I've been extremely busy...found I had a retinal stroke in my left eye in November, and in December, was finally diagnosed with genetic hyperlipidemia...(genetic based high cholesterol and triglycerides)...It's so sad it took the medical community 11 years to diagnose it...in spite of my having aortic femoral bi-lateral bypass in 2004 (my main artery and leg arteries were completely blocked - and that wasn't even diagnosed for 7 years...I couldn't walk and although part of it was due to psoriatic arthritis and a quack podiatrist who destroyed both my feet - I had broken feet for 3 years with MRSA introduced into the bones and multiple reconstructions to fix what the quack wrecked... but even after my feet healed...I still couldn't walk) and you know specialists...if they can't figure out what's wrong...they either tell you it's in your head (which they told me)...or they diagnose you with fibromyalgia(which they also did and I don't have that either)...and finally after my insistance on a 2nd and 3rd opinion...the new doctor diagnosed the blocked arteries within 2 minutes of my first appointment...and then I also had TIA's (Trans Ischiemic Attacks - small strokes) for 4 years and was told I was having vasospasms...or painless migraines...and I was actually having strokes...so in 2005...I finally had a bad stroke and had to have brain surgery to clip an anuerism...and in spite of all this history...it took losing most of my sight in my left eye last November for me to be referred to an optical nuerologist at the University of MN...who finally said..."You have Genetic Cholesterol disease...that's why you've been so sick for so long and why you've gotten so sick so young"...I'm not even 50 yet!!
Anyway...I've tried 3 of the statin drugs...(which block cholesterol) and have had severe allergic reactions (terrible muslce spasms)...so I don't know what they will be trying next...
And I had knee surgery in January...(to fix some torn cartiledge)...but since it was my left knee...I had to put my weight on my right leg...(which is my bad leg since I have nerve damage from lumbar disk disease and recent lumbar surgery last July)...and the leg ended up going numb...and I fell...and re-injured the lumbar area I just had surgery on...so...I ended up going in for an epidural in my lumbar spine...and will probably need more, because one of the disks I just had surgery on is bulging again...and making my leg get so numb, I lose control of it...so...I'm having to use a cane some days...I just hope and pray it heals...because the spine surgeon said if it doesn't get better...I have to have another lumbar surgery...and I am so sick of hospitals...and surgeries...and trying to heal physically...let alone all my emotional baggage from the incest, rapes and violence I've lived through...so...I've been busy and very, very tired....
I guess today I'm a little whiney...
My daughter was doing well for a while...finally went back to work...but she started using Meth again...so I had to tell her she couldn't stay with me anymore...she knows the rules in my house are no drugs or alcohol...and she was using for awhile again...and getting abusive with her mouth, etc... So...I'm sad about that whole situation...I guess she's going to have to learn the really hard way...and that's so very sad...so..I pray for her everyday...and try doing the 'tough love' thing...because like my therapist said.."If someone is drowning and you go to help them and they wrap their arms around your neck and both of you begin to drown...well, you have to push them away and let them almost completely drown...away from you...and then maybe you can help them...but if you don't push them away...and you drown too..that wouldn't help you at all."...so, tough love is very hard...but I don't feel like going down the tubes with her...so...I'm letting her go for now and keeping her in my prayers...
One of my younger sisters who's also an incest survivor...but not interested in getting herself any help, was homeless for a while...so I let her and her 2 kids stay for a few days until they moved into another place...and now I know why I stay away from my family of origin...it's taken 2 weeks to just get enough rest...and re-claim my internal peace again...
Every time I spend any time with 'family'...all my old tapes start to play...and all my horrible pain of abandonment comes back full force...so...I mostly have to stay away from them...and some days...the lonliness of not having any family I can depend on really gets me down...those are the days when prayer is almost the only thing that saves me...prayer and writing...journaling...
And...I have finally begun to paint again!!! It's been over 20 years since I've painted...so I am excited...I don't really like my first painting...but...I'm rusty...I'm sure they'll get better as I go...
I've been seeing a therapist again...through the pain center I go to...I'm still having trouble finding a therapist for my PTSD...it's not that there aren't any out there...it's just that, for me, I'm looking for one who is also the same 'faith' as me...since for me, without God in the mix...secular therapy is just too empty for me...
I've also begun to look at returning to the workforce...in some capacity...and have just recently begun to look into working from home, since my disabilities (which seem to have quadrupled the past couple years) have been keeping me out of the work arena...so...I re-contacted an old friend in the VR area...and am testing the waters there...
So...that's where I've been lately...very, very busy...but extremely grateful for this website...because, even though I haven't written for a while...I still go to the site and read...on my really bad days...and some how...reading how others are coping...it just means so much to me...
You are all in my prayers and in my heart daily...and I am sending fluffy clouds of comfort to all of you...to hold you softly and let you know you are not alone...
