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adrienne
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Posted: Tue Jun 5th, 2007 08:46 pm |
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| I want to tell. I want to talk to my counselor about what happened to me. I know that she is willing to listen. She has tried to reassure me that she will not be repulsed or disgusted by me (like I am toward myself) if I decide to tell her. I can't believe her yet. When I think about what happened, it makes me sick. I try hard not to, but I hate myself because of what happened. I don't want her to think badly of me. I have tried to take that leap and share with her what was done to me, but the words will not come out. I have tried to write it down. I have tried to type it. I have tried to draw it. I can't. I can write all around the details, but I can't say what he actually did. It feels stuck inside my head. Sometimes I feel as if my head is going to explode with the force of everything that will not come out. I just don't know how to get through this. I don't know how to find the words to describe what happened.
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scw4survivors
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Posted: Wed Jun 6th, 2007 04:14 am |
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All the things you're saying ... I've been there. I know it's hard. If you trust your counselor, please let her know somehow. I didn't want to say it because I didn't want her to think I was bad and I didn't want to be disgusting and I didn't want it to be true.
I finally wrote it down and handed it to her and asked her to read it. That's how I got it out the first time.
Please hang in there. Please get it out. It takes energy to keep it in; you can use that energy to heal if you can get it out.
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adrienne
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Posted: Wed Jun 6th, 2007 04:16 pm |
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| Thank you...for your support and understanding and for being here. It means so much to me to finally be able to feel like I'm not alone, to know that there are other people out there who know what I'm going through. I feel much stronger to know that I am not alone and being able to communicate with you and others who have been where I am and made it through gives me hope for myself.
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scw4survivors
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Posted: Wed Jun 6th, 2007 04:26 pm |
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Hang in there ... you are NOT alone.
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Heather
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Posted: Wed Jun 6th, 2007 06:16 pm |
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| Hi Adrienne, just wanted to say that you are not alone! I too struggle to talk to my therapist. Some weeks i go there and sit and say nothing, its just seems a huge struggle for me. But the way i see it is i've been quiet for 30 years so its not going to be easy to suddenly start talking. Its all about taking baby steps, we will get there in the end x
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stephanie
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Posted: Thu Jun 7th, 2007 01:53 pm |
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I, too, have a lot of trouble getting words out. and some words get stuck in my head and go swirling around but get stuck when I try to say them. I just freeze up. Sometimes I can write a few words down and then my terapist helps me to talk about it.
In fact, in a few hours I have an appointment and I have asked my husband to come. (he has come with me before) He knows most of what happened, and he was with me 4 years ago when I told my Mother, but he said something a few mornings ago and I realized it was almost exactly what my brother said to me. Now my brother didn't do anything, just asked, but my husband doesn't know about that incident. I don't know if I can talk about it and let my husband know what triggered me. I am afraid I'll freeze up and not be able to talk. Just thinking about it and my heart is pounding.
Adrienne, everything you wrote is so familiar, I could have been writing it, even to the part about your head exploding. I come away from my appointments with a headache sometimes!
Heather, thank you for saying what you did about being "quiet for 30 years". I am 44 and only in the last 4 years been trying to "deal" with it. I am really discouraged right now about all the time it is taking and feel like I am a horrible wife and I ma not being fair to my husband.
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scw4survivors
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Posted: Thu Jun 7th, 2007 02:10 pm |
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Stephanie, I, too, struggled with being "fair" to my husband. The truth is that he loves you, and he wants to support you. If we were physically ill (cold or flu, for example), our husbands would want to take care of us, and it would be fairly simple to let them. Recovery from childhood horrors is more than a cold ... and our spouses want to help. Sometimes they simply don't know what to do.
The first time I asked my husband to go with me to see my therapist, I realized I didn't want him there once he was there. So, I introduced him to my therapist, let them meet and visit for a bit, then asked him to wait outside. He was happy to do so. I'm trying to say that, just because your husband is going with you, doesn't mean he has to be in your session the whole time.
All of you ... Stephanie, Adrienne, Heather, and Cathy ... each of you is in my prayers.
Blessings,
Susan
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Heather
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Posted: Thu Jun 7th, 2007 05:59 pm |
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Stephanie, i'm 44 also and i've been trying to deal with it for the last 6 years too. i also feel that im not getting anywhere with it but i do know it will get better over time. Like i said we have kept this quiet all our lives so its not going to be easy.
What you said about having 'a lot of trouble getting words out. and some words get stuck in my head and go swirling around but get stuck when I try to say them' is exactly where i am now so you are not alone there!!! Some weeks are better than others, some weeks i can't say anything at all. My counsellor keeps telling me that i am too hard on myself and maybe i am.
Thinking of you all
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scw4survivors
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Posted: Thu Jun 7th, 2007 07:34 pm |
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Heather and Stephanie ... I'm 47, so maybe that makes me the "big sister" or something. (Adrienne, please don't feel compelled to tell us your age; you certainly don't have to. We're still here pulling for you.)
Getting the words out is both incredibly hard and ultimately rewarding. It is hard to say the words ... I hated the word "incest" ... hated to think that I had been party to such a vile thing. I think that's part of the reason I wanted to name my site SurvivingIncest. I've said it to several people, and, the more I say it, the less power it has over me. Of course, there are struggles ... sometimes things can get pretty bad. On those days, I try very hard to reach out. Yes, it is good to reach out here in cyberspace ... it feels safer, maybe. It is also important to learn to reach out to those close to you ... your husband, your therapist, a trusted friend.
