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Letty
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| Joined: | Sun Aug 26th, 2007 |
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Posted: Mon Aug 27th, 2007 04:09 pm |
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Summer-
Thanks for sharing. I was molested from age 3-? (not sure, my last memory was in my late teens, but I also have one in my early 20's when Glenn came into the room I was sleeping in and tried something...I have blocked that memory out and don't want to see anymore.) I was raped by Glenn and his brother, (my uncle), and my stepmom when I was 17. (Glenn WAS my dad. I don't call him that anymore.) I didn't start remembering my abuse until my 30th birthday. I always knew that something had happened and I had fragmented memories or weird things but didn't connect them to me or to reality. I am finding that the memories come when THEY come. I can't make them come forward. I can only seek support and ride the "wave" , so to speak as it comes. If everything came at once, I would've quit this life. I even remember praying to just know everything and be done. . .as if healing can be ordered like a pizza. I am so greatful that they didn't come all at once. Rather the memories ebbed and flowed. I got to where I could tell when they were coming and I made sure I was with someone safe to process and talk about the memory. I didn't want to be alone when I had the memories, because my abused little girl is only 3. She is scared to be alone. No matter what age the abuse occured, my mentality was always 3. The more support I give to that little girl, the more healing comes.
ON being a SURVIVOR- To me, the mere fact that I am alive denotes survivor. I survivied 15 years of incest and emotional abuse. Even though I was a victim, I will no longer allow that man to control my life, or dictate to me ANYTHING. Yes I still struggle with self hate, I was programmed to hate myself and to never feel good enough, but I'm working on that. Every step I take towards healing, no matter how bleak it feels or how weak I am is a step to freedom. A release from the entanglement of abuse that I no longer want to run my life. I am breaking the chains that have bound my family for too long.
Thanks for listening.
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Jackie
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Posted: Mon Aug 27th, 2007 05:25 pm |
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Letty wrote:
Yes I still struggle with self hate, I was programmed to hate myself and to never feel good enough, but I'm working on that. Every step I take towards healing, no matter how bleak it feels or how weak I am is a step to freedom. A release from the entanglement of abuse that I no longer want to run my life. I am breaking the chains that have bound my family for too long.
You have put into words what I am trying to deal with now. "I was programmed to hate myself." I have never heard it put that way, but that is how it was and still is. I have been trying to work on peace with myself, but I can never get over the fact that it is so hard to love myself. Those 6 words you typed have given me an epiphany. I was programmed by that "man" who claimed to care about me. He programmed me to feel as though I am not worth anyone loving or caring about me. But as I sit here excited that I now kind of understand the "how" of the way I became to not love myself, I am scared because I still don't know how to change it.
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sparrow
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Posted: Fri Sep 7th, 2007 02:34 am |
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Dear Lorus,
Being a survivor does not mean giving up on feeling but becoming more alive to it in a way that gives life and love and joy to yourself and to all around you. You are only a victim when you continue to mirror the instilled characteristics that your abuser created for you. Being free of the confines of no feeling into the freedom of feeling that is healing and constructive in the world around you and in your self is the essence of the journey from victim to survivor. Loving self without selfishness is the heralding sign of survival - for you cannot be a victim when you love your self into life with continued gentleness for the world -- even the world of your greatest enemy. So feel free to cry for the innocence lost but believe always in its ultimate survival -- for innocence is the great Phoenix that comes alive only from the ashes of the greatest sorrow.
Know that love always triumphs and when you cry, cry honestly -- and when you laugh, laugh with the freedom of the blessed. This is the song of the survivor and I believe that you know it.
with love from a broken little bird who still knows how to sing Loves song
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