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dani
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Posted: Tue Jun 12th, 2007 09:52 pm |
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| hi i am new here and have read all the posts. after doing so i don't feel so alone now. everyone of you are truley amazing people. i have only discussed what has happened to me in the past with one person, but i made sure that it was online. i am still afraid to admit what happened to me out loud. i wish i could be where you all are. but i am still so afraid to pick up the phone. i panic every time i try to set up an appointment with anyone. i just want to say that you all give me hope that one day i can get there. thank you for that!
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adrienne
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Posted: Tue Jun 12th, 2007 11:03 pm |
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| I gave my counselor some of the stuff that I have been writing - some memories, some nightmares, a story, a poem, things that are bothering me but that I don't yet understand. I wish next week was here already so I didn't have to wait to get her response. I'm nervous. She assured me (again) that she would not think badly of me after she read it. Cognitively I know that; I just can't seem to BELIEVE it. It's humiliating for me right now to share what happened. Though I am trying not to, I still feel a lot of shame about it. Not because I still think it was my fault but because I feel so USED.
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stephanie
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Posted: Wed Jun 13th, 2007 12:19 am |
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Dani,
I want to tell you that you have made a start be telling even 1 person, even online. I completely understand how hard it is to say it out loud. There are still certain words I just can't get out. About 4 years ago, a good friend realized something was wrong, and she somehow guessed ( she had similiar experiences) and I could not "tell" her anything, she just asked questions that I could answer with a yes or no. I didn't really "say" anything but the secret was on it's way out of the closet, finally.
Hang in there, you're on your way.
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dani
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Posted: Wed Jun 13th, 2007 12:26 am |
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Stephanie
thank you for the encouraging words.
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scw4survivors
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Posted: Wed Jun 13th, 2007 01:09 am |
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Welcome, Dani ...
I'm glad you've joined us.
Susan
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scw4survivors
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Posted: Wed Jun 13th, 2007 01:12 am |
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Adrienne,
I will keep you in my prayers ... for calmness as you wait for your next appointment. Many times I've left my therapist stuff written down that I just couldn't say out loud. I know how long that week can be.
Could you call her and ask for a response? And, you wouldn't have to answer when she called you back ... you could wait and listen to voice mail. That has worked for me sometimes.
Blessings,
Susan
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Lorus
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Posted: Wed Jun 13th, 2007 04:16 am |
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As my therapy began I never realized I had a lot of defenses that stopped me from talking. Crying was the biggest one. When I started to talk about certain things, I'd have panic attacks. I'd actually head out the door, with an understanding therapist who calmed me down enough to get back and continue. She would only continue if I wanted to. I did two things that helped me to keep talking, one was to write down everything that came to my mind. No matter if it was one word or five pages. I would bring this with me to therapy because I didn't talk, but I could read. The other was to remember that my and any therapist is supposed to keep our words to themselves. As time went the amount of spoken words grew.
I'm 48 and I'm glad to see more people posting tonight. The more words that are spoken the easier it gets.
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dani
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Posted: Wed Jun 13th, 2007 05:14 am |
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| i think that for all of us that have been through this, it is a hard road to travel to get to the point where we can say anything out loud. for me it's the whole trust thing, i am so afraid to trust someone with this. i have told one person but i am afraid to say it out loud or face to face with anyone. then there is still a big part of me that feels like i did something to cause it all to happen, that i was at fault for all that happened. then there is the whole you don't discuss what happens or is said in the house to outsiders or you will be punished. so i felt that this was one of those things that didn't get talked about. so i guess holding it in for 20 some years, it is hard to talk about.
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Lorus
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Posted: Wed Jun 13th, 2007 05:39 am |
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It's very hard but you have to proceed at your own pace. I hardly ever spoke in therapy. I never trusted anyone, and after 2 1/2 years I still don't completely trust anyone. I have a therapist who somehow gently brings things out. There where times when I wouldn't answer until two weeks or sometimes two months later.
