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Lori
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Posted: Sun Jul 8th, 2007 06:32 pm |
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| I have been in and out of therapy for years (over 20 now). I just can't seem to maintain an intimate relationship. After an intense period over the last four years where I have really worked hard to make progress with my feelings/emotions I thought maybe I was ready to try again. In my life I have either never disclosed to my partner, fallen in love too fast, or when problems arose just totally shut down and walked away. I have discussed these issues with my therapist time and again, and so recently I disclosed to the man that I am currently seeing. I disclosed because I felt old issues rising from the intimacy. Now I'm very confused. I am fighting with wanting to shut down and walk away. Has anyone else ever dealt with this issue?
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scw4survivors
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Posted: Mon Jul 9th, 2007 03:37 am |
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Lori,
When I've felt that way, I've had to look a little closer to figure out what's really going on. For me, it is usually that little girl within who is simply scared to death because somebody else knows the truth ... and that means (in the little girl's mind) that they're going to figure out I'm bad and then I'll be in trouble.
When I've been able to express those fears, whomever I had told could understand where I was coming from and figure out how to help.
I most recently told my parents, and I've been going through the same thing ... if I don't ever see them again, then they won't figure out the "truth" about me. The real truth, though, is that it was all his fault and he told me lies about how bad I was ... I am not the bad person he wanted (and still wants!!) me to believe I am.
I don't know if any of that fits.
Blessings ...
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Lori
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Posted: Mon Jul 9th, 2007 03:57 am |
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| I think it fits. I've told so few people in my life, outside of therapy, that it is very traumatic whenever I disclose. No matter how old I get, or how well I feel, intimate relationships always surface the little girl in me. Thanks.
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Lorus
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Posted: Tue Jul 10th, 2007 03:43 am |
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Hi Lori,
I have trouble with intimacy and with anyone who gets too close. I wanted to move blindly and fast and then hit a wall. I have also run plenty of times and lost too many people who would would have been great friends. I have learned to take it one step at a time. If I get stuck or feel like walking away. I stop and try to look at whats going on. There were a few times I walked but just far enough to think. It's hard but not impossible to maintain a relationship when intimacy for me is defined with abuse. You have taken that road to a relationship and spoke to your partner about what happened to you. If you get confused or want to shut down maybe that just means as Susan said taking a closer look at yourself to see whats going on. Maybe you'll see someone who is rising up to the challenges, and not doing a bad job at coping.
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Lori
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Posted: Tue Jul 10th, 2007 04:08 am |
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Lorus,
Thanks. My relationship feels weird now and I don't think it is all me. I know it was a great deal to expose all at once and I gave him the full blown version. We have not been face to face since last Tuesday night when I disclosed. Friday he wanted to know when we could get together again but I put him off until this coming Wednesday night. I am nervous about seeing him. Our communication is now limited and he is not saying the things to me that he once said, he is also not responding the same. I do realize that he needs time to digest also. I do take it as a good sign that he wants to continue to see me but am dealing with the "am I worthy" issue. So much has floated up to the top, but I know I am feeling that this person is important to me if I made the effort to disclose. I don't want all of our conversations now to be about the abuse. I don't want to ignore it either. I am also feeling proud of myself that I was able to meet this challenge. In my head I know a great deal, it is the emotion and fear that I'm having trouble dealing with. I also feel that I am coping, but the emotions are swinging back and forth. I just keep thinking, "One day at a time." We will see how Wednesday night goes. My other thought is that now that I have disclosed to him, if this does not work out, I will be able to disclose again to another when the time is right. Yuck. I really hate this part. I hate anyone to see inside of me and know that much about me. You would think that 20 years of therapy would have changed that fact, but for me it has not. I'm 46 years old now and would like to have a stable, healthy, and happy relationship. Yuck, yuck, yuck.
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Lorus
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Posted: Tue Jul 10th, 2007 04:34 am |
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Wow Lori you've done a lot by disclosing and he didn't run. He still wants to see you and that does say something about your worth. Remember your in control, and being honest with him about what you need, is being honest with yourself. Your over the biggest mountain in your relationship. Take the time you need, and say what you have to say. He also may be as nervous as you. He may be afraid to say or do something that will frighten you. Your both doing something new. My therapist told me after one relationship didn't work out not to worry, it takes time to find the right mix and a lot of practice to find the right one. So if this relaionship doesn't work out, you know what it's like to disclose and you'll be able to try again. But it sounds like your doing everything right, and he thinks your worth it by wanting to see you again. Keep us informed.
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Lori
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Posted: Fri Jul 13th, 2007 01:26 am |
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| I can't believe how I felt so physically sick before I saw my friend last night. But I went, and he welcomed me, and I had a good time. No heavy discussions, I asked prior to seeing him that we just keep it light and fun and he honored that request. I am just going to take everything one day at a time. I still have mixed emotions today. I'm leaving in a week for a 10 day trip with my daughter. I'm going where it is sunny and I can lie on the beach. I'm looking forward to the trip. I want to say that I am very glad to have found this web site. I'm sure that I will continue to participate in discussions and to ask questions. Thanks.
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scw4survivors
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Posted: Fri Jul 13th, 2007 02:28 pm |
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Lori,
I'm proud of you for going and proud of you for asking for what you wanted. I am glad that your fried was able to honor your request. It has been hard for me to learn that it is okay to ask for what I want; I've learned that those who care about me generally want to honor requests I make as long as they are able to do so and believe the request to be honest and fair.
I hope you can be proud of yourself, too.
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Jackie
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Posted: Fri Aug 3rd, 2007 07:33 pm |
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| Gosh, that sounds just like me. Before I was married ( I am currently going through a divorce), I did the same thing you have described. I fell too fast, ran or just turned inside myself. I find myself turning inside with my friends also. I want to face my fears and work through this and be "me", but I don't know how. I'm tired of running, tired of crying, tired of memories that wake me up at night. I have low self-esteem and I don't know how to change that. My friends all tell me that they think I am a funny, pretty person, but I don't see that person. I see a woman who is damaged. I try to put on a smile and go about my life, but sometimes it's just too overwhelming. And then my emotions "crash" for lack of a better term. I am afrain I will always be alone. That's what I fear the most I think.
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Lori
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Posted: Sat Aug 4th, 2007 12:17 am |
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| Well I understand about being afraid that I will always be alone. I guess right now I feel pretty lucky because this relationship is going well. We have talked a great deal about the incest now...more than I every thought I would be able to share with a man. I still have days where I totally wonder how he could even want me...let alone be happy being with me...but I keep going and I keep talking.
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