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Breaking the shell
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Posted: Mon May 26th, 2008 06:42 pm |
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My brother came to stay this weekend with his wife. Things were going well so I decided to pluck up the courage last night to tell him that I had been sexually abused by our father (who died 5 years ago). I guess I wasn't quite ready to tell anyone in the family yet, but if it wasn't now, I might have had to wait another year before anyone came out to visit me again (I certainly can't face going back 'home' yet).
So, in between shaking and quaking, I told him. And he reacted fine. He was caring and concerned, hugged me while I shook; but somehow it feels empty. I was fearing he'd reject the idea whilst at the same time hoping to feel relieved - but instead I feel nothing.
It feels as if I have been carefully carrying a stick of dynamite all my life and last night I showed it to someone who I desperately want to care for me. He didn't say 'That isn't dynamite' and he was concerned for me, so that's two good things; but I don't think he realised what the dynamite was.
My husband told another of my brothers a few months ago when they saw each other, and I've heard nothing from him at all.
I feels so wierd. I'm glad they haven't tried to deny it; but on the otherhand, if they had, it would show that they had at least heard what I'd said.
Do I just have to wait and hope it will 'sink in' or should I save myself more pain and give up hoping now?
Last edited on Mon May 26th, 2008 08:21 pm by Breaking the shell
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scw4survivors
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Posted: Tue May 27th, 2008 03:05 am |
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I know that telling a family member can be a very hard thing to do. I am glad that you were able to do that ... it seems like you wanted to tell.
One of the things about telling is that most people don't know how to react. It has helped me to tell people what I need from them. Sometimes what I need is simply to be believed; other times I want the other person to be proud of me for telling on him or sad with me that it had to happen at all.
Could you tell your brother what kind of response you need from him?
Just a thought ... and I am clearly not a professional at this.
I will keep you in my prayers.
Susan
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Breaking the shell
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Posted: Tue May 27th, 2008 01:00 pm |
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I was desperate to tell someone in my family. I want them to know what happened. I see it as a way to be 'me' rather than a pastiche of myself. We have no history of talking about things that matter in the family. Anything that isn't going well is either ignored or brushed over. This was the first time I ever showed him that all was not well. Once or twice I have tried going to my mother with problems but they were always dismissed so I also have little experience of opening up at any level.
You make a good suggestion about saying what response is needed. But I wish I knew. I thought it was just a hug and affection I wanted - well I got that and it wasn't enough.
Or am I just feeling horrendously vulnerable because I showed how hurt I am and said something nasty about our father? The night after, I dreamed he was 'coming to get me' for having told on him.
Now I think about it, what I want is someone close to me to fill what is missing inside me and I want someone to say its OK for me to be me, in such a way that I believe them.
But I realise these aren't things anyone else can actually do for me. These are things I have to do for myself, but it's so hard. Every step is like struggling through a bog of unknown size in thick fog and all the time a voice in my ear says 'you don't deserve to get out.'
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scw4survivors
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Posted: Wed May 28th, 2008 01:12 am |
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You absolutely do deserve to get out. I firmly believe you can, too, as long as you keep putting one foot in front of the other.
Yes, sometimes it's hard to ask for what we want because we don't know what we want. That's okay ...
Keep working at it. It can get better. Are you working with a therapist? Mine has be so incredibly helpful.
Hang in there ...
Susan
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Lorus
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Posted: Wed May 28th, 2008 03:03 am |
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I know when I finally spoke to my mother or anyone for that matter. I wanted them to hold me and tell me everything will be okay. I wanted them to curse my father and validate me. But that didn't happen with everyone. Some reacted by saying they're sorry this happened to me, others would say nothing only because they didn't know what to say. But I knew they heard me and after a while I was happy that I spoke.
When the voice tells you "you don't deserve to get out" tell that little voice, "it's too late, I'm already out and I'm not going back". I try to counter every negative thought with a positive one. After a while the positive thoughts get stronger.
Don't give up for you not only deserve to get out, but you deserve to live a happy fulfilling life, and you will.
Lorus
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Breaking the shell
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Posted: Sat May 31st, 2008 01:32 pm |
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Thanks Susan and Lorus for your words of understanding and encouragement.
A few days have passed and I feel calmer now, not least for having your responses. All my life I have felt so alone and that I have no right to unburden myself on anyone. Here I feel safe to do that and, although I hate sounding so pathetic, I'm pretty sure you'll understand (or if you don't understand you won't judge me). A few friends know that I was abused, but mostly I don't feel comfortable leaning on them or talking about it.
