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scw4survivors
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Posted: Thu May 31st, 2007 12:34 pm |
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I don't know how it works for others, but, for me, my memories come to me mostly as glimpses of something as I'm trying to fall asleep. Usually the colors are not vivid; they're more muted. A couple of nights ago, I saw one of these glimpses, and it felt like it was in full color. I don't know what it means yet. Have you ever experienced anything like this?
I know it will be okay because it always is okay. It would be nice, though, if I could understand more quickly what these glimpses or flashes mean.
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stephanie
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Posted: Fri Jun 1st, 2007 07:59 pm |
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I have 3 memories from when I was about 3 or 4 years old. 2 are very similiar and are really just a picture in my mind. The other, I have a picture but also a few words that were said and hearing a car drive up. I never really thought much about these because they just didn't really make much sense to me. After all, would I really have been tied up? and there are not the feelings of fear, and being trapped, that are with the memories of my teen age years.
Most of the time I try not to think of any of it. When I told my mother, a few years ago, she actually confirmed my early memories - which now makes them harder to deal with as I had always told myself they couldn't have really happened. She had no idea about my the later stuff.
I don't know what to do with these memories.
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adrienne
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Posted: Tue Jun 5th, 2007 04:21 am |
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I've been dealing with a lot of nightmares and flashbacks these past couple of weeks. To add to the fun, I've also been having a lot of horrible body memories. I wake up from the nightmares feeling like I am being suffocated. And I FEEL what's happening and it makes me sick - literally. Today was the worst I think it's ever been. The body memories lasted nearly the whole day. I spent the day trying desperately to function while distracting myself from all of the intrusive thoughts and feelings. It's mostly new memory stuff. Glimpses and sensations that are kind of disconnected or in pieces right now. I've been working really hard not to panic, but both the experiences and the thought of what it all means is terrifying. I thought I wasn't going to make it through this morning. Luckily my counselor was in and she talked me through the worst of it over the phone. The new information has been horrifying. I feel like I'm in a state of shock over it. I am having a hard time believing that it could have really happened, but I don't know where else this stuff could be coming from. I don't want it to be true.
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Lorus
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Posted: Mon Jun 11th, 2007 02:30 am |
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| I thought I remembered everything about being abused. I never forgot, I just pushed them deep inside me and built a brick wall around them. When I started therapy, I had flash backs of things I didn't know about. I had pieces of flashbacks, I had images, I remembered certain pains. Sometimes things didn't make sense, and I wrote them all down. Eventually the pieces formed things that happened. I wrote everything down and in writing I stored them on paper and they stopped flashing back in my mind. I knew if I needed to I could read them from my journal. It was a way that helped me clear my mind.
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scw4survivors
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Posted: Mon Jun 11th, 2007 12:47 pm |
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Lorus, Thank you for joining us, and thank you for your wise words ... both here and in "Telling ... Can't get the words out."
We are not alone.
Blessings.
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Di
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Posted: Sat Jun 23rd, 2007 09:34 pm |
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Most of my memories have always been with me, but I was 17 when the first abuse occured. However, another odd way of handling things mentally has been there as a coping mechanism.
Things I have always remembered were sometimes shaded so as to not see them for what they really were. An example is when Bob tried to pimp me off on his best friend. I remembered seeing Charlie and him coming out of the shower naked and Bob asking me later how it all went but it wasn't until about 6 months ago that I could face the fact that he must have seen me as a whore and was truly trying to get me to sleep with Charlie. I didn't by the way. Mostly because Charlie was not a very proficient molester.
I think I was finally able to see Bob's full intent and view of me once I had stopped letting his actions define who I am. And the other day when I was telling someone about Minton (second pastor to abuse me) and how he almost immediatly began accosting me after I went to he and his wife for help, it hit me in a new way how horrible that was and how predatory. So even though I have always remembered stuff, the horror of it was often denied. I had to deny it since I let it define me.
I do have a memory though of when I was about 21 of some possible incest with my dad. I woke up one morning with this memory of his coming in my room and fondling my breast and then everything went foggy. There was one day during therapy when I woke up and knew it was true and went in to see my therapist as an emergency. But in a few hours the memory became a fog again.
I worked at it in therapy and eventually was able to accept the good parts of my dad's fatherhood which was largely good while being ok with not being sure of what did happen that night. Perhaps one day it will be clearer again.
Di
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Di
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Posted: Sun Jun 24th, 2007 06:09 pm |
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Well what an amazing happening today and it is due to having read this forum and given some thought to the issue with my dad.
I mentioned how I had this foggy memory of my dad coming into the bedroom when I was 20 or 21 and fondling my breasts. I remember waking up and saying with a questioning tone "Daddy?" then the fog gets thick, really thick. The next morning I woke up and remembered and wondered what else had happened if any of it had. I noted nothing was running out of me as in semen so I was probably safe there. On the way to the bathroom my dad called me into the kitchen. He was eating breakfast. He had this really weird look on his face and he started asking me questions like what I was doing that day and stuff that was pointless to call me into the kitchen to ask me at that point in the day. That memory of the look on his face was the one thing that always made me think it had happened but I never really new. He looked guilty and evil all at once.
