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Alan
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Posted: Wed Oct 3rd, 2007 04:47 pm |
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As i sit back and listen to my friends make countless gay jokes, i cant help but to cringe over every second it is being told. For i am heterosexual, but my assualt was not. My uncle who often baby sat me when i was a child did things that still haunt me in my dreams. My situation is so tough and i fail to see the light at the end of any tunnel. As my assult caused problems that forced my unlce (with my dad) to take me to the hospital numerous times while i was young.
Today, i sit with the burden of knowing my father never did anything to take me out of these situations. The person who i was supposed to want to be like as i grew older, did nothing but put me in harms way of the harsh reality of life with no support system. However, i come from a upper class family, where politcally and finacially, they are able to get anything they want. I still am in awe that i became another toy or prize in their trophy case.
So often i want to tell someone, but the nature of the attack and the people i would be going against, scare me. I am strong, and finacially stable (thanks to my trust fund). However, the ramifications of my going public with such a case would make the news.
I just truly don't know what to do or how to do it.
Thank you everyone for listening. This is my first time ever putting something down and it helps.
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scw4survivors
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Posted: Thu Oct 4th, 2007 02:54 am |
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Alan,
I think we are almost all women, so we can't relate directly. Sadly, though, we understand too much.
I am proud of you for starting to speak. Have you thought about counseling?
Susan
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Lorus
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Posted: Thu Oct 4th, 2007 10:40 am |
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Alan,
Like most, the struggle to speak is the same. Like most, I have to weight the importance of what I'll lose and the worth of what I'll keep. What ever I choose, can I hold my head up high?
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Letty
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Posted: Fri Oct 5th, 2007 03:55 am |
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Alan,
I'm glad you could find a place to share. I too was assaulted by my uncle, (with my dad's assistance). I have often thought of calling the police to report the rapes from both of them. . . but where would I go after that? I have no one to corraborate my story and both of the jerks are well known and well to do in the community they live in. . . at this point for me, it would be emotional suicide. However someday. . .the truth will come out.
Wishing you much love and strength on your journey to healing.
Andrea
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Mending Soul
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Posted: Mon Dec 31st, 2007 05:52 am |
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Alan,
I don't think whether one has money or privileges... really makes the abuse any different...whether we are female or male...my experience has been that in spite of my deep need and desire as an infant...and child...and adolescent...and adult to be loved for me...my abusers all treated me as either a piece of property...or a financial advantage...or as a marriage 'right'...or as a 'thing' to be used and abused as they wished...and some of my abusers had money...prestige...community standing...were in the medical community...the mental health community...the political community...etc...the abuse was simply abuse...and the damage done was as complete as if it had been done by anyone else...how it affects me is as individual as I am...but my experiences so much mirror the experiences of others, I gain hope through our shared pain and our shared growth...
I call myself 'murdered soul'...because sexual abuse...and abuse of any kind does murder the very soul of the victim...and that is the depth of my pain...it goes to very depths of my soul...so I can identify with the enormity of yours...
My son was also sexually abused...and although I may never be able to know how his experiences have affected his adult life...he's in his late 20's and currently has no memories of it...although I have complete memories of it, since I attempted to press charges...I can only hope he will have the courage you have to reach out for help...I do know that he has shared over time some difficulties he's had in his sexual life...I wanted to explain 'why' to him...but he wasn't at a place to hear that...so I just listen and encourage and love him...
I think any jokes about anyone's sexuality are course and disgusting...not just the 'gay' jokes...but I do understand how even a 'joke' can bring up the interior pain of abuse and the shame and the hurt and the panic...and all that goes with what we all hold inside...
Keep reaching out Alan...I think you will learn over time, that there really are other men out there who hurt like you hurt...and women who hurt like you hurt...and that so many of us understand and can relate to you...and over time...you will, as each of us do, decide for yourself what you want to do, or not to do...
My soul circles yours in gentleness...you are welcome here just as you are....
Cathie
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