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Makwa
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Posted: Mon Oct 22nd, 2007 09:42 pm |
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This is my life cycle...and i am so tired of it. I'm really looking for feedback, what has worked for anyone out there who has dealt with this issue.
A lot of my growing up also involved some major brainwashing and coersion. I was sleep deprived. I was asked to confess to things not knowing what they were. I was physically abused until i confessed. then told to turn over a new leaf in the morning. when morning came (or if it went on til morning) i would come downstairs and they would act as if nothing ever happened. But i was told i was a liar. that anything i said was a lie, unless it was what they wanted me to say, which was the truth...except it wasn't. It shattered any internal sense of self or truth. to the point when i would have to ask others if something were true that knew, something not even significant, because for hours my parents would work to turn me around so completely that sometimes I wasn't sure of anything. Sometimes i'd doubt the sky was blue if they told me it was pink.
Anyway, the point for me is that this false memory stuff came up in the news when i was really struggling to deal with my own issues and it really hammers down on me so that when i have a memory it's always followed by, i'm a liar, i believe my own lies, i made my bed and now i have to lie in it, and the false memory people that say it was almost mass hysteria. how do i know for sure? and how do i deal with the overarching belief that what i'm doing has caught me up in this evil force that if i believe myself it's like i'll get what i deserve. i'll go to hell, even though that is not jargon that was used in my family. any ideas, experiences, anyone? how do we deal with this false memory information without going totally black and white, which for me is really dangerous mindset. i definitely lose when things fall into two categories, good/bad, black/white, right/wrong, etc. blah, blah. i hurt myself with the same torture techniques my parents used on me as a child, and i'm much more lethal with it than they were.....
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scw4survivors
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Posted: Mon Oct 22nd, 2007 10:57 pm |
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The best response I've ever found to the "false lies" question is from a wise therapist. She told me that people generally don't make things up in order to feel bad ... so, if it makes you feel bad, and you can't seem to shake the feelings, then there's likely something to it.
Deep down, I believe we know the truth. Trust yourself to know the truth.
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Makwa
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Posted: Tue Oct 23rd, 2007 01:04 am |
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| i take it even one step farther....i have spent many years AVOIDING dealing with this because it makes me feel so bad. If i made it up, don't you think...doesn't anybody think I could go on and life a happy life, be normal, etc? i sabotage my recovery and it almost feels like this sabotage has a life of its own. if i was making it up, this wouldn't be there. and yet, i was looking online at references abotu Courage to Heal (salon.com did an article there) and I can't believe the criticism and hate out there for us all. the most important thing is that this really really trips up my recovery process. and i feel like i have no control over it at all...
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Mending Soul
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Posted: Tue Oct 23rd, 2007 07:54 am |
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Makwa,
The only control any of us have is over ourselves...we can't control the past...or what was done or wasn't done...we can't control the media...or others who don't understand...we can't control other people's opinions of us...or their behaviors...or their choices...we can't control any of the hurt in our past...or our mistakes...
The only day we have any control over is TODAY and the only person we truely have any control over is ourselves...
That whole concept took me a few years to learn. Some days, it's still difficult when I realize I can not change the past...or fix my life history or change the people I love. But I can learn to become the adult who will love and nurture the hurt and confused child within in me that was betrayed and abused and lied to and taught to lie to herself. The confusion for me is a symtom of my fractured personality...due to the abuse.
What does your heart and stomach tell you? What does the little child inside tell you. I have never met one person who 'wanted' to 'feel' bad. If you 'feel' bad, there is a reason. Listen to the little child...she's the one who will tell you the truth.
I was worried for years about 'false' memories...so I decided to NEVER allow anyone to TELL me what my own history was...not ever again. That's exactly what my abusers did to me. I would decide what my history was. And now...so many years later...my history makes sense to me. The behaviors I had...match the abuse I suffered. But when I was going through the beginnings of feeling my memories...I use to get so confused and feel so afraid, I thought I was losing my mind. I needed to have a therapist to talk to...someone to help me sort out my own thoughts and memories. I had some 'bad' therapists...but over time, I learned how to 'tell' if they were no good for me. I had to learn to begin to trust my own 'gut' feelings...and to trust my own 'heart' and my own 'conscience'...and not to rely on another to define me.