I can't promise you it will be easy, and I don't have any "inside secrets" to help mitigate the pain. I do believe, based on my experience and that of others before me, that there can be good days ahead ... really good days.
You don't have to say it all at once, and you can even specify your desired response before you say anything at all. Maybe you want to practice saying it here ... or in a journal ... or in a letter you never mail.
I've now said the words to my mother. (Well, not exactly since my sisters told her, but they did give her a letter that I had written to her.) I am exhausted today, and I'm not sure what comes next. In the end, though, I do feel better for getting the thoughts and fears that were swirling around inside out into the open; sometimes fears die when they're exposed to outside lights.
Take care ... and remember that you are NOT alone.
Blessings,
Susan
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adrienne
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Posted: Thu Jun 7th, 2007 10:42 pm |
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| Well, looks like - at least for now - that I'm the "little sister" here. I'll be 27 this weekend. Sometimes 26 going on 4 and sometimes 26 going on about 100. Seems more like 4 lately. These past couple of weeks have been extremely difficult. Precipitated, I think, by my parents' move from VERY far away to now altogether too close for comfort. I have been a mess, and infuriatingly needy and insecure. I have always - by necessity - been very independent. Trained to do it myself, figure it out, handle it alone, not to bother anyone. So this neediness is unsettling and sometimes threatening. I have people in my life now that I can safely rely on, though, so the threat isn't real. I keep trying to remind myself of that. For the first time in my life, I have people who truly want to help me. It's amazing and so hard to conceptualize that I am having to work really hard to trust it. I still find myself holding my breath - waiting for the rejection. Last edited on Thu Jun 7th, 2007 10:44 pm by adrienne
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scw4survivors
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Posted: Fri Jun 8th, 2007 01:42 am |
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I absolutely understand having trouble accepting that there really are people who believe me and still love me ... I think I'll get it eventually ... I mostly "get it" with my sisters now; I have to start working on accepting that my mother loves me, too.
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Heather
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Posted: Fri Jun 8th, 2007 08:55 am |
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My last therapist said to me once ' you really find it hard to accept that people actually care about you' and its true. I know that i have people around me that care but i still find it hard to be believe it. It's like i'm waiting for them to hurt me!
My best friend and i were talkng a few weeks ago, I've known her for 26years, and said to me, i know if i need you, all i have to do is phone you and you will be there for me. She went on to say 'if you need me i know you will not phone me' It upset me because i know what she said was true. I think asking for help is one of the hardest things for me to do. Like Adrienne, i've always thought that i had to do things myself.
I've been seeing my new therapist for about 5 months now and I still can't bring myself to look at her. The only time I look at her face is when I say 'hello' and 'goodbye' She has done her best to make me feel comfortable, telling me that i can lie down, turn myself around or face the window so that i don't have to see her. I think I just struggle to believe that this 'stranger' really wants to listen to what i have to say or really cares about me.
Talking here does feel easy and safer for me Susan however, writing stuff down and seeing what i have written will help me to open up a bit more with my therapist.
thinking of you all
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stephanie
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Posted: Fri Jun 8th, 2007 02:47 pm |
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"Ask for help?" What a concept!
I have been seeing my current therapist for about 3 1/2 years and she has been absolutely wonderful and there have been times when she had definitely gone out of her way to "be there" for me. And yet, I am still waiting for the time when she says enough is enough. Even now, I feel like I called her too much this past week so not matter what, I cannot/will not call for help no matter how bad things get. It's like I have to be desperate before I believe things are bad enough to phone for help.
Heather, I've seen my therapist for the last 3 1/2 years at least twice a week and usually 3 times a week ( 2 individual appointments and 1 group) and much of the time I still cannot look at her, even when saying hello!
And, it is definitely easier for me to write on email, when I can pace myself and not look at anyone! You might have to tell me to quit writing so much!
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Heather
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Posted: Fri Jun 8th, 2007 06:28 pm |
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| Stephanie, I was seeing my last therapist for about 3 years, i only stopped seeing her because I graguated from Uni. She was a counsellor at the university where i studied, I never looked at her very often either. I thought it would get easier when I started with my new one but its just not happening. Sometimes I feel I will be in therapy for years, I told my therapist I feel that no one, even myself, will ever understand me. That's why i'm really glad that i've found this website!!! Nearly everything i've read so far sounds like me and hopefully i will begin to believe that i'm not on my own and people can understand me.
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Lorus
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Posted: Mon Jun 11th, 2007 03:07 am |
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| I know how you feel, I went through the same thing. I walked around for 2 weeks before I decided to tell a therapist. I had more tears than words but she understood. She helped me through it with the kindest and gentlest voice. A face that was disgusted by what was done to me. And the reasurance that I was talking to a person who believed in me. This was in the first hour; I hadn't talked in almost 40 years. Do what ever you want when you decide to talk. If it's tears that come out and not words; that's ok, if you get just a few words out, that's ok. Take the first step in anyway that makes YOU feel comfortable. After almost 2 1/2 years in therapy I still find it hard to talk. But I know that I was silent for almost 40 years, no words, no tears. A small sentence here and there will grow into paragraph.
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