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Lorus
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Posted: Wed Jul 18th, 2007 02:06 am |
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| I thought I was doing pretty good dealing with whatever came along in my thoughts, feelings, memories etc. I know I can put some things behind me, and there are still some things that bother me. As far back as I can remember, I would get upset at hearing about someone else getting abused. Back then I would start having panic attacks not knowing why. As I went through my healing I would still get upset when I heard about another person being abused but I didn't panic anymore, I would get angry and sometimes I would cry. I told of a story that I heard recently and started to cry and was told that I have to stop being a victim and start being a survivor. I know there are things I need to work on, but having feelings for someone I don't know means I have feelings for what I know they'll go through. And knowing what they have to go through makes me feel sad. What makes me happy is knowing that they'll see the light at the end of the tunnel also. I feel more like a survivor everyday, especially when I can validate and express my feelings. Something I couldn't do as a victim.
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littlesis
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Posted: Wed Aug 1st, 2007 11:10 am |
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| that is so true what you said about the emotions and knowing what they'll go through. I am the same way with my oldest daughter she was molested by my exhusband. I cried for months and still do on occassion. That was one thing I didn't want happening to anyone else especially her. Hopefully her and I can get the proper help we need and become survivors together. Is it ok for me to talk about that situation as well I'm new I'm not sure of how all this works? I'm so use to being a people pleaser and putting on a front to hide my pain. Last edited on Wed Aug 1st, 2007 11:25 am by littlesis
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Lorus
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Posted: Wed Aug 1st, 2007 02:37 pm |
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| You don't have to put on a front in this forum. That's why it's here to say what you want to say. One of the best things about healing is getting rid of the negative things inside by talking about it.
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littlesis
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Posted: Wed Aug 1st, 2007 11:00 pm |
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| Thank you lorus. I do have alot of negative energy bottled up inside. I think I'll call a therapist very shortly there is so much for me to continue to deal with. I didn't really explain the whole situation about my daughter but to make a sick and long story short. My exhusband is my youngest ones father and he got away w/o charges. He get visitation w/ my youngest girl and I still have to deal and worry about that. I fought him for 3 years and got no where other than broken in more ways than one. I need a THERAPIST... I will make a point to call now.
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Jackie
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Posted: Fri Aug 3rd, 2007 07:21 pm |
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| In some ways I feel like a survivor but in some ways I still feel like a victim which makes me feel even more powerless. I also try to please everyone else and I know I need to take care of myself first, but to be honest, I don't even know where to start.
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Lorus
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Posted: Fri Aug 3rd, 2007 08:20 pm |
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One thing that kept me thinking about whether I was a survivor or still a victim was how I reacted to a lot of other stories. Whether they were from another survivor or something I heard in the news. I still have a hard time with a lot of things. Am I still a victim of the effects? I have discussed this for the passed three weeks and have come to a few conclusions that helped. I have kept my emotions in check for so long. Now that I feel them and I'm expressing them. It makes me feel like I'm a human being with a lot of feelings. It's always going to be sad to hear other things. So I cry, it's okay to cry. I'm always going to be confused as to why humans treat each other the way they do. It's okay to be confused. There are still things I don't understand about what happened, that's okay. I may never understand or find all the reasons. What happened to us goes beyond reason. Only God knows for sure. I do know that there are more things that make me laugh and feel good about myself than I had before. I also know I have more power to take on those things that are yet to come. At times I will feel like a victim, but there are more times now that I feel like a survivor. Beside therapy, this forum has helped me express those feelings. Thank You Susan
Jackie you already started, your talking about it with other survivors. Last edited on Fri Aug 3rd, 2007 08:22 pm by Lorus
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scw4survivors
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Posted: Sat Aug 4th, 2007 12:39 am |
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Lorus,
I'm glad you've found this forum helpful. As to the question of victim/survivor ... is it possible that we're both? Does it have to be an either/or thing, or can both be true at the same time?
Susan
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Lorus
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Posted: Sat Aug 4th, 2007 02:53 pm |
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| That was my question, is there a time we're supposed to stop feeling or calling ourselves victims? We were harmed by the abuse, and suffered not only during but after as we try to sort things out and put a life together. According to some we should stop thinking we are victims and start thinking like survivors. I considered myself a survivor, but always felt like a victim as I learn new things about myself. As I remember the conversation, it was stated that I should be more like a survivor and not a victim, that I need to pass from victim to survivor. After remembering how I was in the beginning, I know I'm better now. If you call that being more of a survivor then I'm more of a survivor. Every so often I find something I can explain about myself, I deal with it, learn from it, and make changes if need be. As I do this I feel like a victim, but in getting past it I feel like a survivor. Yes they can both be true.
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Lori
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Posted: Sat Aug 11th, 2007 02:10 am |
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Lorus,
I have called myself a survivor now for about 7 years. That's because I tried to take my own life 7 years ago. At that point my higher power stepped in and now I no longer consider myself a victim. I still have issues but I survived 7 years of incest as a young child, and I also survived a suicide attempt, and a 4 year drug addiction. I have been a victim at "another's" hand, as well as a victim of my "own" hand. I just don't ever want to be a victim again. I cry at stories about sexual abuse and cannot even stand to watch the ads on TV for that show where they catch the Internet predators...it freaks me out. To be honest I feel like we were victims while the abuse was happening (or while any abuse happens for that matter) and now we are survivors because we are here helping each other and talking about it. I for one want to remain a survivor. I want to share what happened to me and how it has effected my whole life, how it continues to screw up my relationships, and I want to be able to "label" myself and not worry about how others "label" me. Your a survivor in my book...your still here, your still talking, and it's okay to be the person that you are! I think it's okay to cry, and I think it's okay to empower yourself by letting people know that "yes at one time you were a victim" but you survived that time and now you are a survivor. Boy... I'm full of myself today!