I also came to understand after a while that abusers can continue to abuse because they plant that fault seed inside a childs head, or the fear, "don't tell, I'll hurt you" or "I'll go to jail". Imagine saying this over and over to a child, sooner or later the child will start to believe it. And of course, you'll never discuss it outside of the family. This is part of the abuse. As often as it was said to me as a child, I say the opposite as an adult. I eventually came to understand. The feelings still come back every once in a while. When they come back I repeat who really was at fault. It takes time.
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scw4survivors
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Posted: Wed Jun 13th, 2007 02:29 pm |
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There's a lot of wisdom here ... thank you for sharing, Lorus. Dani, it is absolutely okay to proceed at your own pace. You can be in charge. Take care of yourself. While it is scary and hard, I think that good ultimately does come from getting it out. It takes a lot of energy to keep everything inside. And, the truth is that you are not to blame ... your abuser is the bad one ... your abuser deserves all of the shame and guilt ... it is NOT your fault.
In the meantime, be assured that you are not alone. We're all here ... struggling some days, soaring others. We're all here.
Blessings, Susan
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adrienne
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Posted: Sat Jun 16th, 2007 05:27 pm |
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I emailed my counselor Wednesday morning and asked if we could schedule a meeting sometime before the week was out. We had the meeting yesterday morning. I was very anxious going in. A lot of the stuff at the beginning of the meeting is still a little foggy - I was in major self-protection mode! - but it was positive and reassuring. She said she'd had a pretty good idea of what had happened, but that it had helped a lot to read it from my perspective. She said she felt that writing it was good for me (it was). We talked about a lot of different things (I actually talked!) and I think she and I both have a better idea now of what things I need to address in order to move forward in my healing.
One thing that needs to happen soon is that I write a letter to my mom setting some boundaries for any continued correspondence. I think I mentioned before that I have told my mom that dad abused me. It did not go well. She sent me a 7 page typed letter defending him and herself and refuting the physical abuse. She did not address the sexual abuse. She did say and has since maintained the attitude that it was a long time ago, I need to get over it, and I'd better not tell anyone. The not telling part has been often insinuated but never said directly. I told her that I was not interested in having any contact with dad for now and that if/when that changed I would let her know. She has not respected that wish. So... I'm writing the letter explaining very clearly the guidelines for any continued relationship. What this basically means is that my relationship with my mom (who I dearly love, despite being very hurt right now) is going to be cut off. Because she has already made her choice. She's been making the same choice my whole life. I have just never required that she acknowledge it before. I am still holding on to the tiniest sliver of hope that she might step up and be the mom I've always needed her to be. The little girl's fantasy I guess. We both know it won't really happen.
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scw4survivors
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Posted: Sat Jun 16th, 2007 07:31 pm |
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Adrienne,
I'm glad you were able to tell your therapist some more about what happened to you; I'm proud of you. I'm proud of you for writing a letter to your mother, too. I'm so sorry she can't be the mother you need her to be ... it is okay to take care of yourself. I will keep both of you in my prayers.
Remember that none of it was your fault. Your father did things he should not have done. Your mother is making bad choices. I am so, so sorry that you are caught in the middle.
It sounds like you do have a good therapist; I glad for that. Hang in there ...
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Lorus
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Posted: Mon Jun 18th, 2007 05:24 am |
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Adrienne,
I'm glad to see your standing up for yourself and telling your parents what you want. I know how it feels to want to fulfill that little girls fantasy, it's too painful at times. But hang on to that little sliver of hope, I've been hanging on my whole life. Only problem for me is since I was neglected in the mothering area I won't know when it's real. I too cut ties with my mother, I want to go through the healing process with people who support me and care. I want to be with people who aren't phony or hide the truth. I want to be with people who make me feel alive.
As far as having to get over it! And not telling anyone! If my mother or anyone told me something like that I'd tell them the only thing I'm getting over is a piece of paper and writing everything down so I can tell everyone what happen to me. This is just what I'm planning on doing, writing my story in book form.
Victims are silent! Survivors are not!
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Di
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Posted: Sat Jun 23rd, 2007 04:46 am |
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Well I am almost 52 but you don't really know me unless you read some on my blog but maybe you did because there is a link on this site to it - prodigaldaughter-di.blogspot.com = and I am getting hits to it so thank you.
