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adrienne
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Posted: Thu Jun 7th, 2007 11:45 pm |
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| Before this last group of memories I thought that I pretty much remembered what had happened to me. Then the new memories started coming up and I am realizing that I don't remember a year of my life. I have memories of before I was six (some abuse memories and some regular memories) and I think I remember most of my life from around seven on. But I'm missing about a year. That realization has been surprising and terrifying. I can only reason that I don't remember it because I can't deal with it yet. And that makes me not want to ever remember it and afraid of what I will be dealing with when I do remember.
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scw4survivors
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Posted: Fri Jun 8th, 2007 01:38 am |
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Adrienne,
I completely understand what you're saying. There are many years that I don't have a very clear picture of, and it's hard when those memories surface. For me, I see glimpses or flashes of things when I'm trying to fall asleep ... and I won't know what they are, but my feelings will tell me whether they're good or not (almost always not).
It's the curse of "remembering when you're ready." I used to wonder whether it was worth it to keep trying because it seemed like something else would surface just after I reached a new good place ... and I'd go through the yuck all over again. I learned that it was easier to go through the yuck if I told my husband what was going on and if I actually found the courage to leave a voicemail message for my therapist. I can also say that for me it has been worth it.
Hang in there ...
Susan
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stephanie
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Posted: Fri Jun 8th, 2007 03:03 pm |
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I have always remembered, at least I've not had any "new" memories. I just pushed all those thoughts away. I can distinctly remember being in my college dorm staiwell and suddenly realizing that there is a word for that and it is so awful I must never think of it again. Why all of a sudden I thought of that word I don't know, but for the next 15-20 years or so I pushed all those thoughts away- it was over, forget about it.
Now, in trying to sort it all out, I realize there is so much I don't remember about "normal" childhood. I have those 3 memories of weird stuff happening when I was 3 or 4, and yet can't remmber important things that happened when I was 6 - 7 years old. My sister was born just before I turned 6, and you'd think I was old enough to remember at least something about that. I don't remeber a thing about having a new baby in the house. The first thing about her is when she could talk, so I must have been 8 or so. Why can I remember awful stuff when I was 3 and yet don't remember my sister as a baby when I was 6-8 years old?
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Heather
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Posted: Fri Jun 8th, 2007 05:47 pm |
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| I think i remember all my abuse however, a lot of my memories are really muddled. i remember i told my last therapist that my gran died when i was about 15, but my gran was at my wedding when i was aged 22. I couldn't believe how I got that so wrong! it
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Lisette
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Posted: Fri Sep 28th, 2007 10:51 pm |
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I have several years missing from birth to 13 or 16. Its unbearable I think my whole life is composed of what I would like it to be and denying what it was really like.
I have started to remember - have memories visit me - memories from the past and its unbelievable. I cannot believe what I am remembering to be true sometimes.
It just seems like my worse nightmares. I don't understand why people treat each other like that. Its beyond my understanding of how I think humans should treat each other.
I find it harrowing evidence of the insidiousness of human nature. I can't understand it any other way right now. I feel like I have lost my hope and faith in others. I hope this is just a process of healing. But I just find people very selfish and self interested.
I am scared that I have lost hoped in human nature too.
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Annie
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Posted: Wed Oct 10th, 2007 03:47 pm |
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| My memories are muddled too. I thought I knew them all but I started having new nightmares different from the one's as a child. Then, I started forgeting early years all together. Finally I have been forgetting everyday routine things,important birthdays and getting days and appointments all wrong. Lately, recent new family fighting has tried to bring it all to light again. I have alot of anger but just feel numb. I want to forget and go on but can't because I want people to know not only what happened but to learn from it and stop all the abuse so it doesn't continue with future generations. We have lost too much already all of us. My daughter says " Mom let it all go. Don't let another day,hour or even a minute be controlled by your abuser." Thas easy for her to say but yet good to know she knows I am hurt. I could forget if my main abuser would stop his manipulating to this day. Love to all of you and prayers,Anne
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Letty
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Posted: Sat Oct 13th, 2007 01:14 pm |
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So interesting that this post came up about new memories.
I thought I had pretty much remembered a lot of what happened. But this week I woke up in the middle of the night with a nightmare.
It was dark and I was being pinned down, I think I was asleep, I woke up startled because someone was sitting on me, trying to fondle my breasts. I tried to resist at first- (in fact I woke up with a scream, fighting, trying to get away.) I don't think I fought in real life. In every memory I have I fight, I resist,(at least in my mind I am screaming NO) but then I freeze, it is like I just roll over and die. WHY? It is such a dichotomy to me. I see I was well trained to just do what I was supposed to do. Shut up and conform to the wants of him.
After I woke up, I didn't let them memory finish. . .I didn't want to see the rest because I know it didn't end with a little fondling. . .it never did. That wasn't enough for his appetite.
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