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Letty
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Posted: Fri Sep 21st, 2007 05:19 am |
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I didn't start have full memories until my birthday this year. I had just turned 30. It was approrpriate, because my first memory of abuse, was the day after my 3rd birthday. It was the day my brother was born.
I have told some of the memories to my therapist, some to my mom and some to my husband. I thought that I was done telling, but for some reason I feel like I need to keep sharing. It was like for a few months I viewed everything through the eyes of a very young child and was just weepy and scared. Now I am facing my 10 year old self, who was so shut down and beat down. She hasn't gotten to share yet. I'm not sure if I am afraid of new memories coming up, or if I'm afraid of draggin on and on. Why do I feel like I need to keep talking about the memories? I thought I "should" be focusing on the "healing" part, but right now. . .I feel like I just want to tell, and keep telling? WHY? Do you ever get past the telling? Why am I trying to rush pass the telling part?
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Lorus
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Posted: Mon Sep 24th, 2007 03:07 am |
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| Letty, I can tell you the biggest part of my healing has been talking about what happened. I thought about it hundreds of times, wrote about it until my hand felt numb. Talked to my therapist, then finally to others. I think for me it was facing it and knowing it couldn't hurt me anymore. Sometimes the only way to get to that point was to constantly think, write or talk about it.
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Letty
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Posted: Mon Sep 24th, 2007 06:13 am |
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Lorus wrote: I think for me it was facing it and knowing it couldn't hurt me anymore.
That's it! It hit me like a ton of bricks!!! I keep thinking that to talk about it is to dwell on it. While at the same time I can hardly say the words incest or rape. There is too much pain and shame still there. I'm not needing to talk to garner attention or be selfish or stay stuck (these are all things I think or have thought). I'm talking to expell the words, the memories the shame, blame and guilt that I have so that it won't hurt me anymore. Thanks for sharing.
LOL-Andrea
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adrienne
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Posted: Thu Sep 27th, 2007 04:23 am |
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| i'm right here with you on this one! A couple of months ago I finally broke through my protective walls enough to write some about my abuse, but I still can't SAY those words. I hate them. I can't stand to see them or to hear them and I cringe when someone says those words while speaking about my experience. Why do those words have so much power over me?? Is it because I haven't spoken them?
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stephanie
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Posted: Sat Sep 29th, 2007 04:36 pm |
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| I, too, can't say or even read certain words. I still freeze up if I need to say one of those words in therapy, and my mind seems to skip over them when reading. I can't even write them.
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scw4survivors
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Posted: Sat Sep 29th, 2007 05:48 pm |
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It took me quite a while to accept that the term "incest" applied to what happened to me. I didn't like that at all. I think that is part of why it was important to me to call this site SurivingIncest ... incest is, in my case at least, a correct term for what happened. I didn't choose it ... I would never ever choose it; nor would I wish it upon anyone. But, I knew the day I could read the word incest and type the word incest and even say the word incest out loud (which is still hard) ... well, the days I can do those things are days that he doesn't have any power over me.
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