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Di
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Posted: Sat Jun 23rd, 2007 04:53 am |
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My mom was and is very reticent to cry in public and never ever expresses anger. She is a change the subject and gloss it over person and seemingly ashamed of her feelings. As we all do I adopted that philosophy but at the same time was very emotional by nature. I feel strongly and loudly and just feeling scared the daylights out of me. My anxiety would go through the roof over being anxious. That is very self defeating.
Can anyone identify?
Di
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Heather
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Posted: Sat Jun 23rd, 2007 08:34 am |
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Hello Di, I completely identify with you, I spent my life not allowing myself to feel. Now in therapy, any kind of feeling that comes up scares me, i can't put names to any feelings i get, i don't know when i'm angry, sad or hurt. I always seem to being saying to my therapist when a feeling comes up that ' i don't like it' or it don't feel right' all i know is i feel really uncomfortable and I start to panic.
Crying frightens more than anything, i've been in therapy for about 6 years now and been with my new therapist for 6 months. I don't cry, i get tearful and as soon as i get tearful, the battle within begins. I know i need to cry and I want to cry but I just can't let myself to it. I know part of it is because i don't to cry infront of my therapist
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Di
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Posted: Sat Jun 23rd, 2007 12:39 pm |
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Heather, my old shrink would have liked your not crying (teasing) because I used so many Kleenex you would have saved her some money. :-)
It was odd because I always cried. My anxiety skyrocketed if I got too upset or angry but I couldn't hold it in. I still had the feelings, they gradually came up, but they were always accompanied by the intense anxiety. It was not ok to be weak. I freaked if I got sick and couldn't work!
I had a really hard time getting angry at my perpetrator. All my anger was directed internally. It took a little old lady named Mrs. White to run a stop sign and hit my son's car and the policeman to right it up as if my son ran the stop sign and Mrs. White to refuse to talk to anyone and straighten up the mess for me to finally get FURIOUS at Bob. It was ok to feel for someone else and as Cheryl and I got at the transference, I got at the anger at Bob.
Once I did, I had to work at it being ok to be angry.
Are you ok with yourself over the not crying? That is always the first step for me to work at being ok with where I am and not beat up on myself because I am messed up.
Di
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adrienne
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Posted: Sat Jun 23rd, 2007 06:19 pm |
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| I wasn't allowed to express my emotions growing up. I was not allowed to cry, especially while the abuse was taking place. If I cried then I was threatened and told that I had better stop. When I was really little I couldn't stop crying at first and was beaten until I did stop. After I while I didn't cry anymore. I was not allowed to question anything or even ask for clarification if I didn't understand something. I was not allowed, under any circumstances, to express anger. I was allowed to cry if I was hurt by some means other than the abuse. I think that's where the self-injury stuff came in when I was a kid. If I could physically hurt myself then I could cry. It was the only way I knew how to access my emotions. So now that I don't injure myself anymore, I have to learn some other method for feeling. I have just been going really slow with it. I am having to teach myself that I am safe now and that it is okay to feel. And I am SLOWLY learning to allow myself to feel. I am getting a little better at recognizing when I am shutting down and figuring out what triggered it. It has been a lot of hard work, but it's definitely been worth it. I am finally starting to wake up to myself.
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Di
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Posted: Sat Jun 23rd, 2007 10:16 pm |
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That is so wrong - the way you were treated. It hurts to know someone was treated that way. How can anyone hurt a child and deny them expression of the pain? How can anyone live with themselves? It is baffling to me. I am discovering through confronting my abuser how strong denial can be in perpetrators. It is mind boggling.
The way you talk about your journey and the hope you emit sounds very healthy. You dont' have to be there already to have my respect. I know how very hard it is to change the way you think.
Are you aware that we actually have neural pathways in our brains. When we change the way we think about ourselves we have to use a different set of "wiring" instead of the well worn pathway. In time we actually change that pathway if we work at it long enough. It is the most awesome feeling when I realize that I responded differently and wasn't even aware of it - it just came out of a new well worn pathway.
Di
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Lorus
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Posted: Sun Jun 24th, 2007 06:34 am |
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I never let any emotion out either, if I did then I thought someone would find out what was going on and my father would go to jail. The only difference was I did it on my own. I wasn't beaten in the fashion you were Adrienne, that was so horrible to be treated like that. I just kept the silent and buried all my emotions. when I went into therapy I didn't know how to deal with my emotions. I cried the first time I talked, and I haven't stopped, and it's been over two years now. I was afraid of my feelings and still today I use anger if I don't want to feel. Anger is emotionless to me. If I get angry I can stop crying and not feel anything, Funny thing is, I was told by my mother that I was a crybaby until I was about eight years old. Then for some reason she said I stopped crying. I was eight years old when the abuse started.