Cheryl and I discussed the fact that it would be very odd for a father to suddenly start something like that when a kid was 20. She seemed to think it unlikely. Then one morning I woke up and the beginning of the memory was no longer a fog. I knew it had happened. I can't explain how I knew but it wasn't foggy and I knew. Then as the hours of the morning passed the fog closed back in and I have only had the memory of that happening and my trusting myself to go by.
I worked on it in therapy from that standpoint and got some freedom. I had shut out my dad's influence in my life emotionally and since he had been the soul giver of warmth in my life that was not good for me. I was able to, with work, let myself accept both the good and the mistakes and be ok.
Now for today. This morning in church during the offering I thought about this and said to myself, ok Diane, stop avoiding it and just look at it again and I did. Then for a split second I saw something. I saw myself turning over in the bed and and my dad going away and leaving me there. Then the window of knowing once again closed.
So after all these years is that what happened? It is very strange to watch my mind play these games to protect myself. The mind is truly a very powerful organ.
What really matters is that his coming to me was about HIM and not about me.
Di
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Lorus
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Posted: Sun Jun 24th, 2007 08:11 pm |
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| There were only a few things I didn't remember. I have pieces of things all over the place. I write them down in a section of my notebook called "pieces". When I think I have some kind of memory that one of those pieces belongs to I take it out of the section and put it with the memory. There's so much that has to happen in order for that piece to fit. Most of the things I remember and don't have to struggle too much in the fashion you just shared. Either way, it still hurts to be betrayed.
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TeresaJones
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Posted: Wed Jun 27th, 2007 02:46 am |
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| That is a good idea to do with your memories. I am still trying to figure my memories out, so until I can remember most of the stuff my offender is free to do what he wants when he wants while I look over my shoulder when I'm out. My nightmares are even worse though my husband has to wake me up from them cause they seem so real and I start to hit and kick. I never thought dreams/nightmares/memories could effect me the way those do, they literally paralyze me when I wake up.
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Di
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Posted: Wed Jun 27th, 2007 11:48 am |
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I never understood the power of our brain in response to trauma until it was me. You read about stuff but it isn't supposed to happen to you!
According to my shrink, things like this only surface as we become truly ready to deal with them. If he is correct, and he usually is, then at some level of your subconscious you are ready to deal with it.
I think it is important in the midst of all the pain to remind ourselves that doing what we are all doing takes real courage and we should be very proud of ourselves for every step every day.
Di
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adrienne
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Posted: Wed Jun 27th, 2007 04:07 pm |
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| Until last week I had been plagued by doubt and uncertainty regarding my memories and my recent decision to tell some of my family about the abuse. I kept asking myself - "What if I've got it wrong? What if it didn't happen the way I think it did? How can I do this without knowing all the facts?" I told my counselor that I felt as if I were trying to base my actions on this "connect the dots" picture I have, only I don't have all the dots. Her response has helped me find some peace amidst the doubt. She asked me "Are you 100% sure that your father beat you at least once? Are you 100% sure that your father molested you at least once?" I said I was and she replied "That's all you need." She said I don't have to remember every detail of every incident with 100% accuracy. She assured me that no one could do that - not even my father. She went on to tell me that I don't have to justify my claim to my family by trying to tell them every detail. She said that I could simply tell them that I remember enough to know that it happened. And that helped me a lot. It gave me a place to stand that feels firm and reassuring. Because I don't remember every detail of every incident. I do remember a lot. I remember enough for now.
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stephanie
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Posted: Wed Jun 27th, 2007 06:43 pm |
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| My therapist has told me the same. She'll tell me, just from what I do remember, does it really matter if I remember all of it. I remember enough to know it was abuse. I was/am always afraid I am making it sound worse than it was. In fact, for years I told myself it wasn't rape so no big deal. Now, I'm not so sure.
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Di
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Posted: Wed Jun 27th, 2007 09:50 pm |
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There is no way to make it sound worse than it was! Abuse is as worse as it gets. I have found that I tend to not recognize how horrible it was until I am telling someone else about it. Then it sinks in.
Di
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Lorus
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Posted: Thu Jun 28th, 2007 03:25 am |
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I know exactly what you mean Di, I keep thinking it wasn't that bad, then I write about it. I have it on paper and it can't be forgotten. And no matter how the violation happened, it is a big deal.
I heard an explanation I could under stand about how our brains work in remembering. I was told that we could only handle so much information at a time. This is the way we're built. Only bits and pieces come out when we're ready. My only question is why can't those bits and pieces be from the same puzzle. I have a few unfinished puzzles.
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cjay
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Posted: Fri Jul 20th, 2007 06:08 pm |
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Hello... I'm new!
Sounds like most people are in therapy....I am not. I have tried many times over 26 years to enter therapy. I find that I am worse while going through therapy then I am when I am not in therapy. My therapy has a direct negative impact on my family and my relationship with my husband. I am irritable, short, lack patience, depressed and emotional. For this reason I always stop going. Has anyone else experienced this? I want so badly to deal with my molestation, how I feel about it and how it negatively effects my life. I just don't know how to do it without having the feelings intensify to the point that they are no longer manageable. Anyone have suggestions on this. Has anyone heard of or tried EFT Emotional Freedom Techniques?
Thank you in advance for any feedback!
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