me and he has lied and lied about me and is now the "victim" in our family. I won't lieto y'all, it hurts. But it is too sick for me to go back and pretend that everything is OK. It is counterproductie for ME, to be around glenn while I am trying to heal. He denies, lies and continues to abuse those around him with gross manipulation and emotional battery. I've had enough from him, I'm saying No.
I have more on self care, but I can't think strait, so I'll continue self care next time!
Love to all of you, thanks for listening.
Letty
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Lisette
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Posted: Fri Sep 28th, 2007 11:34 pm |
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So Cool to read your post
I decided the same thing a while back about being round abusive people and then it hit me I have a CHOICE. I said this to myself I have a CHOICE and my goodness it was amazing to realise.
I have had probs with my mother and her abuse and saying no to her was soooooo gooooood. I was screaming inside I DON'T WANT TO BE AROUND HER I AM REALLLLLLLY SCARED, CONFUSED AND ANGRY. And when I actually heard my internal monologue I realise gee I don't have to be around her. EVER!! I only regret I didn't hear it sooner.
Ahhh that was such a relief for me to say no.
I have also heard about self-care lots but still am not really understanding what that means practically. People say eating well, sleeping well, doing nice things for yourself, hot baths.. little things. But I do these things and they sort of don't work sometimes. I mean I over eat the good food! Self care is as much of a journey for me as is recovering memories.
I have taken to wrapping myself in a soft blanket to go to sleep in and cushioning my body between two pillows. I sleep with lots of pillows to cuddle and etc. Very comforting. I have recently discovered my love of big soft pretty pillows and a blanket to cuddle. Seems kinda child like but it works for me!
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Makwa
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Posted: Fri Oct 26th, 2007 02:01 am |
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| Self-care. I got about as far away from that as one can get. utterly impoverished. it was a viscious cycle. but this summer i started by quitting smoking. and i'm still not smoking. and i stopped putting cream in my coffee (yes. I was drinking 2 quarts a week!) and went back to drinking black coffee the way i was raised. then i began to walk and am now walking 2-4 miles a day. great huh? but i don't think that is what self-care is, not really. for me, self care is about listening to the innermost whisper of my dignity, and doing what i can to support and nurture that. it's my dignity that suffered the most, my dignity that needs to be recovered. i have found that when i can feel that and nurture that, whatever i do is self-care, whether it's brushing my teeth or taking a walk, or eating cake before bed or talking too long on the phone or not talking at all to anyone for a while. thanks for these messages. this board helps me so much.
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Lorus
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Posted: Fri Oct 26th, 2007 05:11 am |
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Makwa,
Congratulations on quitting smoking, and no cream in the coffee. Although I have to admit to a little skim milk instead of black. These are a part of selfcare, I remember having to be determined and constantly telling myself I can do this. It's been about 3 years since I quit smoking, but the cream in the coffee has been on and off. They may not seem big to most people, but new habits give me a different direction.
Lorus
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Mending Soul
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Posted: Sat Oct 27th, 2007 06:02 am |
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Makwa, and Lorus,
Congratulations to both of you for quitting smoking!...I've been battling the smoking demon for 3 years now...have been off...and then back on...I hate every cigarette I smoke...I hate the smell...the taste...what it does to my house...my clothes...my car...and yet...I still run to the store when the panic sets in and buy another pack...it's the worst addiction I have ever fought...I pray daily for it's removal...and then do the opposite in my behavior...a priest even told me to 'stop' trying to quit...that I had too many other issues to add that to it...and yet...every day...it's what I want most...is to quit...
I envy your courage to quit such a horrible addiction...it really says something to me about your inner strength and I commend both of you.
The whole idea of 'self-care' for me includes giving up the nicotine because it's destroying my body...one drag at a time...I don't understand myself why, of all my addictions, this one is the worst....
I've been able to recover from drugs and alcohol...have gone through horrendous withdrawal from both alcohol and even doctor prescribed narcotics...have given up caffiene and sugar...but cigarettes....that's my worst addiction...and I've been asking myself...how I could go through such horrible withdrawal from other things which included 9 weeks of vomiting when I came off the Doctor prescribed narcotics...but am unable to withstand the 'mental' withdrawal from the nicotine...
So, if you pray...pray for me...that I find the strength and courage to give up this last horrible addiction...before it kills me...
I agree with all of you...that self-care takes a long time to understand and learn to practice...because we learned so many, many behaviors that are so self-defeating and so self-abusive...abusing ourselves when no one else is abusing us for that stupid 'comfort level' in living...it makes me sick...and it makes me so crazy some days...
