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dani
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| Joined: | Tue Jun 12th, 2007 |
| Location: | California USA |
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Posted: Wed Sep 5th, 2007 04:19 pm |
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| Well i have started therapy. i have only met with my therapist once and i was just trying to figure out when and how to tell. Could any of you give me any suggestions? Because i know to move on with my life i need help. Which is so hard to admit. And i also have someone that is willing to go with me that i trust should i have her sit with me.
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babysister
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Posted: Wed Sep 5th, 2007 05:51 pm |
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that's a tough one if you ask me...when i first started counseling, it took everything in me to start talking about it. i was really scared the counselor would tell me what everyone else had - that i was making mountains out of mole hills. it wasn't like that at all, though. my counsleor was the first person i felt like was truly on my side. i told in my first or second session, but i kept it really generic. "my brother molested me" "we were really young and the last time was a week before my 14th birthday" then mostly, i wanted to talk about my feelings about it and how to sift through the memories and how to restructure my sense of trust...the more i talked, the more i wanted to. i kind of tested the waters because i know how people look at you and treat you if they know. i say just go for it (easier said than done, i know). i did it by myself, but i had my best friend at the time sitting right outside the door just in case i needed her.
good luck! i know you can do it! you'll thank yourself for being so brave!!
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dani
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Posted: Wed Sep 5th, 2007 06:07 pm |
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| Yeah my whole thing is trust. i am 32 and before this year i haven't trusted anyone since i was about 14 with any of my thoughts or emotions. And my worst fear is that my therapist will tell me just to get over it. And i am afraid of what my reactions will be after i say anything. Although i have one person that knows everything and i have never said anything face to face with anyone. And i am so afraid to tell who started doing this to me. i still need to protect him. Last edited on Wed Sep 5th, 2007 06:30 pm by dani
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carie
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Posted: Thu Sep 6th, 2007 05:59 am |
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you don't need to protect him he didn't protect you.
the first time i told anyone i put it in writing be cause i was to ashamed to say it to my councelor face to face and i had been seeing her for two years because of the abuse my husband put me through physical and sexual. It took me that long to trust her. Just writing it felt like this big weight was lifted off me and the more i talk and write the better i feel. if you can't talk about it write it and keep it till you are ready to talk about it
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dani
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| Joined: | Tue Jun 12th, 2007 |
| Location: | California USA |
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Posted: Thu Sep 6th, 2007 06:16 am |
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| But he did protect me he protected me from my sister who hated me and would try to physicaly try to hurt me. So i owed him something in return for that.
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carie
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Posted: Thu Sep 6th, 2007 06:20 am |
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| you didn't owe him any thing but a thank you he was hurting you to but in a different way you didnt deseve what he did to you brothers are suposed to protect there sisters not hurt the
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dani
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Posted: Thu Sep 6th, 2007 06:25 am |
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| i felt and still do if i hadn't needed him so much he wouldn't have done anything so in away i asked for it.
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carie
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Posted: Thu Sep 6th, 2007 06:29 am |
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| no one asks for what happened to you. we all need our siblings but they shouldn't charge for their help he was wrong not you you will understand this the more you work through it you didn't ask for it or deserve it all you asked for was help
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dani
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| Joined: | Tue Jun 12th, 2007 |
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Posted: Thu Sep 6th, 2007 06:48 am |
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| Right now i can't see that it was not my fault and i don't know if i ever will see it that way.
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carie
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Posted: Thu Sep 6th, 2007 08:06 am |
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| i felt the same way 2 months ago you have already started the healing process and it will get better try to think positiven take it slow one step at a time it will eventually get better and you will begin to feel better
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babysister
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Posted: Thu Sep 6th, 2007 01:12 pm |
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Dani, just think about what protecting him is costing you! My brother was the same way. He was "helping" me and "teaching" me and he made me feel like I was breaking his trust if I got him in trouble. So I protected him. And I lost so much doing it.
Compare what how he "helped" you and how he hurt you. You gave him your trust and he voilated it and took advantage of it. Everyone needs help in their lives. You needed him, but he just brought you out of one danger and into another. He didn't protect you, really. He just saw your vulnerability and manipulated it and used it against you. He stole from you in ways that he had no right to. He took your security, your belief in yourself, your ability to trust anyone- even yourself...the list goes on and on... Think about what protecting him is costing you. NO ONE deserves to live like you are living. Feeling tapped, afraid, alone, scared. It's time to take back your life. It's time to rebuild. He's still taking and you aren't getting anything but heartache.
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dani
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Posted: Thu Sep 6th, 2007 08:21 pm |
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| Part of me understands all that is being said. But there is still that little girl in me that feels she deserved what ever happened because she was bad.
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babysister
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Posted: Thu Sep 6th, 2007 09:58 pm |
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| no little girls are bad. the little girl you once were was supposed to be innocent and free, not afraid and violated. if you're bad as a kid, you have to go to your room or you can't have dessert after dinner or no tv for a week. you don't get get sexually molested or abused. no crime would fit that punishment. there is nothing in the world that you could have done to justify what he did to you. i don't know about you, but i look at my nieces and other little girls, and i try to imagine how i would feel if someone did to them the things that were done to me. it make me FURIOUS to think about. can you try to look at the little girl inside you that same way? give her some compassion. give her a hand to come out of the nightmare she lived through.
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Letty
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| Joined: | Sun Aug 26th, 2007 |
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Posted: Sun Sep 9th, 2007 06:22 am |
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Acknowleging the little girl has been a huge part of my recovery.
My first memory of being abused was at 3 years old. My mom had just given birth to my little brother. Our birthdays are only a day apart, so I had just turned three. glenn took me home that night, I rode on his shoulders as we walked from my grandma's house to our house through open fields. It had always been a cherished memory, UNTIL. . .I "remembered" the rest of it.
I went to sleep in mommy and daddy's bed. That was a cool thing to get to do. When I woke up, I had no clothes on and was sitting on top of him. He was naked and using me to stimulate himself. I started crying and screaming..."Stop daddy, no! No!", but he didn't. When he was done, he chucked me to the side of the bed and went to the living room to eat potato chips and have a glass of milk.
As the memory goes on, I am no longer the little girl. I am the 30 year old adult me, looking at this little girl. She is crying, sobbing and scared, she wants her mommy and she wants to go back to her grandma's. I try to pick her up and hold her, comfort her. . .but I can't, I just can't. . .I leave her there, feeling disgusted and desperate that I can't comfort this little girl. All my life I have worked to shut this little girl up, and now I have to decide if I will let her come out, if I will honor her spirit that never gave up (but could've and had every right too).
As I have dealt with these emotions, I have come to a place where I have to win the trust of this little girl. . .the more I listen to her and believe her and let her feelings come out, the more healing I feel. I choose now, when memories still come up, to go back as adult, and love the little girl afterword. What has also helped me is that I have little children of my own. My daughter is 4, when I look at her and think of how helpless and needy she is. . .my compassion for myself as a little girl overflows, and that heals me.
It's been a process. I have worked to love this little girl up until about age 10. For some reason, I can't go here. It will come, and I will learn to let this little 10 year old talk too, just like the younger me's.
Thanks for listening.
Letty
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