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Mandy
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Posted: Wed Mar 26th, 2008 03:14 am |
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Here goes. I've been a member here since January and have been able to come visit the site a few times, crying and overwhelmed each time, so I logged out for another month. Found the site one evening after I realized this nagging feeling like something happened to me wasn't going away. In fact it's become impossible to ignore.
It has encouraged me that what I believe happened to me really did after reading some of your stories. I do not have any memories, or know who it was who abused me, or when. I have confronted my mother two summers ago and she denied that anything like that happened. My father passed away over 5 years ago. I am guessing it was him, but I also have 3 older half brothers and several cousins or could it have been a family friend? I do not know. I'm trying to be ok with not knowing and just going with the feeling that this isn't any fun and I definately wouldn't be making something like this up.
About me, I just turned 30. I've never been married and do not have any children. In fact, I am for the first time in a loving, commited relationship. I have been able to open up to him a little about the abuse, and me having emotions I cannot explain and getting angry at him for no reason. We are working through it moment by moment.
I wonder if anyone else feels like they have a little girl (or several) inside of them? I thought I had split personalities until I talked with my counselor about it. Been trying to be patient and listen to those little voices, but it has been overwhelming. They all talk at once!
Been trying to pace myself with the healing process and realize that I work 30 hours a week and go to school 3/4 time, and that this isn't going to happen overnight. I find that I try and associate my self worth with external accomplishments and continually overbook myself. So, to take time to just work on me is something I have to kind of force for now. Until I can recognize that I'm worth saving. I know I am. I will keep saying it until I know it from deep inside.
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scw4survivors
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Posted: Wed Mar 26th, 2008 01:47 pm |
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Mandy,
I am proud of you for introducing yourself to us. I know that it can be hard and overwhelming and confusing. You are worth the effort.
My therapist / counselor / guide has been a tremendous help to me, and I encourage you to seek a specialist out if you have not already done so. You mention being a student; it is quite likely that your school offers free or subsidized counseling services. I know that going is really scary, too. For me, and for many others, it has really helped.
You ask about little girl(s) inside ... yes, I, too, feel like there's this little girl inside. I know that a lot of times it's hard for me to listen -- or, if I listen, it's hard for me to do what she's asking me to do. The truth is that often she's only asking me to call my therapist ... and my therapist has always told me that it is okay to call whenever I want to call. So, yes, that part can be hard to accept, too. I understand that it's quite common ...
Keep trying to believe in yourself as much as those who love you do. I've had several mantras over the years. At first I thought they were rather silly, but, over time, they have helped me recognize that he was the bad one ... that I am not the bad one.
I will keep you, and each of us, in my prayers.
Blessings,
Susan
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Breaking the shell
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Posted: Fri Mar 28th, 2008 03:43 pm |
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Hi Mandy,
Hang in there! The memories will come when they are ready to come out. Perhaps you need to get used to the idea that you were abused before you can face who it was. I remember being very frustrated at first. I wanted to know everything, partly to reassure myself that these feelings were true, partly because I thought that would get it over with quicker - but now I realise that it would have been too much, still would be too much, for me to handle in one go.
It is so important that you learn to be kind to yourself. If you are like me you think this is fundamentally wrong, but it isn't. One of the first steps in recovering is learning to be kind to yourself.
Is your counsellor a specialist in incest? If not you might want to find one who is. Mine somehow manages to keep me walking along a tightrope without letting me drop back into denial on one side or fall into a big black pit of horror on the other. At the same time she helps me to feel better about myself and very very slowly more in control of my life.
When you talk about your little girl(s), I think we proably all have them. I discovered mine before I knew my problem was incest. One day I found her naked and shivering at the bottom of the black hole where I had thrown her. At first I felt so guilty about how I had treated her, now I realise that throwing her down the pit was the only way I could survive. Slowly I am learning to listen to her and she is learning to trust me.
You are worth saving; you have already managed to keep yourself alive, but now perhaps it is time for you to start the process of healing.
Keep going. You are worth it. You were not the bad one. You are not bad.
Julia
Last edited on Fri Mar 28th, 2008 03:48 pm by Breaking the shell
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Lea
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Posted: Sat Mar 29th, 2008 07:29 pm |
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That was a wonderful post Julia. I think I needed to hear, be reminded of all that. I liked what you said about walking the tightrope - that describes it perfectly.
I don't know that I've been falling into denial completely. I just feel so worn lately. Like I'm spending so much energy on a phantom. I know the symptoms are real, but the cause...
It's hard to keep believing when I feel so little improvement. I've been working on this idea of incest for two years now, and I don't know. I just want something concrete. I don't know how to make something concrete out of ghosts and suspicions.
But then I have nights like last night, where in being intimate with my boyfriend it seems like he keeps switching. Sometimes it's him sometimes it's my dad. Back and forth until they bleed together. Not concrete though. Not like a memory. Just shifting time and reality.
When things like that first started happening it was terribly alarming, but it was such a reality jolt. It forced me to take notice - something was terribly wrong. It's so common place now though. It just feels like one more more blurry question. Am I doing this to myself? If it's not real why won't it stop?
I hope that wasn't too graphic. Thank you again for your wise words.
Lea
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Mandy
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Posted: Wed Apr 2nd, 2008 04:39 pm |
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Thank you Susan, Julia, and Lea! I am so glad I read your comments this morning. Soo glad. Your words were reassuring and a comfort to me.
My counselor does specialize in incest work and in healing. I have seen many therapists in the past and was never able to let go, this was before I knew I was abused. In my first meeting with Karen I told her my "life" story in a 20 minute nutshell, including that I thought I was molested, and I started crying. That was huge for me. She felt safe to me. And that is the moment I realized I was starting my support network to be in a safe place to handle going deeper with my past.
Julia, I will take your advice and not pressure myself to remember it all right now. The realization phase for me has been the last few months or so. After reading Susan's story I found that my first memories came. Not too much but just enough to start ponting me in a direction. Though my mother denies anything happened to me, I can still and have been asking her questions like, whose house had the rabbit cage outside, and then I can piece together that something happened to me there and take it one step at a time.
Lea, I am glad you shared about your experience with your boyfriend. I have similar experiences with mine. Not as much during lovemaking, but in "play" we will be wrestling around and he grabbed my ankles one day and I snapped into someone else and started kicking and scratching for my life. He stopped quickly and asked if I was ok. I told him please never to do that again that someone must have done that to me before when i was little. He understands, as much as he can, and listens when I tell him stories. Then later I was able to cry in his arms a bit about how messed up that was. So, I would encourage you to talk to your boyfriend through these moments, as long as he is understanding and gentle that is, and I hope he is! That helped me to know that at any moment I can say stop, or no, and my wishes will be respected. My counselor mentioned that was huge to be able just to say no.
Ok, well I am flying out to Florida for a week on a vacation with my mother to visit my grampa there. I'm keeping in my the containment that I've started to learn, so hopefully I won't have any memories while I'm on vacation. But I think I would be ok and know what to do if I did. Reassuring and comforting myself.
Thank you all again for your kind words, prayers and support. You are in mine as well. I will be checking in when I get back.
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