I do have a wonderful therapist who I appreciate more and more as time goes on. It is thanks to her and one or two others around me that this process is bearable and that I can keep moving forward (the knowledge that spending the rest of my life like this would be much worse helps too).
I told my brother; not long ago doing that would have been inconceivable. I do feel as if I have cleared a hurdle and cut one of the strings of dependance and impotence that bind me. So no matter what he heard or chooses to believe, that has to be a good thing.
I want to be held and told that everything will be okay; but most of all I just wish my fairy gomother would arrive and, with a flash of her wand, magic it all away, undo what my father did and give me a normal childhood.
Julia
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Kate
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Posted: Fri Jun 13th, 2008 06:33 am |
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Hello Julia
I'm new to this forum.
I fully understand your wanting your fairy godmother to wave this all away and give you a normal childhood. I suspect most of us survivors do. However, being philosophical and knowing that I am unable to change the past, I have come to see that my journey of recovery, painful and debilitating as it is, is also a source of a great deal of knowledge about myself and others. It's a deep journey I would not have otherwise undertaken.
I have learned and experienced things that I believe the majority of people never will. Good things, too. I sometimes look at people in shopping malls who seem to be avidly searching for something to buy, and I do wonder if they are searching for what us survivors have found within ourselves - our bravery, our strength of character, our capacity to love and understand, our compassion.
I often feel sorry for people who have not had any incentive to look inside themselves. They sometimes seem quite shallow. The survivors I have met seem to me to have depths that others lack. I don't mean everyone ought to endure what we did. On the contrary. However, our abuse has caused us to have a great battle on our hands for our souls and minds, and I believe that our souls minds are absolutely worth it. I also believe that my soul is so precious that I am prepared to spend my whole life doing my very best to repair any damage done to it.
Probably, I am able to say this at this moment because the pain has receded temporarily. It will come back again, though, and I then may not be feeling quite as magnanamous!
One of the good things that come from our degradation and pain, is the communication with others who understand us on a deep level. There are many people like us, and together we can form a very strong and supportive community. I wonder if the mall shoppers have this.
You seem to be a very brave soul. And bravery can save souls, believe me.
Bless you in your struggle.
Kate
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Breaking the shell
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Posted: Mon Jun 16th, 2008 02:42 pm |
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Hi Kate,
What words of wisdom! Inspirational. I love what you write about your soul. I remember the joy of finding mine again about 18 months ago. When I feel it burning insde me it gives me such hope and strength. It really is the most precious thing we have.
On Friday I told my third and last brother over the phone. He was lovely, caring and supportive. And like the other two he didn't ask for additional information but nor did he question it.
I find it so strange that these three men can so easily accept their father did something so terrible to his daughter, their sister. Do they have impermeable skins? The knowledge sitting on them like a drop of water that is unable to penetrate, but not brushed away?
I'm glad I've told them - I was dreading it for so long. I can now start learning to be myself with them, something I have never dared before. If they haven't rejected me over this, they are unlikely to reject me for lesser 'imperfections'.
Julia
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Kate
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Posted: Fri Jun 27th, 2008 07:50 pm |
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Hello Julia
I, too, find your brothers' seemingly easy acceptance of such an outrage quite odd. However, as you say, they have accepted their sister and how wonderful that is for you. And how very lucky they are to have you.
I lost my three brothers, my sister, my nieces and nephews, my uncles and aunts and cousins. None of them believe that my father could possibly have done what I said he had done. Mind you, they had heard for years from my mother what I liar I was, so she did the ground work long before she died.
My family now consists of myself and my daughter, and in her I am blessed. Looking back, I never was supported in ANY way by my family of origin at any time, so of course they weren't going to change a lifetime of behaviour and attitude to support me now.
I haven't had any contact with them since 1999 when our mother died, and apart from a little curiosity occasionally, I don't think of them much at all. The sense of relief I had to be free of their constant judgements and put-downs was so profound that it still outweighs any dreams I once had of a loving, caring family.
Perhaps one day your brothers may ask about your abuse. They may just need time for it to sink in. I know how long it took me to believe my own memory flashes! If they do ask, you can handle it; and if they don't ever ask, you will be able to handle that, too, I suspect.
Kate
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Breaking the shell
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Posted: Tue Jul 1st, 2008 01:24 pm |
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I don't know what the future will bring. I want my brothers to realise the seriousness of what our father did and how it has affected my life, but they too have built up protective emotional shells. I want to batter their heads against the wall, but I know from my own experience that if I do that, then the wall just gets thicker.
