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~carmen~
Member
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Posted: Wed Sep 5th, 2007 04:39 am |
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This is my first time here, and I decided to join because I've been having weird experiences lately. I don't remember being raped, but I remember being molested by a few people. I remember watching my little sister get raped a few times. That is a horrible flashback that I get sometimes out of nowhere. As for me, last night I was making love with my boyfriend, and all of a sudden I turned off. My whole body started shaking badly. My hands went completely numb and i could barely move them. I started to cry because I felt a sense of fear within me. I don't know why. And then I realized that maybe I could have been raped. The feeling I felt last night was so familiar, but I can't bring a picture to it. I can't remember anything. I don't know where that feeling is coming from, and I get scared that I'm freaking out over nothing. I don't know how to approach that feeling, and now I'm scared to make love and get that feeling once again. 
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Letty
Member
| Joined: | Sun Aug 26th, 2007 |
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| Posts: | 35 |
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Posted: Sun Sep 9th, 2007 06:49 am |
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Carmen-
I too have had the "flashbacks". For many years I would just think, "Wow, that was a perverted thought", or "Geez, that was twisted." I would see these pictures in my mind, but never thought it was ME!
Even though I had always had this sinking feeling that I had been abused, I really didn't want ot believe it. On my 30th birthday, I had this flashback and knew it was not just a perverted thought, but that it was a memory. I processed it dealt with it and thought. . .well there you go-it's over now, you know the truth.
Little did I know that there would be a flood of memories and flashbacks flooding my life. I had always had intimacy problems with my husband and would occasionally 'freeze', blank out and then roll over and go to sleep. It was a pattern to my abuse. In order to survive, I froze, blanked out and then when it was over, I would roll over and go to sleep.
Don't fear that your freaking out over nothing! No one would ever make this crap up for fun, or attention. These flashbacks come at a time when we are able to deal with them.
I got to where I could feel a memory coming on. I would think of it like a wave. When you are in the ocean, body surfing and a wave comes, if you turn your back to the wave it plows you over. However, if you dive into the wave, you can ride it and be ready for the next one.
Tell yourself that it is OK to have this memory come up now, that you are safe, you are an adult and that you are choosing to be with your boyfriend.
I was raped by my uncle & glenn. (I don't call him dad. . .he doesn't deserve that title). Sometimes when I am with my husband I will still 'freeze'. I have to tell myself that I am safe in his arms, and that this is a healthy, loving relationship that I am choosing. Sometimes I have to stop for a minute and just cry. My husband holds me as I sob. When I acknowledge those feelings of fear, the flashbacks, or memories etc, they no longer control me. Fear comes from the unknown. My therapist has taught me that when I have something come to my mind to not cast it out, or freak out, but to just take a deep breath and say "Hmm interesting, I am open to whatever is trying to come up. I trust myself and my higher power to lead me through this, so here I am"
Often times when I would feel a memory surfacing, I would go to a safe place, with a safe person. I didn't want to be alone, I had already felt so alone throught the abuse, I didn't want to go through it again without support.
Sheesh, sorry to get so long winded! All my posts seem to be mini novels these days! 
Don't be afraid, flashbacks only surface when you are in a place to see them, the fact that you acknowledge what you have is a good step on the path of healing.
Lots of love! Letty
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TeresaJones
Member
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Posted: Sun Sep 9th, 2007 06:56 pm |
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Carmen I know exactly what your going through I just recently (within the last year) went through the same thing and I don't remember being raped either. I too was scared too but it was happening even when I wasn't making love to my boyfriend( now husband) that he was scared to touch me in anyway.
I'm gonna tell you what my therapist told me to do when I have these episodes/panic attacks. Ground yourself tell yourself everything that is in the room with you ( like the walls are purple or there are flowers in the corner one is red another is orange, or if you have a pattern on your walls from wallpaper count how many things there are.) it does help another thing that I found helps is telling yourself that YOU ARE SAVE NO ONE CAN HURT YOU. YOUR BOYFRIEND WON'T LET ANYONE HURT YOU. keep repeating this and it works.
Teresa
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