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scw4survivors
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Posted: Sat Jul 14th, 2007 12:00 am |
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I agree that telling is more important that looking someone in the eye. Of course, it would be even better if we could do both. 
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Di
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Posted: Sun Jul 15th, 2007 04:03 am |
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Talking is the most important, in my opinion. I noticed something you said Lori. You said you were ashamed of the shame - that you couldn't let anyone see it. Maybe that is where you need to start, start telling yourself it is quite normal to feel the shame. We were all swallowed whole by it. I wouldn't worry about the eye contact - accept your inability to do it right now and realize it is ok to be right where you are. I usually find that doing that is what allows me to stumble into more freedom. I have to be careful to not push myself too hard or I flip back into more shame for not being where I think I should be. When I accept myself for where I am, I often find myself free.
I do hope this makes sense.
Di
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Lori
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Posted: Sun Jul 15th, 2007 04:34 am |
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| Thanks Di and it does make sense. I can handle any emotion, but I can't handle shame. And yes, I'm ashamed of being ashamed. It's like layers and layers all on top of each other. I have been having so much "aftermath" from telling recently. I was not prepared for how it would effect me. My roommate came upstairs into my room this morning and I was crying. We talked for a few minutes and then she asked me why I had stopped crying, why I kept controlling it in front of her, and I really couldn't answer her. I hate for anyone to see me cry (or as I call it...to fall apart). My roommate knows my whole story. We have been roommates now for 5 years. Her Mother is also an incest survivor. My roommate says that she has learned a great deal from me and now understands her Mother much more. The past few months have been so intense. I am flooded with my own questions, and some of it makes me angry, I keep wondering why I can't break through, get past, I feel so stuck. Telling has actually made old issues resurface. I guess they had been there all along but I had surpressed them. YUCK....YUCK....YUCK.
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evie
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Posted: Wed Jul 25th, 2007 06:48 pm |
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Hi Adrienne,
Please know that I know exactly how it feels to live with self-loathing. I was molested from the ages of seven to thirteen - EVERY WEEKEND - by my step-grandfather. In addition to all the typical symptoms of being a survivor, I have this hang up with older men, for obvious reasons.
That might not be a big deal except I just woke up and realized I'm 42. My son was born almost eight years ago and he became my raison d'etre (french for "reason for being), which has been unhealthy for both of us. Yes, I have been the quintessential doting mom and between my job as a teacher and being mom, I have done nothing for me. My friends, family and even my son's pediatrician warned me against not having adult relationships. I do have friends, but I had not dated for almost nine years.
Four months ago, I met a guy who is 27 and fell madly in love. Surely, all that loneliness had something to do with it, don't you think? Anyway, it is now over and I am devastated. I don't think I've ever been the one who was broken up with before and it through me over a cliff. Fortunately, my ex-boyfriend taught me much about living in the moment and to not worry and, quite importantly, not to push people away who care about me. That is, unfortunately exactly what I did with him and have lost a great deal because of it. Granted, he is not without fault, but I could have done much better at having any trust at all.
So, now, after a week of crying harder than I ever have in my life, (which, incidentally, I could not cry before having met this guy), I walk away with a genuine desire to finally heal, to finally come to terms with my trust issues.
I hope this helps. Good luck, Evie.
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scw4survivors
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Posted: Wed Jul 25th, 2007 08:02 pm |
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Evie,
I am proud of you for making a commitment to keep moving forward. I know the end of your relationship must have hurt. At the same time, though, you have chosen to find good things in it ... you've made a choice to do something for yourself.
My prayers are with you. Keep moving forward one day at a time ... one small step at a time.
Susan
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Makwa
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Posted: Sat Sep 29th, 2007 06:42 pm |
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| I have often felt like i wanted to tell but i can't get the words out. they don't come. there are no words. sometimes i think it's because i didn't have words for what happened when it was happening. i didn't have the vocabulary. i didn't have the brain development. and what i want to say is solid and i can't break it down to get it out. like when something happened to me, the whole of it lodged into my being somewhere and the whole of it just can't come out and it's scary to let go of my control to let it come out the way it will, without my editing or censoring the thing at all. Because once it's out, you can never take it back. And that scares the heck out of me.