They all think I have had a wonderful, easy, succesful life. How do I explain the agony beneath the surface that I tried to hide even from myself? I can't accept most of it myself yet anyway.
One brother encouraged me to 'move on' because I can't change the past. This of course is what I'm doing, only to me 'move on' doesn't mean 'pretend it didn't happen'.
Another said he 'wouldn't tell anyone'. Someday I'm going to tell him how wrong this is, but not now. I want him to get used to the idea before challenging him on this.
I couldn't tell my brothers whilst I still looked to them for support, whilst I still hoped for that caring loving family of my dreams. It would still have hurt (and I'd have wanted nothing more to do with them) if they hadn't believed me, but I no longer need their belief to validate me.
Rather than concentrate on them, at the moment I am trying to work on my real enemy - myself. The part of me that wants to take away any progress I make, the part of me that says I musn't enjoy anything, the part of me that made me fall downstairs last week, tearing a ligament so I couldn't drive my kids on holiday. I say enemy because she sabotages my life. Things go well and then in she comes - only I never see what she's doing until after it's too late.
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Kate
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Posted: Wed Jul 2nd, 2008 08:48 am |
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Dear Julia
Please don't think of part of yourself as your enemy. That really isn't so. Your whole psyche is designed to protect your sanity. And it has done very well up to now, hasn't it? In spite of you perhaps feeling that you are starting to unravel.
It seems very important to you for your brothers to understand how utterly devastating this was for you.
I can also see there is someone inside you who desperately wants your attention and will do anything she she can think of to get it, ligaments and all!
Maybe, just maybe, that someone inside you is the little girl who desperately needs YOU to understand how utterly devastating this was for HER - how profound and massive was her virtual destruction at the time - plus all the consequences.
I have found through the years that whatever it is I really need from someone else, I usually want that from myself, first of all. After that, the responses from others don't seem to matter as much.
Just some thoughts. I hope they have some meaning for you.
Kate
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Breaking the shell
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Posted: Sat Jul 5th, 2008 05:48 pm |
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'Maybe, just maybe, that someone inside you is the little girl who desperately needs YOU to understand how utterly devastating this was for HER - how profound and massive was her virtual destruction at the time - plus all the consequences.'
Oh Kate, thank you.
With this you've summed up just how I feel, but I am so terrified of going there. I still want to pretend I can handle it, that I can cope. I know I want to cry, but every time I feel the tears coming my body reacts- I think he used to 'sooth' my crying in the only way he knew how. And then I panic in anticipation of the knife that is about to plunge into my heart, and everything is blocked.
I know she needs my love; but, apart from the memories, I'm also frightened that I will be consumed, taken over by the unhappiness that is my little girl.
Julia, trying to take one day and one step at a time.
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Kate
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Posted: Sun Jul 6th, 2008 10:38 am |
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Nope, Sweetheart. you can't cope - yet. This is absolutely huge. This is you getting in touch with that little girl you were, and her learning that there is a big her looking after her now. But the big her can't take it away - she can just be there to support and understand.
Even though she has to go through it again - she now has you there to support her.
There is a small exercise you may wish to do. Imagine the little you talking with the big you. Imagine the big you telling the little one that you now drive a car, and seeing her look at you with such admiration! Imagine telling her about how you graduated from school, how you now wear makeup and high heels (or something adult), imagine telling her how you are now a mother who is good at taking care of children. Imagine her being so, so admiring of you - the adult her.
This is a good way to bond and sellotape back together the bits of you that your abuser broke. You have all the power now, so just let your little one know. She is so, so in need of your love and understanding, and your adult power. Go for it!
You're well on the way.
Kate
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Breaking the shell
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Posted: Fri Jul 18th, 2008 05:51 pm |
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You're right. I can't cope yet and it felt so good to read those words that give me permission not to cope. I can't even imagine doing the exercise you mention. Not even there yet.
Julia
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Kate
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Posted: Wed Jul 30th, 2008 08:04 am |
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Julia, just by being alive and becoming aware of this means you are coping.
And, may I say, admirably it seems.
Don't forget that all good folk in therapy make best friends with their duvets! Just dive under it and stay as long as you can as often as you can. This is called "an extremely good coping mechanism". Truly! I know.
Go down and stay there as often as you want or need. It really is a coping mechanism. You have permission to do exactly as you think fit at all times.
There! You already know that, don't you?
Loves, Kate
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