When I began therapy 7 years ago the shame was so thick that it made me want to throw up, I wanted so very badly to know someone, anyone, who had actually made it through it all and gotten to the other side. I just wanted to know it could happen, that I would survive the process, and wasnt' the only hurting person out there.
Does my abuse not being at the hands of a family member disqualify me? I have one memory of my dad touching me as an adult. It is very foggy and I remain unsure as to its reliability. I know the younger and closer a perpetrator is the more damaging it is so I don't want to come off as some kind of know it all because I will always be a learner and I know what I faced was not nearly as bad as a father molesting his daughter. Can I still offer you hope?
I say all this because the shame can be defeated. I remember struggling for a very very long time to just say some of the stuff out loud. At first I just kind of alluded to it, then slowly I got more detailed and specific. Eventually I came to the place that I can rattle it off with no shame, though I am careful as to what the other person can handle if they aren't a shrink. If you want to hear some of it tell me. Maybe it would help to hear me tell the details.
But it didn't happen overnight. It seemed like an eternity before some of the shame began to crumble. I heard one of you say you might need to be in therapy the rest of your life. I used to put a time limit on myself and then I felt so ashamed because I knew I wasn't going to reach it. I had to go directly into my masters program in education because I could not let go of my therapist when it was time to graduate. In the end I saw her for 5 1/2 years and we still keep in touch though the dependency is gone - I think. Finally I was able to accept myself being messed up and if it was for the rest of my life then so be it. If seeing a therapist helps me then I will see a therapist until I die.
Do you judge me for that? I bet you don't. I bet you have plenty of grace for me. Then why not for yourself? If it is ok for me to see a shrink for the rest of my life then why not you? Try telling yourself what you would tell me. Say it over and over every time you are hard on yourself. You will be amazed when you find yourself actually cutting yourself slack without having to work at it - but at first you really have to work at it.
There is life without the shame. I know because I have defeated most of it. Many days pass now without the shame. Every once in a while it finds me but only for as long as it takes me to talk myself through it.
It is ok if you can't look in your therapists eyes. You are sitting there in her/his presense. That is a big start. Have you patted yourself on the back for that? What courage it takes - I know.
Maybe you could talk about it and then try to just sit there and look at her for 10 seconds. And then next time for 20 and then a minute. Maybe you could look at her and talk about the weather. Whatever you try make sure you talk to her about the fact that you can't look her in the eye! The transference in it is a powerful tool for both of you to use. Perhaps it is not her you can't look at. Maybe it is yourself, or your mom, or someone else?
I found so much compassion and acceptance in the eyes of my therapist. When you can, I bet you will find the same. If it takes more time then it just takes more time. You are not under anyone's time table but your own. Celebrate the fact you are there.
I mean that next to the last sentence. You don't have to please anyone. It is ok to be you and your healing is yours and no one else's. Maybe you can glean something from my experience and maybe you can't. That doesnt' mean anything but you are you and have our own path and healing and timing to find.
I often tell myself when I am in the pitts - "It is ok to be screwed up." and I mean it. It is ok.
Di
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Lori
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Posted: Fri Jul 13th, 2007 11:30 pm |
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| It's been awhile since anyone posted to this topic....but having just disclosed last week to the man I'm seeing....I have to comment. "Looking in the eye". WOW. I still can't do that when disclosing face to face. At one point during last weeks disclosure my friend told me, "You can look at me while your talking to me." But I couldn't, and I explained to him that it was the "shame" of what happened that keeps me from looking at him while talking about it. I can look anyone in the eye when discussing any other subject. But if I feel ashamed about something, then no matter how hard I try, it's not happening. I still don't look my therapist in the eye. I do hope that at some point I will be able to manage the directness of eye contact when talking about my experience with incest. But I also don't beat myself up about it. I keep thinking that once I work through some of the other "bigger" issues I have maybe it will start to be easier. I don't want anyone to see my shame. I know that. I just wanted to comment and say, "Talking and disclosing is hard, but looking in the eye is harder." Which is more important? I say it's talking and disclosing. Just my opinion.
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