I still have days of complete confusion...and of overwhelming grief...and of deep soul sadness and sorrow...and I even still have days when a frightening event triggers my rage...but I grow a little bit every day...and that's what matters.
And the only day I have to live through is today. One other thing I chose to do was to cut contact with my abusive family for a long time and I still retain boundaries because the abuse and 'brain-washing' was so horrible, I don't ever want to get 'sucked' in again. I've grown enough now that I am not 'afraid' of them anymore and I don't fear getting sucked in anymore...but I still have days when I feel the old 'fear' and those are the days when I'm dealing with the pain of memories or failures of my own.
Do what ever you need to feel better...because only you know what will help you and only you can decide when you want to reach out.
Trust in your own heart...it's been denied for long enough. I hope this helps a little.
Thank you for taking the risk of sharing the total confusion so many of us could not even put into words. You have strong courage.
You are in my heart and prayers tonite.
Cathie
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Makwa
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Posted: Tue Oct 23rd, 2007 01:12 pm |
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Once again, Cathie, this helps so much. Every time i cycle through the "this happened/I'm a liar" craziness I feel like I'm a little closer to believing myself. I want to keep this post close because it's so spelled out and when that particular wobbling happens and I can't find my own clarity, all i have to do is remember to look at this. I know what happened to me. I can't have my own babies because of what happened to me. I can't go to the bathroom normally because of what happened to me. I can be raped/violate/molested ANYWHERE and ANYTIME (standing in line at the grocery store, pumping gas, praying, having coffee with my friends, cooking for a feast) because of the PTSD i have because of what happened to me. I can't enjoy sexual intimacy because of what happened to me. Can't remember most of my life. the list of can'ts....
and yet i forget these things when i speak. they are real as long as i'm silent. i'm a liar if i say any of it. and my attention goes to being a liar and not wanting to be a liar. it's insidious. oh my god, what they did to us!!!!! the sex was the LEAST abusive part of the whole thing! THAT I could recover from, I KNOW I could! But this keeps me from any possible healing at all. it's a grind. it's factory work. repetitive, monotonous, both dull and distracting. sucks the life right out of a girl...
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Mending Soul
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Posted: Tue Oct 23rd, 2007 04:21 pm |
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Makwa,
Your pain makes my heart weep with you...I am so sorry your ability to give life physically was stolen from you...I hurt so much for your devastating losses...and your on-going suffering...
But your voice Makwa...your voice gives life to us...your soul gives life to us...your shared sorrow...and shared strength...gives life to us...life just oozes through your pain...
Yes...the utter desolation...the total despair...the complete bankruptcy of our souls...our minds...our hearts...our hope...our fractured and damaged personalities...the insidiousness and vilenss of the mental, emotional, psychological, psychic, spiritual and physical damage and life-time losses are incalcuable...and some days seem inescapable...but our voices...no matter what...our souls...no matter what...do not have to remain silent....and they are our hope...they are the rope that will lead us to victory...they are the hope that will rescue our damaged child-self...
Never stop speaking Makwa...because your voice is alive...your heart is alive...your soul is living and giving and caring and comforting and kind and loving and nurturing...You are still life.
In one of your other posts...you spoke of the tears you have for hot water...I have those same tears...and that same gratitude...I often think of those others who have nothing to eat...nothing to wear...no warm place to sleep...no place to stay dry...no where to get any medical help...no one to help them...no hot water...we are so very fortunate...in spite of everything we suffer...in spite of all the damage...in spite of our soul-wrenching pain...there are still gifts to enjoy...there are still kindnesses to feel...there are still things and others to bring us hope...for me...especially this site...
My arms and heart surround you today...in your losses...and in your joys...
Thank you Makwa...for your voice...your soul and your love.
Cathie
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