It's all mind boggling.
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Di
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Posted: Sun Jun 24th, 2007 06:56 pm |
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That is really amazing how the abuse and stopping crying happened simultaneously. I wonder why parents don't ask when major changes like that happen in their kids. I think I did if I noticed anything in my kids - I think.
Diane
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Lorus
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Posted: Sun Jun 24th, 2007 09:02 pm |
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| I'm realizing how weak my mother must have been. If she did question anything I'm sure my father would try and stop her from thinking that way. But then again I think she was looking the other way, as long as she didn't have to be bothered, why not!
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trudy
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Posted: Tue Jun 26th, 2007 07:24 pm |
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hello my nameis trudy iwas abused by my cousin when iwas 6 and i just found out both my daughters were abused .one was abused my my brother inlaw one was abused my his son. i am tring to deal with this the best way i can but it is not easy .we went to the police and filed a report they took it to court and they got off cuz the staute of limitations ran out . im was in outrage.if you can only imagine
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trudy
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Posted: Tue Jun 26th, 2007 07:32 pm |
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we told everyone in the family we got no support how do you handle this . we stop talking to them all even my mom and dad cuz they let my nephew in there home like nothing ever happened . then guilt hit me cuz my parents are not very young so i worry somthing might happen to them.so is that wrong of me should i not talk to them cuz of my daughters feelings ?im so confused please help me.
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trudy
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Posted: Tue Jun 26th, 2007 07:34 pm |
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trudy wrote: we told everyone in the family we got no support how do you handle this . we stop talking to them all even my mom and dad cuz they let my nephew in there home like nothing ever happened . then guilt hit me cuz my parents are not very young so i worry somthing might happen to them.so is that wrong of me should i not talk to them cuz of my daughters feelings ?im so confused please help me.
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trudy
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Posted: Tue Jun 26th, 2007 07:39 pm |
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| all these feelings scare me i want to go hurt both of the abusers that hurt my daughters .i was a mess when i first found out my husband had to stop me from going to there house a shooting them both .
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Lorus
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Posted: Wed Jun 27th, 2007 01:52 am |
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Trudi, when I was angry, I never let it out, I kept it in and couldn't figure anything out. I went crazy keeping it in. I know this may seem small and useless, but gradually I let the anger out with words, with writing, and with talking. When I wanted to hurt someone or something, I would excercise, run or walk for long periods. I also had to cut ties with members of my family who acted like nothing happened. I didn't do anything but walk away. I can't imagine having to go through the healing process with two daughters, but there is strength in numbers. Never forget you and your daughters have your husband, and all of us in the forum standing with you. Use us to vent, we're listening.
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Di
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Posted: Wed Jun 27th, 2007 03:15 am |
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Wow Trudy. I can imagine you feel really torn over the issue with your parents. How old are your girls? Could you call a family meeting and talk with them about your anger at your mom and dad and yet the guilt at the same time? ARe they old enough to express their own feelings with you? Could you draw them and your husband into the decision. At least you would not feel so guilty if it was all 4 of you standing together.
Remember that part of this decision is there's. You could look for a compromise as well. Perhaps have them to your house but not go to there's. I am not suggesting that, just that options are out there.
What you described is not unusual. It should be but it is not, especially with the older generation. Doesnt' make it better but it helps to know you are not alone. At least it does me.
My cousin was abused by her brother in law. She told me about it and I encouraged her to tell her parents if he didnt' stop. We were 14 at that time. She told them and they did absolutely nothing about it. Nothing. I didn't find this out until a couple of years ago and she is 50 now. I was heartbroken to know that.
Her mom and dad recently died and her only family besides her own two daughters is her sister and brother in law and their kids. I hurt for her. I have written in hopes she will write me back but she hasn't. Maybe I will just do it anyway - start talking with her about it.
Trudy. Please don't do anything to hurt yourself or your daughters any further. Take care of yourself and your needs first. Then those of your kids.
By the way, the anger going outward - is healthy. Let it out some way. You are doing exactly what you should. Talk to safe people and let it out.
I used to have this big heavy bedrest that I would kick the garbage out of when I had to get the anger out. I went into a spare bedroom and kicked it and kicked it until I was exhausted. Gardening was also helpful. There is something about digging in the dirt.....
Di
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Di
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Posted: Wed Jun 27th, 2007 03:18 am |
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Lorus, what is this Manna thing?
Diane
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