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AP319
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Posted: Thu Aug 21st, 2008 05:47 pm |
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Last edited on Tue Sep 16th, 2008 04:10 pm by AP319
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scw4survivors
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Posted: Fri Aug 22nd, 2008 03:54 am |
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Thank you for sharing this with us. I am so sorry for what you experienced, and I am so glad that you are finding your way in the world.
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Breaking the shell
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Posted: Sun Aug 24th, 2008 11:40 am |
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Dear AP319
You have a wonderful gift for writing and expressing yourself. Much of what you say I wish I could put as eloquently. I long to be able to express how I have felt and what I am going through now to those around me, but the words always jar and stick.
I admire your sentiments regarding healing more than just yourself. I can sense trails of dysfunction back through the generations on both sides of my family (for this I only have anecdotal evidence as all bar one of my grandparents died when I was small) and I too feel strongly that now is the time to stop the vicious circles.
My father died before I started remembering which I'm pretty sure was no coincidence. I doubt if I could have faced the truth when he was still alive, let alone him. I am always amazed and stunned by the strength and bravery of those who have been or who are able to face their abuser.
Can I ask if he is still alive? Have you confronted or talked to him about what happened either between you and him or in his youth? I hope this is not asking too much or being too intrusive. If it is then I apologise and please ignore me.
Julia
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AP319
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Posted: Sun Aug 24th, 2008 06:51 pm |
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Hi Julia,
Thank you for your kind response to my post. It's always hard to tell your story, and getting warm feedback like yours makes it a bit easier to open up.
My dad is still alive, and no, I haven't confronted him yet. I started remembering about 4 years ago and only had the breakthrough that told me who it was about 2 weeks ago. I'm still processing the pros and cons of confrontation, how to do it, where and what it may cost me to either do it or not do and if I'm OK with that.
I think I have to confront eventually in order to completely heal, and in fact, I don't think my dad can even fully heal from anything if he isn't given the chance to make amends for this. The problem is that I know he is a totaly different person now than he was then - for instance, he's gotten sober and admitted he had a problem and that he's terribly sorry for what his alcoholism did to me as a child. I'm not sure he fully remembers all that he did when I was a kid, and it will probably be devasting for him to hear this. As much as he hurt me then, as my story said, I suspect he is a good man with problems that far surpassed his ability to cope with them and without the strength or necessary supports in place to deal with them, he made some disasterous choices that he and I will have to live with for the rest of our lives. I truly have compassion for that, and I don't know just yet how to proceed. I'm giving myself some time to grieve and heal before I attempt it. I see a path ahead of us that may actually allow us to be a family, but ONLY if we're a family based on truth, accountability and healing. I'm just not sure how to figure out if he can meet me at that place or not yet, and how to present it in a way that demands accountability without assuming moral judgement. That's Gods role, not mine.
And no, on a board like this, you are not being intrusive or insensitive. I know that survivors like us have been taught that our questions/needs/concerns are a burden or unwelcome. Please don't feel that here, amongst people who understand. Your presence and questions are welcome, OK?
Anne
Last edited on Sun Aug 24th, 2008 09:40 pm by AP319
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Breaking the shell
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Posted: Thu Aug 28th, 2008 01:51 pm |
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Thank you for your very full and open reply. Take your time and I'm sure you'll make the right decision for you.
I am facing a similar decision regarding my mother. Although she didn't abuse me, she didn't protect me and reinforced (albeit unconsciously) the code of secrecy and denial. Am I ready to forgive her? Not yet.
I want to re-establish a relationship with her but it has to be based on truth.
I have written and rewritten loads of lines here and deleted them, about not wanting to tell her, either at all, or before I have forgiven her, so that she will not be hurt. And suddenly I realise that I am taking responsiblity for her again. I kept the secret so that the family should not be rocked. I carried the poison. But she is no less strong than me, why do I think she needs my protection? Is it because it gives me power, because it makes me feel important in a world where I otherwise feel powerless and completely unimportant?
Yes! I think it is. Power and protection are linked in a way I never appreciated before.
I know this is not at all your topic anymore, but writing this reply has done wonders for my understanding of my current situation. Thank you.
JuliaLast edited on Thu Aug 28th, 2008 01:51 pm by Breaking the shell
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