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Annie
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Posted: Mon Oct 22nd, 2007 02:59 pm |
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| I finally did get the words out at 45 years old and nobody likes the cold hard truth and the words molestation,manipulation and rape. It is graphic and bold,but it should talk for itself but it doesn't. Youth today are callus and the abuse,drugs and violence is more open and prevalent than ever before. They have lost their compassion for those abused because they have been abused too. It is the me generation and everything is acceptable. There is nothing but contempt for those of us who still care and want to get rid of the dysfunctional family. I guess we are suppose to not only accept what happened to us but keep a blind eye to everything. But I know we couldn't and wouldn't do that. Those of us speaking out not only care about ourselves but have seen the damage done and we want to put an end to it. We want the future generations to have better. We want the molestation,raping,drugs and violence to stop. We know that money,power and pleasure are evil. We have seen to many ruined lives. A child should have a right to a safe environment free of forced sex,drugs and violence. Just how many deaths from suicide, drug overdoses and drug abuse or from violence are we suppose to witness? Someone should be responsible but nobody is volunteering and nobody cares. There isn't even a full investigation from police anymore. All of us victims need to be a voice for those who don't have one anymore or don't have the courage to speak up and we need to applaud those people young and old for speaking out and knowing right from wrong.
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Mending Soul
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Posted: Tue Oct 23rd, 2007 03:35 am |
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Annie,
Like you...my heart weeps for the victims...and the blindness and evil of today...and like you...I've finally begun to find my voice...it has taken 29 years...the first time I went to therapy...I was 20 years old...and completely unable to hear the words...much less say them...it has taken time...and therapy...and 12-step programs...and mental health treatments...and spiritual guidance...and I made so very many mistakes along the way and trusted the wrong people so many times...but with out the risks...and with out the possibility of pain...I will never feel joy...and I want the joy. I want the joy so much it hurts.
I have this dream of creating a script for a movie of what an abuse victim goes through to recover and re-claim her life...the damage done to her...by the abuser...the police...the legal systems...the medical systems...and the on-going life stuggles when one has PTSD...of failed jobs...failed educations...failed marriages...failed recoveries...damaged children...so that the real world will see what the violence and drugs and illicite sex and the power and money and evil the world are doing to the victims...and to the world...but I don't know if I will ever write the script...or make the movie...but it sure helps to have a dream of it some days...
I am 49 and still struggle daily with 'asking' for help...like all of you...I was the only one I could ever depend upon...and that is a hard thing to unlearn...trust...like you all say...and facing the shame...and facing my own neediness and lonliness...so hard...so uncomfortable...so painful...
My heart is with all of you...I understand and identify with each writer...I like the safety of this site...I know we only have to get through today...and each day we learn to do something new that we've never done before...we are healing....
I would just like to experience one day of joy...one day of no memories or no fears...one day of no self-loathing...or rage at others...one day of no regrets or profound sadness...one day of no pain...no tears...no soul sorrow...one day of joy just because I'm alive...it's been so very, very long for me since I have felt joy...not only have I been dealing with the PTSD of abuse...but have had multiple medical issues and am chronically ill and disabled...I believe the abuse led directly to my health issues...but I still would just like to experience one day of total joy...I hope that day comes some day...
Until then...I only have to get through this day...this hour...this minute...
Thank you for listening.