I am hoping that the day comes very soon that I can put the cigs. down and never pick up again...I guess I have to get to that same knowledge of powerlessness over this addiction too...that 'I' will never be able to quit...but that maybe my Higher Power can relieve my addiction if I let Him...
So back to Step One in the 12-step program again...
Anyway...thanks for listening.
Cathie
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Lisette
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Posted: Sat Oct 27th, 2007 09:18 am |
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Well done cathie with giving up all the other addictions....Cigarettes are the hardest... I found them the hardest from drugs and alcohol... but I did it... and so can you....
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Makwa
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Posted: Sat Oct 27th, 2007 03:45 pm |
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Good Morning Cathie! The cigarettes were tough, TOUGH to give up. I know advice is completely useless but i'm gonna share what worked for me anyway. I KNEW i had to quit. I was having health problems. No stamina. I'm a singer and lost my ability to sing. I dance and could not dance. no stamina. I told myself then and there next time i get sick, that's my exit ramp. You see, one of the WORST things for me as far as my issues and triggers of sexual abuse goes, is getting a sore throat. so when i get sick, i get a sore throat and i'm totally demobilized, physically but especially emotionally and mentally. and i can't smoke then. because it brings up memories because it burns my throat. NOW here's the interesting thing for me with regards to smoking...
it lays down a web that covers all my emotions and contains them from surfacing up and out. It's just like that for me. Smoking was absolutely a tool to manage ptsd. and when something acute happened, i'd grab and smoke and sometimes be up in the middle of the night in the dark, sitting next to my oven for heat and smoking like a fiend.
So i got sick in july. three days of debilitating sore throat misery. three days of no smoking. it was never going to get easier than that. so i went for it. and the one thing i gave myself permission to do was feel the misery. accept the misery of quitting smoking. accept the feelings of urges to pick up. accept the ptsd symptoms that yes, got way more intense, BUT ONLY FOR A LITTLE WHILE. and the urges didn't last. they were intense. so intense. but they passed. and i can breathe now. and sing now. and dance again. and these ptsd symptoms, the things i was medicating with powerful, beautiful cigarettes, were actually also what i wanted to deal with but could never get to. I MISS SMOKING. Don't get me wrong. But i know i can't go back to it. It scares me to think of it. But i don't think i will this time. oh, and also, the doctor said quitting was the best thing i could do to alleviate my back pain (the circulation would increase in my back and help with the healing). that was a HUGE motivator. I'm tired of living in pain, helpless and a victim. So there you have it. What helped me.
Oh, and tootsie pops. i keep them on hand. they are a great substitute for a smoke. I don't overdue it by thinking of KOJAK...LOL
And i won't ever give up coffee!!!!! Congratulations! The thought of that TERRIFIES me. Coffee is ABSOLUTELY my number one drug of choice!!!!!!
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Mending Soul
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Posted: Sat Oct 27th, 2007 06:53 pm |
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Makwa,
I used to sing to and play guitar...but when I was in a coma...I pulled out a breathing ventilator...and destroyed my vocal cords...so I doubt even when I do quit...which I will...it's only a matter of which day...I doubt I will get my voice back...
But I also know that cigs. cause my physical pain to increase...and are destroying my arteries and lungs...they are so incididious...so fatal...
I never wanted to smoke...always hated the smell...reminds me of my abusers breath...but when my older sister started...I so worshipped her...I wanted to be like her...so when she offered them to me...I tried them...and hated them...but kept trying them...until I was hooked...and it's been a life-long battle since then...I've been off before...after going through major surgeries...and didn't want to pick up again...but lived with smokers...and they really didn't want me to quit because then they couldn't smoke around me...and as soon as I smelled the smoke...the craving got so bad, I gave in...more than once...
It's those first 3 days that terrify me...because the mental craving is so bad for me...
Anyway...if I could get off those narcotics...I know God will help me give up the cigs...I just have to be willing to let Him take the cravings away...
I've figured it has something to do with my mouth...the 'sucking' reflex...I know it has some sort of deep subconsious thing to do with my mouth...some misguided need for nurturing or something...
I agree...when I hurt...I want a cig...so I imagine my smoking has something to do with not feeling the pain too...
Thanks for your post and encouragment.
Have a great day.
Cathie
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Makwa
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Posted: Sat Oct 27th, 2007 07:07 pm |
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| Oh hang in there. I can just feel the anguish. For me anguish is so unbearable and i feel it so regularly. I'll be thinking of you.
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