Lori
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Lorus
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Posted: Sat Aug 11th, 2007 01:43 pm |
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| Thanks Lori, more food for thought.
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Jackie
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Posted: Mon Aug 13th, 2007 01:21 pm |
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Lori,
You just put into words how I hope to one day feel myself. It is so hard to tell people what happened to me. Some of my family members don't even know what happened to me as a child. When I feel like I have to talk about it, like there is something I just have to get out or I'll explode, I have trouble trying to decide if it is "okay" to do that. I mean, there are some members of my family that would cringe if I called them and just started talking. Sometime I feel so alone that it actually hurts. I have spent many nights wondering if my step-father ever thinks about how he hurt me and I have come to the conclution that he probably doesn't. And if he does, it's not in the same way I do. As I have said before, I'm in going through a divorce adnall these feelings are coming to the surface and I don't like this feeling. I don't know whether I am scared of being out in this world alone or if I am afraid I will find someone to love "me". The me with the insecurities, the fears, the child that was so badly hurt. I feel like I am still mourning that child. My Mama got together with this man less than a year after my Daddy died and within 6 months, at the age of 7, the abuse started. I wonder sometimes if I still associate the death of my Daddy with the abuse. I mean, I can think about my Daddy and smile at the memories I have of him, so I don't mean all my memories of him are connected to this bad thing. I mean, his death. I don't know. I just think about things like this sometimes when I get down. I try not to get down because I don't like to feel this way.
Thank you for posting. I do feel better knowing I am not the only one that feels like I feel.
Jackie
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Jackie
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Posted: Mon Aug 13th, 2007 01:21 pm |
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| Last edited on Mon Aug 13th, 2007 01:22 pm by Jackie
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Lori
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Posted: Tue Aug 14th, 2007 07:11 pm |
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Jackie,
There are only two members of my family who know what happened to me and they are my sister (13 years older than me) and her daughter (who is now 35). My brother is 10 years older than me and he began molesting me when I was around three years old....to be honest I cannot remember when it started only that I put a stop to it when I was 10. I disclosed to my sister when I was 19...but at the time she could not hear it. Just as she could not hear me when I tried to tell her about the suicide attempt. Both times she just put her hand up in the air and said, "stop...I can't hear this." I have come to accept that her being unable to "hear" me is her issue and it has only been in the past few months that she has been able to discuss any of this at all with me. The reason she is now trying to discuss my problems is because her daughter was also molested at a young age... and even though it only occured a couple of times verses my seven years....my niece's life has been mirroring my own life for the last 10 years or so. My niece will not seek help, she lives in denial and tells her Mom that "Aunt Lori" has let the experience control her whole life, where my niece believes that she has gotten "over it". My family has issues. I will not let their issues make mine worse. I do not find support within my family. I find support from my bestfriend, who's Mother also happens to be an incest survivor. My bestfriend tells me that she understands her Mother a great deal more now since having been my friend and watching how I live my life. I also have been lucky to find a man that I date who has been very active in AA. He has been sober for 8 years. He is the first boyfriend I have ever been able to disclose everything with, but it came about because of a crisis and we both struggle at times with our relationship, because I still try to push him away, then become needy, then push away again, and because he has his own issues. But he is supportive and there when I need him. My other support is thru therapy and now this web site. I gave up trying to find the support I needed from my closest family members and found that support outside of my family unit. I know what it's like to feel all alone. I know what it's like to isolate yourself from the outside world. I struggle with feeling alone all the time. But on this website we have each other, so we are not really alone at all.
Lori
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summer
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Posted: Thu Aug 23rd, 2007 11:06 pm |
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| hi my name is summer I've been molested at the age of 3 yrs old and up till teenager and when I was 15 I was raped and then my ex-husband raped me , been abused phyiscally, mentally and emotionally. I'm trying to heal myself by reading books but I know I have blocked out alot how can I reopen these in order to have peace of mind. yes I have anxiety attacks, insomina, depression, I'm Bi-Polar #1, pls help me and also have Panic attacks
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Lori
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Posted: Sat Aug 25th, 2007 08:43 pm |
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Summer,
I can only share with you what I have done to help myself. First, I have a very good Sexual Assault Therapist. I trust her and she has given me very useful tools to aid me with my panic attacks, anxiety, and other issues related to being an incest survivor. The other thing that I have done is to join a 12 step program. In my case I chose NA because I've been addicted to drugs for most of my life. My therapist was supportive of joining this program because as she told me almost 85% of the women in NA have been sexually abused in their lives and she felt that I would find the fellowship and support that I needed by attending these meetings. For many years I isolated myself and did not form any close relationships. I truly hated myself. I was secretive about everything that I did in life because I was taught at a very young age how to keep secrets and not to tell about the bad things that were happening to me. It took me a long time to find a therapist that I really felt a connection with and who I could be totally honest with. These are the things that are helping me to cope in my life. Have you considered therapy? Self help is great and I continue to read self help books but I can't survive on my own, I have to have help. Anyway, hope this helps you. Good luck and keep talking.
Lori
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