Cathie
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Makwa
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Posted: Tue Oct 23rd, 2007 12:55 pm |
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| (((((Cathie))))). (((((all of us))))). I'm 48. I'm struggling with physical health issues that i, too, attribute to the abuse. Cathie, what you wrote could have been written by me. All i need to do is say DITTO. And the way the world is, with all the madness in it, I too need to be joyful. Lately it has become something of a requirement for me. I am in excruciating and chronic pain with back problems and i remember the turning point for me was climbing into the shower back in March. And i could just turn a knob and i had hot water (about the only thing that soothes this pain) and i though about the millions and millions of people that DON'T have this luxury adn i just started crying because i was so grateful that i did. Now I make a commitment to engage my life with a sense of joy because there is so little of it in the world. the scales are woefully tipped. and i believe it matters. that for us to aim for joy matters in the bigger picture. When i was a kid it was a rarity that someone would honk their horn and fly into a rage in traffic. Now it's a rarity for someone to allow another in, or stop for a pedestrian. Or smile. So I do what i can because i want to be joyful. I want to live in the world we've been given, not the one we made a mess of.
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Annie
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Posted: Wed Oct 24th, 2007 04:23 am |
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Makwa,
I didn't mean that to you or anyone specifically on here. I meant society in general and to our molesters. I am proud of everyone on here for coming out. My heart goes out to you too, all of you. I have always tried to be positive and do good works and I did as a mom, an aunt, a daughter an LPN etc. But my body is broken too and I am now disabled too. I just am upset because in the last few weeks we have lost 2 family members to drug and alcohol overdoses. There is 3 more dying from it and potentially many more. 2 years ago after my heart attack we lost 3 back then. One was my brother who had been horribly abused too.The list goes on and on and many of it stems from these victims trying to self medicate the pain of molestation away. I have tried to write a book but just can't seam to get the words out right when it comes to the actual abuse. Writing on here has been my first real try because I feel more comfortable with all of you guys and know that you all have experienced what I have first hand. Love,Anne
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Makwa
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Posted: Wed Oct 24th, 2007 12:46 pm |
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| Dear Annie, Oh my goodness. Our losses are untold. I am amazed by what all we have in common. As i get older and talk with other older survivors, our commonness is more than coincidence. How many of us are writers? Artists? How many of us are disabled, -ooh i hate that word. How many of us are fighting to heal? How many of us, after all of this, continue to move forward. We are a tenacious lot. I started writing my memoir two years ago. Got 180 pages. Got great support and good feedback. But it is missing something critical. It has no narrative. I looked at one of the editors and said I don't have one. I haven't written a word since. Not because I'm giving up. Because I'm looking for my narrative. How many of us are artists that can't get the painting out? Writers who have their story locked inside them but can't get the words out? Sculptors, like Cathie. Poets. Musicians. I listen to all of you and realize part of my healing requires me to allow the artist to emerge. Because we are amazing. We could easily be a support group for creative geniuses!!! I learn so much from this site. From all of you. Thank you all for your generous words here. You inspire me.
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Mending Soul
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Posted: Wed Oct 24th, 2007 04:09 pm |
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Makwa,
You are so right...we have been given so many gifts through all the pain and suffering...I so want to paint or do sculpture again...somehow, I have to give myself permission to create again...it's been so many years since I've allowed myself to do that...
It's so funny...after I woke up this am...all I could think of was the things I wanted to create...our minds seem to be in the same place today...I don't think it's coincidence...I think the more we share...the more we release the creative energy within ourselves...
Thank you for your wonderful post today.
Cathie
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Annie
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Posted: Wed Oct 24th, 2007 07:12 pm |
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Mawka,
Thanks so much for your words of encouragement and caring. It seems like we all really get each other on a level nobody else ever has. I think we should all get together and do a documentary and how it affects your whole life like Cathie said. I have heard from my abuser and others how they didn't think it should affect our whole lives and then they always try to minimize it to saying it was nothing like comparing it to playing doctor, or saying they ended it because they care. What kind of gullable bs is that anyway?HAHAHA. I am so glad we are all older and wiser now and like you said more empathetic. We are all beautiful human beings who have only just began to blossom. Love,Anne PS my son always makes in fun of me because I tell people to write a book, but I do believe everyone has a story worth reading 
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