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adrienne
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Posted: Mon Jun 25th, 2007 06:02 am |
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Many years ago there lived a little girl. And even though this little girl was very small she had an extraordinary talent. She was able to pretend around grown-ups that everything in her life was fine. All the grown-ups liked her - she tried very, very hard to always be good. She tried so hard because she had a secret. She wasn't really good and sweet like everybody thought. She tried so hard to pretend she was good because of what happened when she was bad. She tried to watch everything around her so she wouldn't accidentally get in trouble. So that when he was in a bad mood she could stay out of the way. But no matter how hard she tried, she could never be good enough. She always got in trouble for something. Sometimes she didn't even know what she had done wrong. But it didn't matter. It also didn't matter how much she pleaded or cried. He still punished her. At first when it was happening she got so scared she peed on herself and him. That made him really mad. But it also made him stop. He would push her off his lap and onto the bed. Then he would beat her. After a few times he started making her go to the bathroom before he punished her. Then she had no way to protect herself. No way to make him stop. And even though she didn't pee on him anymore, he still beat her when he was through. Her mother heard her crying and heard the belt lashing over and over. She saw the bruises on her little girl's back and legs. But she was silent. So the little girl learned to be silent. Each time when it was over the girl cleaned herself up and laid in her room - scared and hurting and confused and very alone.
As she got older the girl learned more and more how to stay out of trouble and she thought that this would keep her safe. Then one night while she was sleeping he came into her room. She woke up with him on top of her. He was hurting her. She tried with all her might to scream but no sound came out. That night the little girl learned she had another talent. She could make herself disappear. She couldn't keep herself safe, she knew that now. But she learned to go away into the nothingness. At first it was hard to go away when he hurt her but it got easier with practice. She learned to stay awake so she wouldn't be surprised. It was harder to go away when she was surprised. Eventually he stopped. But by then it was too late. The little girl was gone. Somehow in her journeys into nothing she got lost and never made it back.
I wish she had taken her memories with her.
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scw4survivors
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Posted: Mon Jun 25th, 2007 01:24 pm |
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Adrienne,
I know that little girl is out there, and I know you can find her. My prayers are with you as you search.
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Heather
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Posted: Mon Jun 25th, 2007 01:25 pm |
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Adrienne, you are describing my childhood , my dad also beat me, he used a belt and my mum would let him do it. She only stop the belting when she thought my dad had went too far. If i cried, the belting would go on for longer, for some reason he didn't like me crying. So i learned not to cry, and i learned to 'disappear' when he used to come into my room.
I tried so hard to be a good girl, i would be so quiet hoping that he would forget about me, i spent a lot of time in my bedroom hiding. I've spent my life coping and dealing with things by myself and told my therapist this last week. I also told her that i've started to let myself think after the sessions in the last few weeks. She said that she knows that i find it difficult to talk but today i seem to find it even harder and wonder if it was some kind of revolt against the changes that have started to happen (letting myself think etc) this made me laugh but on the way home the words 'naughty little girl' popped into my head and i couldn't stop smiling all the home so maybe she right. I was always a good little girl, i was never allowed to be naughty, i was too scared to do anything wrong, too scared of what my dad might do. I just really hate feeling like a little girl.
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Letty
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Posted: Mon Aug 27th, 2007 03:30 am |
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Thank you for your share. I very much relate to the little girl who disappeared. For many years I had totally 'forgot' what had happened. when I started to 'remember' I saw the first time, I was only a little girl, 3 years old. My mom was at the hospital, she had just had a baby that day. I went to sleep in my mom and dad's bed. Sometime during the night, I woke up on top of him. I was crying and yelling , "No, Daddy, No." He didn't stop. I was crying. When he was done, he chucked me on the bed and left me there. . .all night. I was alone and sad. I wanted my mommy, but I knew I couldn't tell her because she would be tired when she came home with the new baby. As I watched this memory over and over in my mind, I wanted so badly to pick up that little girl and love her and hold her, but I couldn't. I couldn't. It took me a long time before I could go back and visually, mentally hold and love that little girl. She had disappeared, but she was/is coming back to tell her story. He might have made her disappear, but he can not keep her 'there' (quiet, shut down) anymore.
A L
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Mending Soul
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Posted: Mon Dec 31st, 2007 06:00 am |
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Addrienne,
I too am that little girl who got so very lost trying to become invisible...My heart surrounds yours in your search for your 'little' girl...and I know you will find her...as I hope I will find mine...Your sad little girl brought tears to my eyes...because my little girl was crying for you.
Cathie
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